An Open Letter to an Ex Lover

I do not even know where to start with this letter to be honest. Maybe at the beginning? I met you one night when my friends drug me into this little crappy bar. You were bar tending and I thought, Wow. He is so handsome. But he won't want to date me, I have issues. I was separated from my husband and waiting for him to come back to see if things could be worked out. I had a college scholarship to tend to when he got home. I had a lot going for me. I mentioned to a then close friend of mine how handsome you were and off my friends and I went to another bar.

Little did I know my friend knew you, and he shared this information with you. So yet another night, while out drinking with friends..you showed up at the place we were all drinking. I invited you over, bought you a beer and we hit it off. Ended up spending the night together on a friend of mine's couch while she and her guy were off doing whatever. Nothing happened that night. I was just amazed you were with me. I told you everything. About my scholarship. About my marriage. About how he cheated on me. About how unsure my feelings were at the time. That I didn't want anything serious. I didn't want to hurt anyone else. I didn't want to be hurt anymore than I had already been. So we just casually hung out.

You asked me to a company dinner. You asked me to a family dinner. We really hit it off. We were truly inseparable. All your pool and darts, I was there. Your softball, I was there. I became an ingrained part of your life. You were always at my apartment. But then again you lived with your sister at that time. In her garage I may add. But I still accepted you. And then the time came when I had to face up and deal with either working things out with my husband or leaving him. So I packed up and moved everything to San Diego, California. I spent less than two weeks there and I was miserable. I missed you more than anything in the world. I talked to you everyday on the computer. I finally called you to meet me halfway so I could come back home. And you did. I signed off on my college scholarship, packed up my belongings into a U-Haul truck and left my husband. And started a new life with you.

I moved into your Mother's house until we could find our own place. And less than a week after I was home we found out we were expecting our child. I was shocked. I was scared to death. I never wanted children. I was not meant to be a Mother. I was not good enough to be a Mother. I barely could take care of myself..How was I going to take care of another person? So I showed you the test, and then I took another one in front of you. How was I going to tell my Mother? How was your Mother going to react? Well, my Mother was excited. Your Mother..Well..She did sigh like I was trying to trap you. Are you sure this is what you both want? I don't know. I was not expecting it. But I was 27, and it was time for me to grow up. And I did. Really fast.

So we sat down and had the talk. I don't want you to be with me just because I am pregnant. No, I want to be with you because I Love You. Are you sure? Because if you are not, we do not need to be together. No, No..This is what I want. I remember this conversation like it was yesterday. This was one of the hardest conversations I have ever had in my life. So we moved in together. And I quit my job bar tending because it was unsafe for the baby. And I did my prenatal appointments. And I went to college. 16 credits a term for the entire pregnancy. And I did great! I carried a 3.5 GPA the entire time. And then I had our beautiful son. December 6, 2000. He was perfect. Looked just like you. Identical to you. Which was completely ironic due to you claiming he was not your son.

Do you remember the fights we had. Because Pauline told you I said you were just supposed to be a one night stand. And you were. But you just would not go away. And my feelings for you grew. And we fought because Lenae told you she peed on the pregnancy test because I was trying to teach you a lesson. Oddly enough, you were right there when I peed on that test. So how did I get Lenae from clear across the city to pee on it when you were sitting on that bath tub right in front of me. Oh..and I almost forgot. He was not your child. I was 5 months pregnant when this fight happened. You had surgery for a hernia the day before that. And you came home from where ever you were at and started yelling at me about how I cheated on you and this was not even your kid. How I got pregnant in California. How dare I have you support me and make you believe this was your kid. You did the math, didn't you. Especially after he was born. And you looked into your eyes. And even now, 8 years later. That child looks identical to you. So there is the beginning of your first apology to me.

Let's talk about the night I for sure caught you cheating on me. It was your birthday, do you remember that? How you called me from work and said you were going out for a few beers. I said Sure. Just please don't be out too late. I had worked very hard on a cake and dinner for you. I was going to try and be very romantic. See if I could get a spark back into our intimate life. I was 7 months pregnant at that time, and you would not make a single move on me. Your response when I asked why? Your getting a little too fat for me. I'm not attracted to you. Well Guess What? I was getting fat because I was carrying our child. Our beautiful son. Any other man would have had me that very moment. But I only wanted you. So you finally came home from the bar that night at midnight. Yes, the moment had passed..dinner was eaten and everything cleaned up and put away. Cake into the dumpster by that time. Off to bed I went only to be awoken by you trying to crawl into bed oh so quietly. A fight ensued. And off to the couch you went.

And the strangest thing happened. At 2:15 am our home phone rang. Who was it? I don't know because I didn't answer it. But you did. And I heard you say OK. And you hung up. And up you got and started to get dressed. Where are you going? I asked suspiciously. I forgot my cigarettes at the bar. You can buy a new pack in the morning. No, I need those right now. Who was on the phone? My sister calling to wish me a happy birthday. Really? At 2:15 in the morning? Yeah. And off you went. No sooner did you head out the door than I picked up the phone and dialed *69. And it rang back to the bar. The same bar you worked weekends at. And oddly, no one answered. I knew why. So I called, and I called, and I called, and I called some more. Until I heard your car pull up 45 minutes later. And it was the damnedest thing..you still didn't have your cigarettes. But you did walk in the door with an erection. And you had a really tough time looking me straight in the face.

And I called you out on the phone call, didn't I? Who called from the bar? Oh, it was Chris. She called to ask where the plunger was. Isn't there an owner to the bar. And why the hell is she calling you for a plunger? I knew what you had done, I could see it in your face. I could smell it on your skin. I could feel it from your actions. Straight into the shower you went. And then you wanted to cuddle in bed with me. I was too tired to fight you on this one. But I did walk down to the bar 7 months pregnant the next night, didn't I? And I walked right into the kitchen where Chris was working while you were off waiting tables, didn't I? And I confronted her right then and there, didn't I? And she was in tears when you walked in, wasn't she? Yes, she was in tears because she had just told me exactly what had happened between you guys the night before.

I should have left you then. Shame on me. But you had me convinced no one would take me with no job, a baby on the way. And that no one would want someone as fat and ugly as I was. And I will tell you, I felt that way thanks to you. Because for a man who supposedly loved me as much as you did..Wow. You made me feel like a winner.

Now I will never claim that I was perfect, because I was not. I had my faults. Like being too mature after I got pregnant. And getting fat while I was pregnant. And having friends. Or talking to people who were not associated with you. Or related to you. God forbid, you freaked out on me because I had my other pregnant friend Erika over when you came home from work. Did you know you creeped her out? You made her feel like you were going to attack her at any minute? Oh, we can talk about the time that I pushed you after your surgery because I was trying to stop you from leaving and cheating on me again. Or we can talk about the time I threw the glass at the wall but you told your sister I threw it at you. I should have thrown it at you. At least that way I would have earned the ass chewing your useless sister gave me. Had I not been pregnant, I would have probably stood up for myself. But I was, and I didn't. And by the time I did stand up for myself it was just too late. And now, I am standing up to you one last time.


You see, I did not deserve what you put me through. I did not deserve to be lied to. I did not deserve to be cheated on. I did not deserve to be told I was useless, fat, ugly, unintelligent. That I would go no where in life. That no man would want me anymore as a single mom. That I was a no one who would make it no where in life.

And look at us now. We have an intelligent, handsome son. I have a wonderful husband of over 3 years now. I have another handsome son. I have lived overseas. I have traveled. I have been everything including a pillar of support in our son's life. I have lived in different states. I have a solid family. Eventually I will have a college degree. Because I have two families that love and support me.


And what do you have? Your same, self indulgent, pitiful self who will never move away from his Mommy or Sisters. Because they do all your dirty work for you. You are always broke. You have gone through 3 serious relationships and god only knows how many flings since I married my husband. You have been fired from your job of 8 years. And had to take a job of lesser pay. You have hurt women almost as much as you hurt me. And you can't seem to get rid of the psychotic one's even if they are mentally hurting your son.


Because you are not a true man at all. You see, a true man would never have had to tear down a strong, intelligent women to make himself feel better about who he is. A good man would have treated women with respect. A real man would have faced up to reality and not bit off more than he could chew. Or at least admit it.

So I will never open my arms, nor my door to you ever again. I will never trust you. I will pray several times a day for my son's safety while he is with you. And one day, I hope you realize you are nothing to anyone and straighten out your act.

Until then..You are dead to me.

What is a Military Wife?

My good friend Tonia posted this on MySpace, and I agreed with it whole heartedly. So I had to repost it here. Let me know what you think?

"What is a MILITARY Wife?"

A Military wife can be tough to describe.


She is a Southern belle, a Northeastern Mets
fan, a California 3rd generation recycler, a
Pacific Islander or even European.


She is short or tall.

A tomboy.

A fashion diva.

A physician's assistant.

A Republican.

A Democrat...

A Military Wife is a career gal.

A home-schooler.

A scrap-booker.

An accomplished cellist.

An auto mechanic.


What IS a Military Wife?
WHAT is a Military Wife?
What is a MILITARY Wife?

They may look different and each is wonderfully unique,
but this they have in common...

Lots of moving...
Moving.

Moving.

Moving.

Moving far from home.

Moving two cars, three kids, one dog,
and a cat...
all riding with HER, of course.

Moving sofas to basements because they
won't go in THIS house.

Moving curtains that won't fit.

Moving jobs, and certifications, and
professional development hours.

Moving away from friends.

Moving toward 20 new friends.

Moving her most important luggage; her
trunkful of memories.


Often waiting...
Waiting.

waiting.

waiting for housing;
waiting for orders;
waiting for deployment;
waiting FOR reunion;
waiting for phones calls;
waiting for the new curtains to arrive;
waiting for him to come home for
dinner----AGAIN!

They call her "military dependent",
but she knows better...
She can balance a checkbook.

Handle the yard work.

Fix a noisy toilet...
As well as check the fluids in her car!

She is intimately familiar with drywall,
anchors, and toggle bolts.


She can file the taxes,
sell a house,
buy a car,
or set up a move...
all with ONE POA (Power of Attorney).


She welcomes neighbors that don't always welcome her.


She re-invents her career with every PCS;
locates a house in the desert,
the arctic, or the deep south, and learns to
call them all "home".


She MAKES them all home.


She is fiercely IN-dependent...
Military Wives are somewhat hasty;
They leap into decorating, leadership,
volunteering, career alternatives,
churches, and friendships.

They don't have 15 years to get to know
people.


Their roots are short but flexible.


They plant annuals for themselves and
perennials for those who come after them.


Military Wives quickly learn to value each
other.


They connect over coffee, rely on the
spouse-network, and accept offers of friendship
and favors... all the while recording addresses in pencil.


Military Wives have a common bond.


The Military Wife has a husband unlike other husbands.

His commitment is unique...
He doesn't have a job,
he has a "mission" he can't
just decide to quit...
He's on-call for his country 24/7,
but for military wives, their husband is the most unreliable
guy in town!

His language is foreign:
TDY
PCS
OPR
ACC
BDU
... so, a Military Wife is also a translator for her
family and friends.


She is the long-distance link to keep them
informed, the glue that holds them together.


A military wife has her moments...
She wants to wring his neck,
dye his uniform pink, and
refuse to move to Siberia.


But she always pulls herself together.


Give her a few days, a travel brochure, a
long hot bath, a pledge to the flag, and a
wedding picture.


... And she goes. She packs. She moves.
She
follows.


Why? What for? How come? You may think it is
because she has lost her mind.


But, actually it is because she has lost her
heart.


It was stolen from her by a man.

A man...
Who puts duty first.

Who longs to deploy.

Who salutes the flag.

And, whose boots in the doorway remind her
that as long as he is her Military husband,
She will remain his Military wife....

THAT is what a military wife IS!

Ughs...

I'm still sick. And I probably will be for the rest of the week. But the positive side is this will be the one time I get sick until summer. Usually the way it goes. Thank Goodness. This is hard to do alone.

So on another note..I watched the season starter for Grey's Anatomy. I was planning to switch it over at 10 pm so I could watch the season starter for ER, but it just did not happen. What the hell happened to Izzy? Did she kill herself? Why did Denny finally see her dress? That was a twist and a trip. I'm not a huge fan of Grey's, but this one just got my attention. Yes, I will be tuning in next week.

Sebastian has started to babble. He has not yet tried to crawl, but he is definitely mobile. He will lie on his stomach and roll all over the place. He stands well when assisted, but won't get on his knees yet. He looks like he is doing a girls push up, and then says Ba Ba Ba Ba...It's funny to see!

Carter had his wooohooo clipped on Friday. Yes, he is now a she. And he is mad at me. LOL He has finally come to me, and it is Sunday. He sleeps in the crib with Sebastian or he will sleep on the end of Chase's bed..but no where near me. I think he is getting over it now. We shall see if he starts to torture me again. Then I will feel loved.

OK, it is now 7 pm so I'm going to scoot and get the boys showered and into bed. Night all.

Sick, Sick, Sick.

The last few days have come and gone. But I have been sick. 102 fever and really tired. But I am surviving it. I shall write tomorrow afternoon.

Quick note...

All is going as well as can be expected. I started doing parent pick up today to make sure I knew where Chase was. I cleaned my house, again. Not that it was messy..but I have this thing with floors. I did the bills. I scrapbooked a couple of pages. Just mostly did nonsense things to keep myself busy and my mind off of things. I am a thinker..and I do it a lot to say the least.

But I'm really tired today so I am heading to bed.

Got Brains?

Today sucked from the get go. I couldn't sleep last night to save my life. I tossed and turned. I had nightmares. I made coffee this morning. And then the text messages started. *Does she know I live in Oregon and I am three hours ahead of her?* *It must have been really bad if she is trying so hard to get ahold of me like this.* I still have no idea if the DCF lady spoke with him because I was irritated as all get out when I found out he adjusted Chase's medication during his visitation.

It seems he is friends with a Dr. Goldner out there whom he asked if Chase should be on this particular medication or not. Well, this Dr. apparently told him that it would be OK for him to lower his dosage. Without consulting myself or Chase's ADHD Dr, he took it upon himself and did so. So instead of 15 mgs a day, Chase was taking 5. It was a great conversation that I will type out tomorrow on here. I think everyone needs to see and hear this. Because he has absolutely no concept at all that his decrease in medication and then sudden increase in medication because I was giving him his regular dosage is most likely what caused the problems Chase was having in the first place. I told him I was going to contact this Dr to get her records and he said...No...I didn't take him in for an appointment, I just talked to her about it. I am still going to call her.

And then as if dealing with his texts all day was not enough, Chase did not get off the bus. He wasn't paying attention or something and the bus left with him on it. So when I got down there, he was not there. I did panic. I put Squeaky in the car and off we went to the school. Mr. Rioux called the bus office and they told him that the bus driver just dropped Chase off at the house. Great! But I'm not there. Luckily I left the door unlocked so Chase could get in. I told Mr. Rioux I was not happy and that Chase will be a parent pick up from now on. This is the third time this bus driver has screwed up regarding Chase and I won't let it happen again. So I will go in and give details tomorrow morning.

Right now I am going to take a hot shower because my neck is just killing me.

And now the wait...

So the ex spouse called tonight wanting to know why someone named ******** was calling to speak to him from Connecticut. So I had Chase tell him what exactly happened on his end, and then I explained to him what I did and what is going on from this point. He was not happy with what Chase said and how he was acting which led us to the situation at hand. But I will say that from his tone of voice he is very contemplative. If it is good or bad, I shall find out soon enough.

But we did talk about what is going on with Chase. The little mood swings, the bed wetting and the clamming up when he really wants to talk about things. He stated he understands my frustrations, and I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt..but it won't happen. Too many times we have discussed things with Chase that he has turned around and used against me for his own purposes. But I double dog dare him to drag me into court on this one. I really do. And I was correct on the medication issue with Chase. He told me that he *spoke to a medical professional out here who said Chase should not be on this medication*. So he was not giving him the medication as was told by Chase's Dr here.

Go figure. No one reading this is surprised. I should have challenged him and asked who he spoke to but I am just not up for the fight tonight.