I haven't..

Been writing for awhile because I have been going through a flurry of emotions lately. Everything from depression to excitement. Aunt Flow is partially to blame, but most of it is just from seeing all that is happening around me.

I worry about my friends. I worry about my husband. I worry about my children. I worry about my family. I worry in general. And there is nothing I can do about it.

So sometimes I just sit back and I watch as live unravels over there, and a nice tight knit is made on the other side. I have watched a friend of ours go through an awful divorce only to turn around within the same week and marry someone else.

I am watching another friend go through the throes of dating, when she really just does not want to be. I see another friend who wants to be dating, married, having children..but her walls are too high for even Superman to get over. And then there is the other person who is pregnant with some man's child and thinks that my ex is going to step up and be a father to this baby. He has a child he is not even a father to unless it is convenient. Why in goodness graciousness would she even seriously think he is going to accept a child that is not his and take care of it? There was a reason why he got fixed in the first place. He did not want any other children.

And then there are the emotions of loneliness. I miss my husband. I miss having people over to my house all the time. I miss making the pots of ribs for my husbands friends on Friday nights. I miss having him stare at me in his sleep. I miss nudging him because he is snoring. And while I work my tail off to keep busy knowing it will make the day go by faster, it is just not the same.

I also wonder how I become the bad guy in situations. There is a man in my life that I dated over 15 years ago. We have managed to be friends since then. Our relationship was more than rocky, and we had large spaces here and there where we did not talk. Not long ago, he did a drunk dial and we had a really good talk. A really really good talk. And I thought we got some stuff seriously ironed out. But now he won't talk to me anymore about anything. And I sit and wonder what I did wrong? What did I do wrong? And my epiphany..It was not me. He is dealing with something that he is not strong enough to handle. So I can either sit and wait until we are old and he talks to me again, or I can walk away with my sanity in tact.

And I seem to be doing a lot of walking away. Which is strange because I have always been the strong one. The fighter. The go the distance girl. But now, I am too tired to stand and tackle the issues at hand. Not all of them, just the meaningless ones. The stupid tasks. Like, why is he not talking to me tasks? Why do I care about the drama tasks? Why are you bludgeoning me with stupidity tasks.

So I will slowly be walking away. And if I don't want to deal with it, I will tell them. And they will get mad. And then not talk to me. And then I will worry. Because that is who I am.

Ugh..Not again..

I started a positive parenting class yesterday. Hence why I did not write. Because I am still sorting things outs. You see, according to them I am doing everything wrong. And even so, there are women in there who are attending for the third time. I would like to think I am a better parent than this, but I'm feeling very lost and saddened right now. This week my homework is to ignore misbehavior's, not make negative comments or yell at him, and to ONLY make comments on the good stuff he does. I am sucking at this really badly right now. I would love to make comments on the good stuff, but right now the only things he is doing is negative. And if he is doing positive, it is when I'm not seeing it.

He did lose his second tooth on the top last night as well. I am hoping this is the last one for awhile because the tooth fairy is starting to go broke. And I am learning it is very difficult to sneak into a child's room when everything in this stupid house creaks.

When I went to pick Chase up yesterday from school I learned of a code system they have in place. While I was in the office talking to Mr. Rioux they had to call a *soft yellow*. I finished up my business and then headed outside with the rest of the parents. On the way out, I asked a teacher what exactly a soft yellow was. She said that they had to call an ambulance for a student and it was an indication to the teachers things would be running behind for departure from the school. I also noticed teachers closing the blinds to the windows facing the front of the school where the ambulance would arrive. They announced bus departures through the back side of the school as well.

When the ambulance arrived, there were no lights and sirens. It was a very quiet arrival, load up of the child and departure. It was calm. Most of the children who arrived for parent pick up did not even know what had happened until the parents told them. Chase is, of course, oblivious. He tends to worry too much about people.

I started him on his new medicine today. There was no effect taken as it was a really tiny dosage. In a few days I will up the dosage as his Dr. has requested. I'll keep you all posted on this one.

Dialation!

Yes, Chase did not like that at all! I picked him up early from school and took him to get his eyes checked. I have seen him cover the one eye every now and then when he was reading so I thought it might serve him well to get them checked. And we get one free eye exam a year. So I said, what the heck!

Oh, I so fibbed yesterday when I said that Squeaky had one tooth coming in. There are two of them there! And he is chewing on everything he can! Mom, if you read this...would you do me a favor and go to 7-11 to buy me about $3.00 worth of those jerky disc circles? I used those to teeth Chase and I desperately need them now!

I finally got a call back from Dr. Herklotz tonight. We are going to try Chase on a new medication tomorrow, so let's all pray that it works!

I'm tired, and I will keep you all updated.

What's that?

Today the boys and I went to Lauren's house for a birthday/Halloween party for her two oldest children. She has a beautiful house on 8 acres with some woods around it. Spaced off the road a good distance and really nice. I liked it a lot and would love something like that..but over in Washington State. *lol*

Chase had a lot of fun as there were a ton of children his age at this party. I got out of the house and mingled with a lot of adults. Squeaky just got loved all to death by all the women there! It was a nice time. I even met my neighbor from a few houses up the block because I offered to bring his stepdaughter back home when we left. The kids were a lot of fun, and they learned very fast not to mouth off to adults when I am in the same room. They learned that I am a very calm, quiet person but that my voice can be louder than anyone else's in the area. Yes, I even had their parent's amazed that they shut up.

But the best part of the night came when I was bathing Squeaky. I put my finger in his mouth to clean his gums off, and guess what I found? A little tooth starting to poke through. I was so excited I called Chase and showed him. He got really excited and told me it was going to be cool that Squeaky will get his tooth when Chase looses his! I had to laugh. OK..Off I go to straighten up my house. We have an eye appointment for Chase tomorrow. And I'm heading off to the ADHD Dr to get some answers.

The sleepover..

Went fantastic! Chase, Jonah and Devin all had a great time at the DMAA sleepover last night! I thought I would get a phone call about 10ish, but nothing came so I just got some much needed sleep.

I rented The Happening, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and the new Indiana Jones movie. I can firmly say I will be buying The Happening and the new Indy movie. Both I thought were fantastic! M. Night Shymalian is an interesting writer and I really wonder what it would be like to grow up in his house. *lol* Of course, I wondered the same thing about Stephen King as well for a long time.

Both Jonah and Chase were tired today so this afternoon we all *Squeaky included* got a 2 hour nap in before Jenna got there to pick up Jonah. Chase and Jonah make quite a comedy team indeed. I get a laugh out of them..:)

OK, I'm going to head back into the other room and torture the boys for awhile. Night!

No rest for the Wicked..

Today was SO busy! I got up on time even though I didn't want too. Squeaky was up at 0200 wide awake. So I gave him a bottle, and he was asleep again by 0300. I tried something a little different tonight..I fed him food and cereal at about 1830 to hopefully make him full enough to sleep throughout the night. We shall report back tomorrow on how that went.

I finished Chase's costume today. I learned a few valuable lessons in the process. 1) You can not do anything with raffia *straw* when there is a cat in the house. The will inevitably get it drug through your entire house before you know it. 2) Raffia does not suck up into a vacuum so you have to pick up EVERY piece by hand. 3) Cats and hot glue guns are bad combinations. But I will post pictures of the boys in their costumes for everyone to see tomorrow, I promise.

Everything is done and organized with Chase's fundraiser. Checks are all written, cash is on the way to my bank. It is now all nicely packed up in Chase's backpack and it occurred to myself today that I will have to carry all this stuff out to my car. Eek. That's a lot of freaking candle stuff.

Chasers gutted his pumpkin today and will be carving it tomorrow to take to the sleepover for judging. The best pumpkin will get a small prize. I don't expect him to win anything, but I will definitely be proud of him for at least entering. And as big as the pumpkins are, those damn things are thick skinned literally. Hardly anything on the inside..but easily about an inch and a half thick. Yuckers. I'm going to mess with the hollowed out one and Sebastian tomorrow..I hope it works!

And last but not least I picked up a walker for Squeaky today. Got it home, put together and set him in it. And realized I had it set way too high for him. His feet were dangling in the air about 4 inches above the ground. Now, for future reference..make sure the baby is NOT in the walker when you go to adjust the height. Because I can firmly tell you their legs will get squished and they WILL look at you like your retarded for adjusting it with them in it. I know. I did it. Squeaky was not happy and to make matters worse..Chase and I were laughing so hard at the look I got from him that I couldn't even adjust it upwards. Yeah..He was not happy.

One more small side note. Chase learned tonight that you NEVER take a diaper off a baby until seconds before you put them in the bath. That would be because I made him pick up the rabbit turds that Squeaky made on the floor when I stepped out of the room to tuck Chasers in. Yes, he will never touch that diaper again.

One more day closer..

To my husband getting home. Which is good because I am ready to get out of here. I'm just uncomfortable here and feel unsafe without my husband. I miss the north west really badly right now. Mostly my family, but I'll be OK once I get busy again tomorrow.

Small update on the fundraiser. Our final total is $537.00. Chase has worked really hard, so today while he was at school I went and found some really cute Thank You notes. I made a list of all the people who bought candles so each night until they come in he is going to write out one Thank You note to each of those people for helping him raise money for the school. I am very proud of him. He did a great job with this.

Speaking of Chase as well, the Tooth Fairy will be visiting tonight also. That stupid wonky tooth has finally met its match. It took a little Orajel, but it came out tonight. What was really interesting is that the skin underneath was almost completely healed already. It was hanging in there literally by a piece of skin. But it's out. Thank Goodness!

Tomorrow we are going to work on his pumpkin and I'm going to finish the last of his costume stuff. Gotta plug in the hot glue gun and get that puppy done!

OK, time for the Tooth Fairy to sneak upstairs...:)