I'm back again...

After a long absence, I have decided to start writing again. Sam is no longer with us, as he intentionally started a fire at our house. Why? Because he did not want to be there, and he knows how to manipulate situations to his advantage. Am I upset? Yes. I feel like I completely failed him and myself. Did I? No. I did not. I have come to the thoughts that Sam has failed himself. We brought him into our home, supplied him with an excellent school system, family love and support and everything that he needed including therapy. But there was nothing I could have done to prepare myself for what he gave back.

Assualtive behavior, manipulation and lies. Completely and constantly. And we are not even talking about little while lies! We are talking about EVERYTHING. Did you flush the toilet? Yes, but Chase didn't. Ok...well...who was the last person in the bathroom. Chase was. Well..that would be fantastic IF CHASE WAS NOT STILL IN BED! Seriously!! It's sad to be honest. But as Jim said, Sam will be alone and flipping burgers for the rest of his life at the rate he is going.

Did he pay us back? Yes, and then he turned us into SSI and claimed we took all of his money in return. So we had to pay back the $600.00 to SSI and he is now saying that he won't be paying us what he owes. What is going to happen in return? He is now listed as a potential Arson risk on some program through the Fire Department. Kind of like how they keep track of criminals. Now, the situation at hand is this: Sam has started fires before..Which would have been nice to know BEFORE we took him in. What we have done by putting him on this registry is that if he does start another fire, he will be arrested this time.

How are Chase and Sebastian doing? Fantastic to be honest. They seemt o be thriving with the low amount of stress that is encompassing our home now. Jim and I are fighting less as well. It is very nice indeed! Last term, despite the issues at hand with Sam I was able to pull a 3.40 GPA. Proud is a good word to explain how I felt.

But for now, my computer class is almost over so I should log off of here.

Surviving my first term...

Well, here we are with less than three weeks until school is out. Am I stressed? ABSOLUTELY! Why? Because I have so much to do, and am running out of time to finish my projects and classwork. It is really not as bad as I make it out to be: however, I am doing my best. Jim is away at BCNOC (hope I spelled that one correctly) so he is not able to assist myself with the boys. So I find myself up until late at night studying after the boys are in bed. My grades are fine, but it is my dedication to continue with being a strong student that matters the most. I am the example for my children. If I do not do well in school, why should they? Class is out now, so I am going to head and pick up the baby. And then off to the house so he can nap and I can do homework.

Patriotism

Every night as the sun sets, there are soldiers who sit in foreign countries protecting our futures by risking their own lives’. From those selfless acts comes one simple word that puts a sense of pride into one’s heart, which would be patriotism. Patriotism is defined in the dictionary as a devoted love, support, and defense of one's country; national loyalty. The straightforward act of patriotism can be seen wherever one may turn, but can also be felt inside when faced with the many trials and tribulations of life.

Patriotism is the pride of a soldier who walks with his head up and shoulders straight while he or she is in uniform. For many soldiers, patriotism is a sense of honor, integrity and respect to know that they are strong enough to leave their loved ones behind to go to war and defend our great nation. For others it is a sense of loyalty, duty and selfless pride that leads them within their patriotism. Upon hearing the word patriotism, SSG Veny Castillo sees in his mind, “The American flag over a dark ocean of stars in the sky, and fire on the water.”

Patriotism can be the many American flags that are displayed in the neighborhood windows to show support for our troops. It can be the way people tear up when they hear Lee Greenwood singing “Proud to be an American”. It can be the seventy year old veteran hoisting the American flag every morning and lowering it at dusk on the flag pole they erected in their own front yard. It can be the family who sits at a restaurant and secretly pays for the meal of a Vietnam veteran in the next booth to silently say “thank you” for all they had sacrificed when they went to war for our freedoms and liberty. It can be just a simple hand shake, or the words “thank you for your service” when a soldier in uniform is seen in public.

Patriotism is the sound of a bugle playing “Reveille” as the sun rises and “Retreat” as dusk encompasses us. It is the standing out of respect with hand on heart as children say “The Pledge of Allegiance.” It is an entire nation that weeps at tragedy when a soldier returns home one last time in a flag draped wooden casket. It is the deafening applause from on-lookers as a group of dirty, tired soldiers deplane upon return from fighting in a foreign country.

Patriotism is the sound of cheers as crowds all over the United States celebrate the 4th of July with fireworks booming overhead. It is the way complete strangers band together and support each other when traumatic events occur and thousands of people die for no reason. It can be the way a community comes together to support a young widow and her children when an officer and chaplain appear at the door bearing the news that her soldier has died. It can be a simple touch on the hand from one military spouse to another that silently states, “You are not alone even though your soldier is gone.”

Patriotism can wear many hats, and is never the same from one event to the next. People are taught from birth to support their great country and the many people around themselves. Some choose to do so from their front porches. Others choose to join the military and serve overseas or in various war zones. Many wear their patriotism in the way they walk with pride because they are American. Others show it by the ways they volunteer their time and energy to various charities that support soldiers and their families. But no matter what is said, felt, heard, or seen; patriotism will live in our hearts until it beats no more.

Wedding Ring

For millions of years, people showed their devotion for one another with a variety of trinkets. Rough, twisted reeds braided into bands for the fingers and wrists. Strong, colorfully stained papyrus bent into multiple circles and strung together to make chains for the neck and ankles . Only one style of trinket has stood the test of time to show eternal devotion between a man and a woman. With the belief that the vein in the left hand ring finger travels directly to the heart, a simple gold band with a few sparkly diamonds holds eternity in one circular motion.

Everyday the right hand awakes early and travels across a warm expanse to seek out the small round piece of metal that encompasses the tanned left ring finger. Should one remove this simple piece of gold, one would find an empty, white indention within the skin that screams to have its ring put back into place. The simple gold sliver is not very big size-wise, only a sever; however, it is thick in width. There are two simple gold bands connected together, each with special meaning. There is no smell to this ring. There is no taste to it either. And the only sound it will make is, if dropped, a small tinkle sound.

The first little sphere is simply just that, a sphere. Gifted upon the heart finger on July 22, 2005, the little sphere has only departed its roost once. That simple little band will always be the closest to the heart until death do we part. The second small band, which is connected, carries the half carat diamond that quite often captures the eyes of onlookers. With brilliance, the cut of this little heart conquers every ounce of light and sparkles with zest until the darkness engulfs the world nightly. Five little points of gold hold it in place, but do not detract from its beauty in any way. Carefully place on each side, the brilliance is enhanced by four little diamond baguettes that glitter as much as the heart shimmers.

This little gold band encircles not only the finger, but reminds the heart of a special day filled with love and warmth. It is a symbol of dedication between a man and a woman which will last until the final breath of either is drawn. Through all good things, and even the bad that has been handed to this couple within life, this simple little band will direct them down the path towards the right direction.

There are millions of rings that symbolize love to many couples and relationships. Some women have diamonds so large that one can only wonder how these women still walk upright. Others have no diamonds at all, only the simple golden band encircling their finger. And despite these choices, the one that encircles the heart finger connected to this heart will withstand all the trials of time. And someday, this little gold band will be passed on to someone else who will cherish its meaning and dedications until death do they part as well.

So much...

To do, yet I am unsure where exactly to start? I feel as though I am slacking with my family duties. I feel as though I am slacking with my friends. I also feel as though my relationship with my husband is falling through the cracks. And yet I pursue my potential degree. My house is cluttered. My children are fed, clothed and happy...but how much do they miss of thier mother since she is so busy doing school work all the time? Is my sacrifice beneficial to my children now?

And here we go~

Things have changed a lot since my last blog. Sam is coming around slowly and is understanding that he won't be going anywhere else. He is acknowledging that Jim and I are now his parents. And he is learning that it is OK for him to be angry with his mother for what he has been through. All in all, things are slowly working their way upwards.

Chase is working on moving forward with things as well. He really does not want to go to his father's house. But because he is flying back with Grandma Meston, he is willing to go out there to spend time with her. He disapproves of his father's girlfriend, but knows that his father will not listen to him. It is still a sad situation.

Our attorney is Oregon is reviewing some documentation that we sent him. Basically, we have asked my ex spouse to drop his insurance on Chase as it is useless to us. It is also causing conflict with our insurance. So because of all the conflict, Chase has no insurance right now. What do we need to resolve this? A letter from the ex's job stating that his insurance no longer is carrying Chase. And then we can re-enroll Chase with Tricare Prime and he will be fully insured after that. What's causing the conflict? Seriously, the ex does not want to pay the $128.00 fee to the courts. I paid for all the paperwork to be written up and submitted, so it would only be fair for him to pay the court fee, right? Well, the way I am seeing things is that the court fee is going to eventually cost him about $1500 after my attorney is done. But such is his ignorance.

OK, right now I am going to scoot. I think I will work on my homework for Saturday class and then finish retyping my Illustration Essay.

Night all.

BTW..I am taking 4 classes at this time, and I have 4 A's. I'm feeling very proud of myself.

How to move forward?

How do you assist a 15 year old child with learning that his past is just that, his past? How do you teach him that he can no longer just skate through life? That he can no longer run the show and be the boss of the house? How does one teach a child to be a child and learn from his mistakes?

These are all things that Jim and I are really battling right now. REALLY battling! He is failing 5 of his 7 classes right now. He does no homework. He argues with the teachers. He thinks that he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants. Am I frustrated? Yes. Very frustrated! Almost ready to scream frustrated.

Jim and I have decided at this point that we are going to retract our offers of assisting him with getting his license and a car. We really feel like we have no choice in the matter right now. He doesn't want to work at things, we will absolutely not supply goodies for him. If there are suggestions as to how to get through to him, please let me know. Because I don't want him to end up a statistic just like the rest of his brother's and sister.

And that is where he is headed. Trust me. They are doing MAP testing right now at the schools. Sam is testing in at 208 and he is proud of that. Today I learned that he is testing in at a 2nd grade level. And that upset me. I was almost in tears. How could Amory let a child down like this? She let down 5 children, but this is by far the worst I have seen of these children. He is in 9th grade and my 3rd grader is smarter than he is. How unfair is that? Seriously?

OK, as for myself I need to get off here and get my homework done. As soon as I get things squared away, I sink again. So tonight I have a ton of stuff to finish for Saturday class. Yes, you read that correctly. I have school Monday through Saturday.