That would be who showed up on my doorstep about 11 am on Friday. DCF, better known as the Department of Children and Families. Why? Because I hit my son. And I admit I popped him in the mouth. I fully and completely admit I did it. But right now I am going to chronicle the day for everyone who reads this to know.
My day started at 0500 with a little voice saying.."Mom, can I have some ice cream"?. No, no ice cream. It is 0500 in the morning. Your alarm does not go off for another hour and a half. Go back to bed, go back to sleep. "Mom, can I watch cartoons in here please"? Fine, watch cartoons. But please be quiet and do not wake up your brother. So on goes cartoons. At 0500 in the morning. Out goes Mom for about 15 more minutes. When I feel my bed shake. And I am wide awake. Tired, but wide awake.
I watched the news to see what the weather was supposed to be like. Back to cartoons. In to Chase's room I go, collect the appropriate clothing, tell Chase to get dressed. I get ignored. Count to three, I still get ignored. Turn off the cartoons, I get yelled at. I correct him with a steady, calm quiet voice. Do not wake up Sebastian. Get dressed and then you can watch cartoons again until I am done showering. Again, a tantrum ensues. I repeat myself a little louder this time and tell him if the tantrum continues, no cartoons at all. FINE. I get yelled at. I peek on baby, who is stirring. But still asleep. Walk into my room again to get my clothes together, cartoons are on and pajamas are still on a certain boy. But his clothes have made it to the floor by the bed next to him. I calmly walk over and turn off the TV, and start to dress him to make my point. He starts to yell at me again about he can dress himself and I yell..FINE..THEN DO IT. I am angry and go into the bathroom. Argument number 1.
While in the shower, I hear Sebastian fussing. So I quickly finish up, get dried off and get dressed. Open the bathroom door to see Chase, jeans..no socks or shirt..standing next to the crib playing with Sebastian. I ask him to please go finish getting dressed and make sure his upstairs stuff is done (bed made, dirty clothes in laundry, let me do his hair) and I am again yelled at. "I will do it in a minute Mom, I am playing with Sebastian". *Deep breathe* No, go do it all now while I change Sebastian and get him dressed for the day. FINE, and the stomp off into my room. I change Squeaky, get him into clothes for the day..go brush my hair in the bathroom, get our vitamins out for the day, and get everything ready to take the boys downstairs. I call for Chase, no answer. Chase..Come here. No answer. Count to three..no answer. So I walk into my room to find him watching cartoons again. Still not fully dressed. Nothing of his morning routine done. So I again turn off the cartoons. I again listen to the tantrum. This time I inform him there will be NO cartoons for the rest of the morning. Get him dressed, get dirty clothes put away, make sure bed and room are cleaned, do his hair and off we all go downstairs. Argument Number 2.
Downstairs he asks, can I make a bowl of cereal. Yes, you may. Remember to put the milk away. So he prepares the cereal, while I make Sebastian's bottle. Chase, please do not open a new box of cereal. Use the one that is already opened, it is the same cereal as what you have in your hand. Little fight over that one until I take the box out of his hand and put the already opened one in his hand. Problem solved, milk in..off he goes to the table in the living room. Bottle prepared, dishes in hot water to soak for a bit until I get back from bus stop. Various chores get done right now. Garbage's all taken out to dumpster. Newspaper brought in from porch. Emails from my Husband peeked at to see if there is any emergency replies needed. Diaper bag prepared for the day. Sebastian gets shots today so I am not sure how long we will be away from the house. All squared away. Into the living room to catch Chase watching TV and not eating his cereal.
Turn off the TV, to listen to another tantrum about "MOM, I WAS WATCHING THAT!" No, I told you no more cartoons this morning because you will not listen to me. "I will listen to you Mom!" It is too late, you chose your path for the morning. I sit him at the table to eat his cereal. TV off. It is very nice and quiet. Chase is eating. Sebastian is having his bottle. I am drinking my bottled water. Chase tells me he is done. Did you drink your milk in the bowl. Yes. What did you say, I did not hear you? YES, he yells at the top of his voice. Sebastian is done with his bottle, I get up and put him on his play gym so I can finish up the last few things to be done. Milk is not drank, so I tell Chase to finish his milk. "NO, I WILL NOT DRINK THAT SHIT!" And I popped him with the back of my hand at that very moment. Not hard, like you would a toddler on the diaper. But because of how I popped him, and his loose tooth that is sticking out I catch it all just right. My pointer finger knuckle has a small chunk missing out of it. I also caught Chase's upper lip a little bit. Enough to get the venous part bleeding. To scare me to death. To freak Chase out because he could taste the blood in his mouth. Was it a huge cut? No. Was I upset. Very much so. But what feeling did I have the most? Disappointment. I am a much better Mother than this. I have never let my temper get the best of me in the almost 8 years Chase has been on the face of this earth. I have never hit my child out of anger. Never.
So I got him cleaned up. I cleaned up my knuckle as well. Got him upstairs, brushed his teeth and sent him downstairs to read while I got it together. He left the bathroom, I shut the door and I cried. I am sure he knew I was crying. But I did. And I scolded myself for doing what I did. I heard Sebastian fussing, so I got myself together and headed downstairs. Got Chase's shoes on and tied. Then I sat him down face to face and apologized for doing what I did. I also explained I should have never popped him in the mouth, and that it will never happen again. I told him as well that he really needed to stop and think before he opened his mouth or made choices. That he needed to start doing as he was told and stop arguing with me. "OK Mommy, I am sorry." I am sorry as well.
Off to school I take him as we missed the bus because of all the issues this morning. I give him a big hug and kiss, check his lip again to make sure we don't have to go to the Dr and into school he goes. I start to cry again. How am I feeling? Sad that I let my son get the best of me. Drop off my Brother in Law's birthday card. Check the mail at the Post Office. Call and reschedule WIC appointment for 1315. Off we head to the Dr's office for Sebastian's 6 month well check. All looks good, shots are given to my littlest man and to home we go. I am thinking on the way home I can make a special dinner for Chase to say I am sorry. And maybe we can rent a movie if there are any good kids ones out right now.
Get home. Sebastian falls asleep so I take advantage of the time and log on to see if Jim is online. No husband, so I check my emails and respond where necessary. While doing this I hear a pounding at the door. Hmmm I think, I wonder if the neighbor needs something. No one visits me at home during the day, and I know it is too late for the mailman to make a delivery.
A small blonde woman at the door with a notepad and briefcase. "Mrs. Meston?" Yes, but I am Mrs. Meston-Kelley. "My name is ***********, and I am with DCF." DCF? What is DCF? And then the light comes on. DCF, as in Department of Children and Family Services? "Yes, we are here to investigate yourself for possible child abuse." What? My mind is racing..what could she be talking about? And then the pop in the mouth comes to mind. Wait, are you talking about my popping Chase in the mouth this morning? "So you admit you hit your son?" Yes. I did. I backhanded my son in the mouth this morning.
And so the interrogation begins. "Are you stressed Mrs. Kelley?" Yes. I have a child with ADHD who has been taken off the medication by his Dr. I have a spouse who is in a war zone 6000 miles away. I have an ex spouse who only contacts us when he wants to start a fight or take us to court. I am basically a single Mother of two boys who are very busy. I am lonely without my husband. I have not held him since last March when my youngest was born. I solely take care of bills, the house chores, the car and anything that comes up. I am a Military Wife. I deal with things as they come at me. Yes, I have a few stresses in my life.
"Do you have family support?" Yes. My husband's family is right here in Danielson and Norwich. I can call them whenever I need something. But I am an old Mother. It is my job to take care of my children, and to deal with all aspects of their lives until my husband comes home. "Is there anywhere Chase can stay the night tonight as he is afraid to come home?" Yes. I called my Mother in Law at this time and asked where they were. At the boat. Can you please come home and get Chase. He needs to spend the night with you. DCF is here because I popped Chase in the mouth thing morning and they reported me. "We are on the way." Within 10 minutes of this call, my Sister in Law showed up. I called the school to have them add her to the pick up roster so she could get him. She said we could not do that over the phone. I replied that since you called DCF and I have them sitting in my living room, it is the LEAST you could do right now for my family. No more argument, name added to roster. Within 10 minutes of my Sister in Law's arrival, my Brother in Law showed up in the ambulance. He was working and made it a point to show up for family support. Thank you. My Sister in Law went and picked up Chase at school and brought him to the house so that the DCF worked could see how he interacted with me. I again started to cry.
He came into the house, hung up his backpack and came over and hugged me. And sat on my lap. And told me he loved me. And I cried. "Now he is now is nothing like how he was at school." Of course not. He had I don't know how many strangers asking him a billion questions regarding how I was as a parent. I am sure he gave answers that he felt they wanted to hear. I know this because he has done it with me. Chase, I don't want you to tell me what you think I am want to hear. I want you to tell me the truth.
Have I by chance mentioned that they did a full body search of my son without me present? "Where did he get the bruise on his bottom?" What bruise? What is this lady talking about? I don't know of any bruises on my son's body as I have been trying to really teach him about privacy. I have been trying my best to get him to shower with the door shut. To teach him to dress and undress in his room. That his body is his temple and no one else should see it but him. And then it occurs to me..Wait. She saw my son naked. "Oh, I don't do body searches without other people present." So this means to me that there were several people in the room who forced my son to undress and be naked? Why have I spent all these years teaching him privacy when people like this will come along and force him to undress against his will? "Well, if it makes you feel better he really didn't want to do it." No, that does not make me feel better at all. You still FORCED him to get undressed. And then you make me feel like an unfit mother because he has a bruise I am unaware of on his body. How do I feel? Outraged. How dare you FORCE my son to undress and search his body WITHOUT my PRESENCE and CONSENT!
"Where did the bruise come from?" Karate. He has Karate classes 3 days a week. "I thought Karate was a no contact sport?" He spars. "Don't they use protective gear?" For his hands, feet and head. I showed her the gear. "But what about a wooden spoon?" What? "A wooden spoon, he mentioned one." Yes, I have threatened to use a wooden spoon on him but I never have. Now, in hindsight I remember he has had a wooden spoon used on him before. My ex Mother in Law would use it on Chase and his cousins in Oregon. I did approach my ex spouse about this. He denied it happened. I explained he needed to go to his Mother's home and look in the side of her chair between the cushion and the side. There would be a wooden spoon there. He did. It was. They are not allowed to watch Chase anymore. Chase a 4 when this happened. How do I feel? Angry. That someone would not even call me from the school and let me know these events were unraveling so I would be able to at least defend myself.
I show this DCF worker the folder in my filing cabinet showing her the battle I have dealt with from my ex spouse over the last year. Oddly, I just weeded it out on Monday. So all that is in there is paperwork from the last year. And this folder is almost 3 inches thick. I show her the notebook I have kept with all the emails, text messages and phone conversation notes in it from my ex spouse. She then tells me she has to contact Mr. Meston to let him know what is going on. I explain, are you aware that if you do that..we will end up knee deep in yet another court battle? I compound this to her. Over and over I reiterate what will happen. "Well, wouldn't you want to know what is happening to your son if he were over in Oregon?" There is a difference, I say. If it happened in Oregon, it would be intentional. And I go into the story of what has already happened. That I am angry as hell she is sitting in my living room over a very minor offense when I tried to get ANYONE to go check on my son during the summer. "What happened over the summer?" My son called me terrified, from the bushes on the side of his father's home. Did you call the police? Yes. What did they do? Nothing, because I was potentially just a vindictive ex wife trying to cause problems. My son needed to call 911. I called DCF in Oregon. They would not do a Welfare Check on my son because I did not have a Police File number. How the hell am I going to get a file number if the police will not even check on my son? Seriously now. "I am sorry that happened to you Mrs. Kelley. Again, I tell her we will end up in court again.
So at this time I have all of my in laws from Danielson in my home. My family support is there. They all know what is going on. "Can I talk in front of them?" Yes, I have nothing to hide. I am a damn good Mother. Do I feel like I am at this point? No. Do I feel like my world is unraveling and I am going to lose my children? Yes. Do I feel lost? Yes. Do I feel human? No. She has me do a survey that is required. While I am doing this survey, my Sister in Law is taking her through my home. I hear them, and she is complimenting how very clean my house is. And the pictures. So many pictures. My home feels so warm and welcoming. Meanwhile, I am answering questions. Do I feel stressed? Yes. Have I used drugs in the past 6 months? No. Have I drank in the past 6 months? Yes. If yes, how much? Twice. Have I felt suicidal? Never. Am I stupid and paying my penance for it? Yes.
My entire visit lasted a little over 4 hours. The conclusion? Chase left to spend the night with my in laws. When he figured out he could not get away with not minding, he was home and in bed by 2030. My Husband called myself from Iraq. I asked him to call Chase at my in laws. He did so, and called me back. Told me he basically ignored everything that was said. He also shared with me that Chase told him "Mommy hit me so hard I almost swallowed my tooth."
I was informed I can not physically reprimand my children. OK, not a problem. I am to seek counseling for myself and Chase. Not a problem. I did that the same day. Chase has an appointment with United Services October 8th. I am going to contact the base in Groton to see what is available for myself due to my husband being deployed. And I will do that on Monday. I missed my WIC appointment so I am hoping they will be open on Monday as well.
Now, how do I feel as a Mother at this moment two days later? Judged. Watched. Abusive. Useless. Violated. Angry. Tearful. Unable to do anything with my son regarding getting him under control. How is he acting? Like he is in charge. Rightfully so I might add. He knows I can do nothing to him. He has pointed out that he will call that lady and I will get in trouble. Now, I understand why there are 16 year olds getting pregnant. Has our society fallen into such that we can not even reprimand our children without potential jail time? I understand why the kids act as they do. I am a Mother with absolutely no control over my child now, and he knows this.
So this case will remain open for the next 41 days. They will decide if something needs to happen, if they need to be involved. Or whether this is an unsubstantiated claim or not. I will be on pins and needles. This will work very well with my ulcer. My son will be completely out of control. Because he knows he can be. I will suffer, Sebastian will suffer. I will try to speak to his ADHD Dr on Monday, but I do not know how effective that will be.
And I, as a Mother..can do absolutely nothing about this except jump through DCF's hoops now and pray my son's are not removed from my home.
