Resolutions 2009

My visit has nearly come to an end in Oregon. I have seen more snow here than I remember in my life. I have seen friends that mean the world to me. I have removed people from my life that are poison. I have made new friends to enjoy for the years.

I came to several very strong realizations. My life is simple, yet hectic. My life is strong, but there are some weak points. But most of all, my life is just mine. No one elses to dictate. No one elses to make choices with. I married my best friend, my lover, my rock. He has done everything for me he possibly can with our distance. But he is mine. And he loves me. And he loves our sons.

I have traveled not only throughout the states, but other parts of the world as well. I have had not only one very handsome son, but I now have two. I have friends that have been with me for over 20 years. I have friends that have been with me for over 15 years. I have friends that have been with me for over 10 years. My husband and I are heading into 4 years of marriage at this time.

I have been through divorce. I have been through custody court. I am a believer that what does not kill you will make you stronger. I have survived life, and kicked it's ass. Yet it has kicked my ass as well at times. But I still move forward. Because my life is worth living.

I have many blessings that sometimes I don't see.

So my Resolutions this year are simple. Nothing outlandish. And here they are for God and all to see.

1) I will not speak about anything other than my son's safety and accomplishments with a certain someone. I will not be drug into his drama and outlandish lifestyle. He has not ever grown up, and never will.

2) I will lose 50 pounds hopefully by the time Jim gets home in June. If not, definitely by the time I write a new Resolution Blog.

3) I will quit drinking completely. It is not only a complete waste of money, but I tend to make an ass of myself and am tired of people remembering me from the bar. I have so many better qualities than that.

So there it is, and I will keep you updated through the year on my progress.

Christmas Eve..

Now who said sinks don't make good tubs these days? That is the only place I have right now to bathe Squeaky because my parent's only believe in showers. So off to the back porch into the utility sink he goes! He loves it though and makes splashes sooo big that the dog on the floor wonders why it is raining inside.

It is Christmas Eve, and I just got a phone call from my Husband. He's hating being so far away from all of us, but we will have him home next year for sure. I picked up my wedding band yesterday, and it is phenomenal. I'm going to call it Jack though because with the baguettes in the wrap and the heart shaped diamond it looks a lot like Jack Skellington. And that makes me happy.

OK, I am going to get off here because I have to head to the store for some goodies.

Snow still?

OK, so it's not snowing here but the weather is just as crappy. Freezing rain and did I mention the trains and buses are not running? Yeah! Yesterday they cancelled not only the train services but the bus services as well. And this is the first time I honestly have ever heard of BOTH stopping at the same time. Now normally this would not affect me with the exception that my best friend is stranded here right now. She lives up in Scappoose and what was meant to be a 2 day trip has turned into a 4 day excursion.

Last night she went to spend the night in Sweet Home with some other friends she has known for a long time. *Quick update, I just looked outside and it is snowing here in Albany* She thought I would be upset, but I am not. She is a lot like myself and gets cabin fever when in a spot too long. So I'm not mad, I understand.

I would love to post some pictures for you all, but I don't want to put a bunch of them on Moms computer. So for right now you will just have to suffer.

OK, time to get off here.

We have arrived!

We made it finally to Oregon and my home town at about 0130 in the morning yesterday. Take off from Hartford was excellent as always! We left about 10 minutes early as well. Which was good and made up for us leaving almost an hour and a half late from Washington Dulles. Apparently there was a hydraulic leak on the left wing, which ironically they thought had been fixed two day earlier when it happened then. And then the good news is..they consulted the manual this time for repairs..Ugh. Because everyone wants to hear that crap.

We made up some time in the air and instead of arriving at 9 pm, it ended up being 930 pm. Which is still better than nothing. Dad and Mom picked us up, loaded up the boys and luggage and away we went! The roads out of Portland were pretty good, but once we hit Woodburn you totally knew where all the retarded drivers were! We saw a jack knifed semi truck, a pick up down in the ditch..and Oh Yeah...How about the ass that thought speeding was OK and damn near took out the back end of my Dad's truck with the ass end of his truck? I'm pretty sure the damage points to his truck are pretty good considering he slid the entire length of a small bridge with the front driver's side. I thought for sure we were going to be crushed, but Dad's good in the snow!

It started to snow from Woodburn on, and stopped about 0600 this morning. And it just started a few minutes ago again. So we shall see how this week pans out.

Off to Oregon..

We are heading off to Oregon now...I just wanted to share some pictures of Squeaky opening his first present, and what the present was. It's a little Alphabet Caterpillar which is pretty cool in itself. Chase opened one that was a really cool Transformer's combination. I opened a cute one with Jack Frost Candle's in it! I was SO excited! *stop smiling*

I'm looking forward to our trip and a little vacation. I am hoping to spend a lot of time winding down and relaxing. Getting out of the house. Seeing old friends, meeting new ones.

And Honey, don't worry about me. I stand strong and we will be together soon.

RIP Grandma Bain.

Last night my Grand mother Ilene Bain went to join our Heavenly Father. I am a little disturbed right now because I have not had a good cry yet. I was not particularly close to her, and at risk of offending others am actually feeling relieved right now. Feeling relieved makes me also feel cold hearted to be honest. I have heard of her suffering and constant pain. I have seen her wither from the cute little pudgy Grandma into a skin and bones replica of nothingness. But what hurts the most is the pain my own Mother is in right now.

There is nothing I can say to her to make her feel better. Not a damn thing. She is hurting and I will be there soon to hug her. But this is a battle inside her she has to fight. She wants to cancel Christmas and within my sister and I's infinite wisdom we don't think that should happen. I can tell her that Grandma is not suffering anymore. I can tell her she doesn't have to worry anymore. I can tell her to look at all the positive that Grandma has done, and enjoy those memories. But I know nothing will help her because she is where I came from. And I have my own way to grieve.

Maybe that is why I am not grieving? Because I have been in the medical field for so long that I just don't feel the pain the same way other people do? Because I have seen the suffering for years and years, and I look at death as a savior for the loved ones? I remember having a conversation with my Mom about going to see Grandma Bain. I really, truly fought it to the core but she won. So we made the trip, we saw her..and I'm grateful she was in bed the whole time we were there. Because I really couldn't see how much weight she had lost. I wanted to remember the forgetful, busy Grandma that fussed and fussed over us when we would come to visit. And that's the Grandma I will always remember. The one with the spoiled rotten dogs who annoy the crap outta people.

So Mom, know that us girls love you with all our hearts. And that we want to celebrate Grandma's release from this earth. And celebrate her Memory. And have Christmas knowing she is looking down on us and watching pain free with a smile.

Wondering...

Have you ever had one of those moments where you just wonder? About everything? I'm wondering if the weather is going to allow us to make our trip. I'm wondering how I can chastise Chase about not using common sense and then use a hot glue gun on birthday candles? I'm wondering if Brookelyn will enjoy the picture I made for her. I am wondering if Jim is going to make it home soon. I am wondering where we will be stationed next? I am wondering if I will be able to start school as soon as we get to our next place. I am wondering if I will be able to devote my time to school and not have to worry about working? I am wondering if it is going to be a rough transition having Jim home again? For myself? For the boys? I am wondering what it will be like the first time I sleep in when he does get home. Will I freak out when I wake up thinking the boys have not been cared for because I was asleep? Or will I remember he is home and just have a nice, slow wake up? I am wondering if the my cat will be OK in an other's care while we are gone? I am wondering if our house will still be standing when we get home? I am wondering if I should up our renter's insurance while we are away? I am wondering if I will be able to survive two weeks in my Mother's house. I am wondering if my parent's can handle two weeks of a fussy baby? I am wondering why I can't figure out how to take the songs I don't want to listen to off my Ipod? I am wondering if I will be able to sleep the night before we are supposed to leave? I am wondering if I will be able to pull off the look that Santa stopped by? I am wondering if I will be able to leave the few close friends I have made here to go and make new ones. I am wondering if I should make my house sparkly clean before I leave? I am wondering if I will be able to accomplish my mental list of chores tonight before bed.

I am wondering too much.

Chari Smudge.

Chari Smudge is the name of the Monkey Chase made tonight at Build a Bear for my friend Matt. Matt went above and beyond for us tonight. He made a special trip to meet us at the Crystal Mall so he could take Chase Christmas Shopping for Squeaky and I. While we were there we made a special trip to Build a Bear so Chase could make some bears. He made the adorable turtle below for his little brother. That turtle's name is Swimmer and he's almost the same size as Squeaky himself.

Squeaky is just fascinated with the camera. Every time I tried to get a picture of him and the turtle together..He would stop everything and book towards it. And try to grab it. I would hide the camera, he would go on his merry way. And the *flash* and he would be on his way to me again. And oh dear..the faces this baby makes are precious!

He had a small case of turtle lap tonight. I tried to get some pictures of Chase and the dog he made himself but he simply stated *no camera's please Mommy.* So I left him be for tonight. We are going to head out with my Sister In Law tomorrow to a National Guard Christmas party. So that should take most of the day, and then I will have to stop at the super Wal-Mart in Lisbon for a few more things so I can finish up prepping for packing to go to Oregon. It's difficult to travel when you have a baby. There is soooo much crap you think you need, and then you don't. And let's not forget the crap you leave behind that all of a sudden you do need. Ugh. I'm happy I closed my factory. Hehehe. Even though I do make beautiful babies, they truly are a lot of work indeed.

So again, I really Thank You Matt for being such a wonderful friend to my family and I. It is not often you meet someone with a good heart and honest intentions that does not have a problem being brutally honest. Or keeping people in line. Or just showing someone they are worth the time and energy. You had made a friend for life with our family.

We Love Ya Trouble Maker!

Santa's here!!!

Most babies freak out when they see Santa for the first time. Both of my boys were absolutely amazed. They stared, and when it came time to leave would graciously accept their candy canes and cry after he was out of sight. We attended the DMAA Christmas Party last night and had lots of fun. Jenna, Jonah, Devin, Jessie, Bernie, Chase, Squeaky, Matt and myself all sat and had a great meal together. We then proceeded upstairs and listened to awards after the kids all got to tell Santa what they wanted for Christmas. It was a lot of fun, and I got to take some great pictures of friends.

That up there is Thing 1 and Thing 2. Jonah and Chase just kill me with laughter when they are together. And they are always together when they can be.

Just one of the pictures I took tonight of Squeaky. He looks soo much like his Father. It makes me miss him more and more.

Devin, Chase and Jonah moved FAST when it came time to line up and talk to Santa. Yes, they were within the first few kids to ruin Santa's pants. Oh, and did I mention Squeaky loves the taste of Peppermint Candy Canes? Yes, Thanks Matt. He was sucking on it like there was not tomorrow!

I am completely unsure of what Chase told Santa. But I do know that Santa gave him a big hug and Chase looked like he was in tears when he walked away.

Thanks Santa.

Purple Belt Baby!!

In lieu of Chase receiving his Purple Belt in Karate tonight, I am typing in Purple. He set himself 5 goals for this school year and was VERY proud to wipe earning his next belt off the list. I tried to get some good pictures, but it is difficult with a baby in tow. Special Thanks though to Jessie and Jessica for both assisting me with holding him!


This is Mr. Cummings speaking with Chase right before he received his belt and certificate from Master Cheezic.

This is Chase and Jonah sparring against each other. All those days of my babysitting him were spelled out in their rage last night. Pretty funny stuff!!

I'm very proud of him.

One more day..

And then Chase will be testing for his next belt in Karate. And the day after that is the DMAA Christmas Party. So it's going to be busy for the next few days indeed. I went today and got the boys both Christmas shirts to wear. Chase's is cute..I'll post a picture when we head off to the party.
The door handle on the car was fixed today. So now I don't have to reach into the back from the front on the passenger side anymore. It's a blessing because Squeaky is hard to maneuver in his Maggie Simpson outfit.

Hehehehe. I am also getting ready to get things packed so we can head to Oregon. It's been crazy busy here, and I keep thinking I'm going to forget something. I think I figured out a way to make it look like Santa visited also.

As you can tell, someone is in the Christmas spirit. I am, but I'm not at the same time. I'm going to see if the In Laws will take the boys for a few hours so I can get the car loaded up and then put all the Christmas Presents out so it looks like Santa visited. That way when we get home I will have kept my promise that Santa knows where we live. Nice thinking, huh Mom? Right now I am going to log off here and get some sleep. I have had a lot on my mind lately and I'm really tired now.

Little Update for all...

Hi there Everyone!
I just wanted to let you all know Squeaky went in for his 9 month well check today and got a HUGE thumbs up. On the 7th, he woke up with the switch turned on and started crawling. It was the most amazing thing to see. And he did it a lot more today as well. So he's getting the hang of it, and I'm moving things around again. Meanwhile, as I was telling his pediatrician that he has not even tried to sit up on his own from his tummy..Damned if he didn't do it right then and there! Yeah, he sat up all by himself. And we both just stared at him. And then I realized what he had done and started to clap, saying YAY!! I think I scared him because his face puckered up. At this time he is 29 inches long and weighs 20 pounds. He has 3 teeth in and 2 more popping through. Dr. Terry did give him a prescription for Flouride drops which I filled. Oddly enough though I found out today that our insurance rejected the flouride drops..Any ideas?

On Sunday I will also share that my big boy had his birthday party. Not only was it fun, but it was not nearly as stressful as I thought it was going to be. We invited a terrific group of kids, who have an even better group of parents! I was able to take pictures, and spend time with Chase because a lot of the parent's were busy loving up on Squeaky! And did he enjoy it? Oh heck yeah!! The pizza for the party arrived on time, the cake was really yummy, and Chase loved opening his presents..Rachel took some fantastic pictures with my camera for me. And it looked as though everyone really enjoyed themselves. Towards the end you could see some really pooped kids running around. And the parent's looked the same way.

But we all made it through, and we all laughed, and we all went home happy. Some of us more sugared up than others! Normally we would have just had a simple at home party with a small group of overnighters, but one of Chase's friends is allergic to cats. Which we learned when he threw up on my floor the last time he visited. Hehehe..It's ok..It was the linoleum one! Not to mention that Chase has really had a rough time this year with Jim being gone and his father being a horse's patoot so we mutually decided a party outside the home would be ideal this year.

So we did, and now there are tons of pictures for everyone to enjoy. Some pictures more than others! *wink*

8 years old...

Wow. Chase is 8 years old today. And all I can do is sit back and look at him wondering. How did he grow up so fast? Will he be strong mentally when he hits 16? Dear goodness...He is going to be driving in 8 more years. And then he will be out of the house in 10 more years. What is he going to be like as a young man? We shall see then. Because right now I am just enjoying him as he is. Goofiness and all.

Today we headed out to Karate, did some practice. Then off to George's for lunch. It's Chase's favorite place to eat here in Danielson. And I want to say Thank You to who ever it was that paid our bill. I couldn't tell you in the slightest who it was, but seriously, Thank You. You made us smile today, and the waitress got a great tip in the process.

And then off to Webster we headed where I found a place to order pizza from. $60.00 later I ordered 5 pizzas to be delivered for Chase's party tomorrow.

Who in the world?

Those are seriously some very handsome men in that picture. I know, I am married to one of them! That would be my husband with the wrestler John Cena! Now how cool is that? He saw a few others and made me laugh when he recommended that one of the females should always wear make up. *chuckle*

I am proud to share that Chase will be grading next Wednesday for his Karate School. I will let you all know how he does and what his new rank is. Things are looking like they are smoothing out a little bit finally.

Squeaky is growing like a weed. He is already wearing a lot of 18 month clothes which surprises me since he will only be 9 months tomorrow. Three teeth are in, and there are two more where those came from.

But right now I need to scoot..time to go watch the hot Doctor on Grey's Anatomy!

Amazement...

Recently I wrote a blog regarding Role Models. The person it was about was correct in stating I meant no harmful intentions with it. So with this, I wanted to post an apology regarding making them feel I was stating they were lazy. That was not at all what I meant. What I did mean was that some of the students are falling way behind for various reasoning's and maybe the extra time could be utilized to get them up to speed more. I know I personally can not afford to pay for extra lessons or I would be all over it. But with the continuing struggle of getting the correct medication adjustment for my oldest, he is falling behind as well. Not to mention dealing with a small variety of other issues such as my husband being deployed and a pretty much useless biological father. *It has been 17 days from this post since his father has called him.*

He is getting to a point with his Karate where he is getting discouraged because he can not concentrate and wants to leave the program. Which is truly sad because he started out so strongly and really does have a natural talent inside him. And I do work with him at home but can only do so much when I don't know the steps myself to make sure he is doing it correctly. I do attend every class and watch but the predominance of the time I am unable to see what he is doing because he is training at the far back of the classroom. So maybe he and a few of the other students can be saved?

Now MySpace and the blogs. This is what I do not understand. People write blogs for therapy. To get thoughts out. To share ideas. To share moments in life. To just write simply for killing time purposes. But do they really stop and look at what they are writing? It is true I do not know the lives of some of the people I read blogs on outside of what they write. And to be frankly honest I would enjoy getting to know some of these people. Everyone has a story in them. Everyone has something positive to share with society, but not all people know how to portray that gift. Most people are not even aware of the impact they have on others. Having stated that, when I read the many, many blogs this person had written there was a lot of things within these blogs that could easily have been misconstrued as extremely negative issues. And I can say that I am most definitely not the only person who may have ever read and thought what I did.

When I write it is to share openly my thoughts, feelings and life with the people who read this. I have nothing to hide. I have a really good life right now, but I won't lie when I say that it has not always been this way. I have learned many things over time, and my biggest lesson is that I am responsible for myself and my children only in this world. And because of this, I keep my eyes wide open. If I have tripped up, said or done something stupid, I address it right away now. It was not always that way. People who have known me for a very long time are nodding their heads at this moment saying Yes Indeed. But I am cautious as to what I write and share because I know I have several friends children on my MySpace page who are still at a very impressionable age. The very, very last thing I ever want to hear from one of my beloved friends is *Well, he/she learned that from your page*. I would fall apart should someone get hurt because of my negative actions.

So I may not write a lot on my blog, but when I do it is because something has deeply affected me and I need to get it out and let it be dealt with. Good or bad, it is reality. But I keep it in the back of my mind that whatever I write here is what others will read. And they will all have a different perception of what I am stating. And each person's opinion is their own. And gladly welcomed. I make take offense at what others will say, but it will be thought about and either accepted or disregarded. I will either learn from it or just move along.

But know that it will be read and acknowledged by myself. And all others who may read it. and if you don't want it to be read and judged, set it to private.

Yes, he can!

This is just proof my baby can sleep in any position, anywhere. He will tip his head back and be done with the moment. And I end up laughing hysterically. So here are a few pictures of Squeaky sleeping and of the Christmas Tree that Chase and I made to hang in the living room. That was sooo simple, and so fun at the same time! Enjoy~!