Resolutions 2009

My visit has nearly come to an end in Oregon. I have seen more snow here than I remember in my life. I have seen friends that mean the world to me. I have removed people from my life that are poison. I have made new friends to enjoy for the years.

I came to several very strong realizations. My life is simple, yet hectic. My life is strong, but there are some weak points. But most of all, my life is just mine. No one elses to dictate. No one elses to make choices with. I married my best friend, my lover, my rock. He has done everything for me he possibly can with our distance. But he is mine. And he loves me. And he loves our sons.

I have traveled not only throughout the states, but other parts of the world as well. I have had not only one very handsome son, but I now have two. I have friends that have been with me for over 20 years. I have friends that have been with me for over 15 years. I have friends that have been with me for over 10 years. My husband and I are heading into 4 years of marriage at this time.

I have been through divorce. I have been through custody court. I am a believer that what does not kill you will make you stronger. I have survived life, and kicked it's ass. Yet it has kicked my ass as well at times. But I still move forward. Because my life is worth living.

I have many blessings that sometimes I don't see.

So my Resolutions this year are simple. Nothing outlandish. And here they are for God and all to see.

1) I will not speak about anything other than my son's safety and accomplishments with a certain someone. I will not be drug into his drama and outlandish lifestyle. He has not ever grown up, and never will.

2) I will lose 50 pounds hopefully by the time Jim gets home in June. If not, definitely by the time I write a new Resolution Blog.

3) I will quit drinking completely. It is not only a complete waste of money, but I tend to make an ass of myself and am tired of people remembering me from the bar. I have so many better qualities than that.

So there it is, and I will keep you updated through the year on my progress.

Christmas Eve..

Now who said sinks don't make good tubs these days? That is the only place I have right now to bathe Squeaky because my parent's only believe in showers. So off to the back porch into the utility sink he goes! He loves it though and makes splashes sooo big that the dog on the floor wonders why it is raining inside.

It is Christmas Eve, and I just got a phone call from my Husband. He's hating being so far away from all of us, but we will have him home next year for sure. I picked up my wedding band yesterday, and it is phenomenal. I'm going to call it Jack though because with the baguettes in the wrap and the heart shaped diamond it looks a lot like Jack Skellington. And that makes me happy.

OK, I am going to get off here because I have to head to the store for some goodies.

Snow still?

OK, so it's not snowing here but the weather is just as crappy. Freezing rain and did I mention the trains and buses are not running? Yeah! Yesterday they cancelled not only the train services but the bus services as well. And this is the first time I honestly have ever heard of BOTH stopping at the same time. Now normally this would not affect me with the exception that my best friend is stranded here right now. She lives up in Scappoose and what was meant to be a 2 day trip has turned into a 4 day excursion.

Last night she went to spend the night in Sweet Home with some other friends she has known for a long time. *Quick update, I just looked outside and it is snowing here in Albany* She thought I would be upset, but I am not. She is a lot like myself and gets cabin fever when in a spot too long. So I'm not mad, I understand.

I would love to post some pictures for you all, but I don't want to put a bunch of them on Moms computer. So for right now you will just have to suffer.

OK, time to get off here.

We have arrived!

We made it finally to Oregon and my home town at about 0130 in the morning yesterday. Take off from Hartford was excellent as always! We left about 10 minutes early as well. Which was good and made up for us leaving almost an hour and a half late from Washington Dulles. Apparently there was a hydraulic leak on the left wing, which ironically they thought had been fixed two day earlier when it happened then. And then the good news is..they consulted the manual this time for repairs..Ugh. Because everyone wants to hear that crap.

We made up some time in the air and instead of arriving at 9 pm, it ended up being 930 pm. Which is still better than nothing. Dad and Mom picked us up, loaded up the boys and luggage and away we went! The roads out of Portland were pretty good, but once we hit Woodburn you totally knew where all the retarded drivers were! We saw a jack knifed semi truck, a pick up down in the ditch..and Oh Yeah...How about the ass that thought speeding was OK and damn near took out the back end of my Dad's truck with the ass end of his truck? I'm pretty sure the damage points to his truck are pretty good considering he slid the entire length of a small bridge with the front driver's side. I thought for sure we were going to be crushed, but Dad's good in the snow!

It started to snow from Woodburn on, and stopped about 0600 this morning. And it just started a few minutes ago again. So we shall see how this week pans out.

Off to Oregon..

We are heading off to Oregon now...I just wanted to share some pictures of Squeaky opening his first present, and what the present was. It's a little Alphabet Caterpillar which is pretty cool in itself. Chase opened one that was a really cool Transformer's combination. I opened a cute one with Jack Frost Candle's in it! I was SO excited! *stop smiling*

I'm looking forward to our trip and a little vacation. I am hoping to spend a lot of time winding down and relaxing. Getting out of the house. Seeing old friends, meeting new ones.

And Honey, don't worry about me. I stand strong and we will be together soon.

RIP Grandma Bain.

Last night my Grand mother Ilene Bain went to join our Heavenly Father. I am a little disturbed right now because I have not had a good cry yet. I was not particularly close to her, and at risk of offending others am actually feeling relieved right now. Feeling relieved makes me also feel cold hearted to be honest. I have heard of her suffering and constant pain. I have seen her wither from the cute little pudgy Grandma into a skin and bones replica of nothingness. But what hurts the most is the pain my own Mother is in right now.

There is nothing I can say to her to make her feel better. Not a damn thing. She is hurting and I will be there soon to hug her. But this is a battle inside her she has to fight. She wants to cancel Christmas and within my sister and I's infinite wisdom we don't think that should happen. I can tell her that Grandma is not suffering anymore. I can tell her she doesn't have to worry anymore. I can tell her to look at all the positive that Grandma has done, and enjoy those memories. But I know nothing will help her because she is where I came from. And I have my own way to grieve.

Maybe that is why I am not grieving? Because I have been in the medical field for so long that I just don't feel the pain the same way other people do? Because I have seen the suffering for years and years, and I look at death as a savior for the loved ones? I remember having a conversation with my Mom about going to see Grandma Bain. I really, truly fought it to the core but she won. So we made the trip, we saw her..and I'm grateful she was in bed the whole time we were there. Because I really couldn't see how much weight she had lost. I wanted to remember the forgetful, busy Grandma that fussed and fussed over us when we would come to visit. And that's the Grandma I will always remember. The one with the spoiled rotten dogs who annoy the crap outta people.

So Mom, know that us girls love you with all our hearts. And that we want to celebrate Grandma's release from this earth. And celebrate her Memory. And have Christmas knowing she is looking down on us and watching pain free with a smile.

Wondering...

Have you ever had one of those moments where you just wonder? About everything? I'm wondering if the weather is going to allow us to make our trip. I'm wondering how I can chastise Chase about not using common sense and then use a hot glue gun on birthday candles? I'm wondering if Brookelyn will enjoy the picture I made for her. I am wondering if Jim is going to make it home soon. I am wondering where we will be stationed next? I am wondering if I will be able to start school as soon as we get to our next place. I am wondering if I will be able to devote my time to school and not have to worry about working? I am wondering if it is going to be a rough transition having Jim home again? For myself? For the boys? I am wondering what it will be like the first time I sleep in when he does get home. Will I freak out when I wake up thinking the boys have not been cared for because I was asleep? Or will I remember he is home and just have a nice, slow wake up? I am wondering if the my cat will be OK in an other's care while we are gone? I am wondering if our house will still be standing when we get home? I am wondering if I should up our renter's insurance while we are away? I am wondering if I will be able to survive two weeks in my Mother's house. I am wondering if my parent's can handle two weeks of a fussy baby? I am wondering why I can't figure out how to take the songs I don't want to listen to off my Ipod? I am wondering if I will be able to sleep the night before we are supposed to leave? I am wondering if I will be able to pull off the look that Santa stopped by? I am wondering if I will be able to leave the few close friends I have made here to go and make new ones. I am wondering if I should make my house sparkly clean before I leave? I am wondering if I will be able to accomplish my mental list of chores tonight before bed.

I am wondering too much.

Chari Smudge.

Chari Smudge is the name of the Monkey Chase made tonight at Build a Bear for my friend Matt. Matt went above and beyond for us tonight. He made a special trip to meet us at the Crystal Mall so he could take Chase Christmas Shopping for Squeaky and I. While we were there we made a special trip to Build a Bear so Chase could make some bears. He made the adorable turtle below for his little brother. That turtle's name is Swimmer and he's almost the same size as Squeaky himself.

Squeaky is just fascinated with the camera. Every time I tried to get a picture of him and the turtle together..He would stop everything and book towards it. And try to grab it. I would hide the camera, he would go on his merry way. And the *flash* and he would be on his way to me again. And oh dear..the faces this baby makes are precious!

He had a small case of turtle lap tonight. I tried to get some pictures of Chase and the dog he made himself but he simply stated *no camera's please Mommy.* So I left him be for tonight. We are going to head out with my Sister In Law tomorrow to a National Guard Christmas party. So that should take most of the day, and then I will have to stop at the super Wal-Mart in Lisbon for a few more things so I can finish up prepping for packing to go to Oregon. It's difficult to travel when you have a baby. There is soooo much crap you think you need, and then you don't. And let's not forget the crap you leave behind that all of a sudden you do need. Ugh. I'm happy I closed my factory. Hehehe. Even though I do make beautiful babies, they truly are a lot of work indeed.

So again, I really Thank You Matt for being such a wonderful friend to my family and I. It is not often you meet someone with a good heart and honest intentions that does not have a problem being brutally honest. Or keeping people in line. Or just showing someone they are worth the time and energy. You had made a friend for life with our family.

We Love Ya Trouble Maker!

Santa's here!!!

Most babies freak out when they see Santa for the first time. Both of my boys were absolutely amazed. They stared, and when it came time to leave would graciously accept their candy canes and cry after he was out of sight. We attended the DMAA Christmas Party last night and had lots of fun. Jenna, Jonah, Devin, Jessie, Bernie, Chase, Squeaky, Matt and myself all sat and had a great meal together. We then proceeded upstairs and listened to awards after the kids all got to tell Santa what they wanted for Christmas. It was a lot of fun, and I got to take some great pictures of friends.

That up there is Thing 1 and Thing 2. Jonah and Chase just kill me with laughter when they are together. And they are always together when they can be.

Just one of the pictures I took tonight of Squeaky. He looks soo much like his Father. It makes me miss him more and more.

Devin, Chase and Jonah moved FAST when it came time to line up and talk to Santa. Yes, they were within the first few kids to ruin Santa's pants. Oh, and did I mention Squeaky loves the taste of Peppermint Candy Canes? Yes, Thanks Matt. He was sucking on it like there was not tomorrow!

I am completely unsure of what Chase told Santa. But I do know that Santa gave him a big hug and Chase looked like he was in tears when he walked away.

Thanks Santa.

Purple Belt Baby!!

In lieu of Chase receiving his Purple Belt in Karate tonight, I am typing in Purple. He set himself 5 goals for this school year and was VERY proud to wipe earning his next belt off the list. I tried to get some good pictures, but it is difficult with a baby in tow. Special Thanks though to Jessie and Jessica for both assisting me with holding him!


This is Mr. Cummings speaking with Chase right before he received his belt and certificate from Master Cheezic.

This is Chase and Jonah sparring against each other. All those days of my babysitting him were spelled out in their rage last night. Pretty funny stuff!!

I'm very proud of him.

One more day..

And then Chase will be testing for his next belt in Karate. And the day after that is the DMAA Christmas Party. So it's going to be busy for the next few days indeed. I went today and got the boys both Christmas shirts to wear. Chase's is cute..I'll post a picture when we head off to the party.
The door handle on the car was fixed today. So now I don't have to reach into the back from the front on the passenger side anymore. It's a blessing because Squeaky is hard to maneuver in his Maggie Simpson outfit.

Hehehehe. I am also getting ready to get things packed so we can head to Oregon. It's been crazy busy here, and I keep thinking I'm going to forget something. I think I figured out a way to make it look like Santa visited also.

As you can tell, someone is in the Christmas spirit. I am, but I'm not at the same time. I'm going to see if the In Laws will take the boys for a few hours so I can get the car loaded up and then put all the Christmas Presents out so it looks like Santa visited. That way when we get home I will have kept my promise that Santa knows where we live. Nice thinking, huh Mom? Right now I am going to log off here and get some sleep. I have had a lot on my mind lately and I'm really tired now.

Little Update for all...

Hi there Everyone!
I just wanted to let you all know Squeaky went in for his 9 month well check today and got a HUGE thumbs up. On the 7th, he woke up with the switch turned on and started crawling. It was the most amazing thing to see. And he did it a lot more today as well. So he's getting the hang of it, and I'm moving things around again. Meanwhile, as I was telling his pediatrician that he has not even tried to sit up on his own from his tummy..Damned if he didn't do it right then and there! Yeah, he sat up all by himself. And we both just stared at him. And then I realized what he had done and started to clap, saying YAY!! I think I scared him because his face puckered up. At this time he is 29 inches long and weighs 20 pounds. He has 3 teeth in and 2 more popping through. Dr. Terry did give him a prescription for Flouride drops which I filled. Oddly enough though I found out today that our insurance rejected the flouride drops..Any ideas?

On Sunday I will also share that my big boy had his birthday party. Not only was it fun, but it was not nearly as stressful as I thought it was going to be. We invited a terrific group of kids, who have an even better group of parents! I was able to take pictures, and spend time with Chase because a lot of the parent's were busy loving up on Squeaky! And did he enjoy it? Oh heck yeah!! The pizza for the party arrived on time, the cake was really yummy, and Chase loved opening his presents..Rachel took some fantastic pictures with my camera for me. And it looked as though everyone really enjoyed themselves. Towards the end you could see some really pooped kids running around. And the parent's looked the same way.

But we all made it through, and we all laughed, and we all went home happy. Some of us more sugared up than others! Normally we would have just had a simple at home party with a small group of overnighters, but one of Chase's friends is allergic to cats. Which we learned when he threw up on my floor the last time he visited. Hehehe..It's ok..It was the linoleum one! Not to mention that Chase has really had a rough time this year with Jim being gone and his father being a horse's patoot so we mutually decided a party outside the home would be ideal this year.

So we did, and now there are tons of pictures for everyone to enjoy. Some pictures more than others! *wink*

8 years old...

Wow. Chase is 8 years old today. And all I can do is sit back and look at him wondering. How did he grow up so fast? Will he be strong mentally when he hits 16? Dear goodness...He is going to be driving in 8 more years. And then he will be out of the house in 10 more years. What is he going to be like as a young man? We shall see then. Because right now I am just enjoying him as he is. Goofiness and all.

Today we headed out to Karate, did some practice. Then off to George's for lunch. It's Chase's favorite place to eat here in Danielson. And I want to say Thank You to who ever it was that paid our bill. I couldn't tell you in the slightest who it was, but seriously, Thank You. You made us smile today, and the waitress got a great tip in the process.

And then off to Webster we headed where I found a place to order pizza from. $60.00 later I ordered 5 pizzas to be delivered for Chase's party tomorrow.

Who in the world?

Those are seriously some very handsome men in that picture. I know, I am married to one of them! That would be my husband with the wrestler John Cena! Now how cool is that? He saw a few others and made me laugh when he recommended that one of the females should always wear make up. *chuckle*

I am proud to share that Chase will be grading next Wednesday for his Karate School. I will let you all know how he does and what his new rank is. Things are looking like they are smoothing out a little bit finally.

Squeaky is growing like a weed. He is already wearing a lot of 18 month clothes which surprises me since he will only be 9 months tomorrow. Three teeth are in, and there are two more where those came from.

But right now I need to scoot..time to go watch the hot Doctor on Grey's Anatomy!

Amazement...

Recently I wrote a blog regarding Role Models. The person it was about was correct in stating I meant no harmful intentions with it. So with this, I wanted to post an apology regarding making them feel I was stating they were lazy. That was not at all what I meant. What I did mean was that some of the students are falling way behind for various reasoning's and maybe the extra time could be utilized to get them up to speed more. I know I personally can not afford to pay for extra lessons or I would be all over it. But with the continuing struggle of getting the correct medication adjustment for my oldest, he is falling behind as well. Not to mention dealing with a small variety of other issues such as my husband being deployed and a pretty much useless biological father. *It has been 17 days from this post since his father has called him.*

He is getting to a point with his Karate where he is getting discouraged because he can not concentrate and wants to leave the program. Which is truly sad because he started out so strongly and really does have a natural talent inside him. And I do work with him at home but can only do so much when I don't know the steps myself to make sure he is doing it correctly. I do attend every class and watch but the predominance of the time I am unable to see what he is doing because he is training at the far back of the classroom. So maybe he and a few of the other students can be saved?

Now MySpace and the blogs. This is what I do not understand. People write blogs for therapy. To get thoughts out. To share ideas. To share moments in life. To just write simply for killing time purposes. But do they really stop and look at what they are writing? It is true I do not know the lives of some of the people I read blogs on outside of what they write. And to be frankly honest I would enjoy getting to know some of these people. Everyone has a story in them. Everyone has something positive to share with society, but not all people know how to portray that gift. Most people are not even aware of the impact they have on others. Having stated that, when I read the many, many blogs this person had written there was a lot of things within these blogs that could easily have been misconstrued as extremely negative issues. And I can say that I am most definitely not the only person who may have ever read and thought what I did.

When I write it is to share openly my thoughts, feelings and life with the people who read this. I have nothing to hide. I have a really good life right now, but I won't lie when I say that it has not always been this way. I have learned many things over time, and my biggest lesson is that I am responsible for myself and my children only in this world. And because of this, I keep my eyes wide open. If I have tripped up, said or done something stupid, I address it right away now. It was not always that way. People who have known me for a very long time are nodding their heads at this moment saying Yes Indeed. But I am cautious as to what I write and share because I know I have several friends children on my MySpace page who are still at a very impressionable age. The very, very last thing I ever want to hear from one of my beloved friends is *Well, he/she learned that from your page*. I would fall apart should someone get hurt because of my negative actions.

So I may not write a lot on my blog, but when I do it is because something has deeply affected me and I need to get it out and let it be dealt with. Good or bad, it is reality. But I keep it in the back of my mind that whatever I write here is what others will read. And they will all have a different perception of what I am stating. And each person's opinion is their own. And gladly welcomed. I make take offense at what others will say, but it will be thought about and either accepted or disregarded. I will either learn from it or just move along.

But know that it will be read and acknowledged by myself. And all others who may read it. and if you don't want it to be read and judged, set it to private.

Yes, he can!

This is just proof my baby can sleep in any position, anywhere. He will tip his head back and be done with the moment. And I end up laughing hysterically. So here are a few pictures of Squeaky sleeping and of the Christmas Tree that Chase and I made to hang in the living room. That was sooo simple, and so fun at the same time! Enjoy~!

Holiday Birthdays...

The look of fear on Squeaky's face was from the elephants surrounding us. No, we did not make it on the Safari I was hoping for. But we did make it to Rainforest Cafe in East Hartford, CT for dinner the night before my birthday. Which also happened to be Thanksgiving. A special Thank You to Matt for making sure the boys and I got out of the house for just an evening. It was a lot of fun. I am planning a trip to the one in Boston for Chase's birthday as well. This would be 4 Rainforest Cafe's I have been to thus far. Tukwila, WA, Dallas, TX, San Francisco, CA and now the one here in CT. Each one a different experience with excellent service! YUMMY!!! If you have not been, I highly recommend it especially for families with children!

That wondrous piece of chocolate right there is called *The Volcano*! They yell throughout the entire place until they get to your table...so a few times a night during your dinner experience you will hear *VVVVVVVVVVOOOOOOLLLLLCCCCAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNOOOOOOO* Sometimes I wonder if they ever run out of breath? Or do they stand in front of the mirror and say this for as long as they can? I've heard practice makes perfect.


This is Chase at Grandma Fitzgerald's on Thanksgiving Day. He is eating a piece of cake that Aunty Heather brought for Mommy. He did wonderful today, he was pretty calm and collected and OMG I swear all he did was eat all day long! Non stop!!

This is a view from my seat of the cake that I had for my actual birthday. It was really sweet, and almost killed me, but I ate it!

Role Models

I never stopped until today to really look at what kind of a role model I am to my children. And then it hit me square in the face when I was reading several of my friends blogs about how drunk they were, how many birthday's they celebrated, how broke they are, how their lives completely sucked ass. And I realized, these are people that my oldest son looks up to.

I have always been extremely cautious about who I have let around my oldest son. He has had a really rough road regarding the male role models in his life. When his father and I split up, I really tried hard to make sure he had that bond with him. But his father has, and continues to fail to be a very positive role model to his son. He calls when it is convenient, he calls when he does not have a girlfriend or someone he is trying to impress, or when he knows I would be unable to answer the phone because our son is in class or school. So he calls about every 8 to 10 weeks. And I hate it, but I can not do anything about it.

I had a few gentlemen I dated after he and I split. One never met my son, the other one did and hurt his feelings really badly. So I became extremely guarded against allowing people around him after that. And then I met Jim. Jim is an excellent Role Model with the exception of being deployed. He calls weekly and talks to him. He sends emails, cards..reminds him that he is loved. And my son knows this.

But there are the outside role models. I chose to enter my son into Karate because of all the fantastic advantages that would be available to him. And he did terrific in the beginning. But he is noticing there are certain students that are favorites. He knows which instructors he can turn to for extra help. But he notices attitudes the most. And I as his Mother can see what he is seeing. But I see it in a different light.

I see the blogs, I see the comments. I see the wish for change, but not the actions. I see the constant boredom, but not the positive use of the spare time. I see the reaching out for attention, but the negative actions that happen instead.
You want that change, you need to make it. But you can not make it halfway. You need to step up and make it all the way. I am in no way perfect, but I have been where you are now. And I have worked hard to be out of that rut myself. And I work hard everyday to stay out of it, because I need to be a strong role model for my children. And you should be a strong role model yourself, because other people's children look up to you constantly. Young ones, teen ones, even adults look to you for guidance.

Look around at the people who look up to you. And know there are parents who see you as well. But parent's are more critical than the children. You can do no wrong in their eyes, but we see the cracks and flaws. We see the inconsistencies. We see the continuous drunken nights at the bar and the complaints of the hangovers. But no work? And the arguments of boredom?

Take those children who are around you and mold them. Guide them. Take all this free time you have and bring those troubled students up from where they are. Lead them out of the goodness of your heart and the compelling want to see them succeed. Motivate them to move up higher in the world and the ranks.

Give them a strong and impressive role model so they can be role models themselves.

Mom...look what I found!

There was a rather entertaining look on Squeaky's face today when he reached down and found a play toy. He also figured out really fast that you can not pull on that same play toy. That it actually hurts when you do yank. So much to my amusement, I just allowed him to check out his goods. I guess the most humorous part was the fact that he has a big baby belly that blocks his view of below, so it was like watching a blind man reading braille..just learning as you go.

I had this huge blog planned out today, but I have some thinking as to how to word things. I have stuff running through my head that I need to deal with, but it is better for me to think it out than to just start writing.

For right now, I think an early bedtime for all is a grand idea.

Mom..It looks easy!

See this mischievous smile on the midget? Yes, that would be from his mother's side. Chasers decided he was going to help me get Squeaky ready for a bath tonight. I will tell you what! They had me laughing so hard by the time they were done I needed a hot shower myself. To relax the tummy muscles from laughing so darn hard!

It took him forever to finally get Squeaky undressed. But Mom, you make it look soooo easy is the main sentence I heard. Amongst, Stop Wiggling! Sit Still! Mom, how do I get this off?
That look right there..That one on Squeaky's face? That's the one I claim. I swear to you, this little feat of trying to undress and dress the baby had me laughing to death! After about 30 flip overs and kicks, Chasers did manage to get him dressed after his bath.

WHEW! I'm ready for bed now Mom! So now off we go to bed! Night all.

School Pictures

Now seriously, how cute is he? These are his toothless school pictures that I received yesterday. He said to me that he looks *dorky*, but I assured him he did not. Squeaky's been pretty grouchy the last few nights as he has two top teeth coming in as well. I have been less than enthusiastic about my pending birthday. And speaking of that..my son graciously announced to the Karate School this evening that my birthday is on Thanksgiving. And what do I hear from Jerry? "Get her out here and the black belts can give her a birthday wish!" Yeah..not going to happen in my lifetime.

All the invitations are out for Chase's party. And thus far we have had two RSVP's. So out of 20 children, or 13 invitations, we have had 5 children with a definite * I will be there* going on! So now I work on Pizza and Cake. Oh, I better start looking at cakes! Do I get a medium sized one and hope people eat the heck outta it? And should I make goody bags? I'm thinking the golf will be plenty. Also, there are small gifts included with the party I am paying for. Hmmmm...So much to think about here. I'm just looking forward to putting Squeaky in his walker and setting him loose. Think people will golf around him? *chuckle*

OK, it is Grey's Anatomy night so I'm heading upstairs..*Toodles*

Right around the corner..

Christmas is here almost already. I'm working hard to get past my birthday. Which is Thanksgiving day. Thanks Mom. Today I did my *bad Mommy* class and I'm ready for it to be over. I am learning a lot, and how to deal with things that my son throws at me. Some days he is really good. Other days he is a PITA! But I am coping, and my husband will be home soon.

I started working on the invitations for Chase's party. He and I both are looking forward to this event. As well my heading out for my birthday. That's a week from tomorrow. And lord knows, I need a night out to let loose. I think I deserve it.

Tonight will be bed, early. All of us are tired, all of us are grouchy. Even midget.

We are soooo close...

To the end of this deployment. Jim will finally be in Germany Januaryish. At least he will be on safe ground finally. Then his re-integration at my request. He has had issues with PTSD in the past, so I won't let him waive to come home right away. I want to make sure he has his wits about him. And that he better knows how to cope with things. He said he did last time, but that is why we ended up in counseling. To help him understand what he had been through and how to better deal with it. He has come a long way, and I'm proud of him.

We still have no clue where we are going. Such is the life in the Army though. Probably going to end up in Finland or something messed up like that..*giggle*

I picked up the invitations today for Chase's birthday party. Cute little monkey ones. Now I have to get them all written out and I'm debating on whether I should put a note in there. Obviously I should post directions, but what about siblings and parents? Parents get to golf for free, and I would hope that they don't just drop them off and leave. And I am including siblings in the invitation. I just need a head count for pizza and cake is all. So some thinking needs to go into the enclosure listing. Here I go thinking again, and right before bed none the less.

The boys are doing well. I'm trying to figure out why Squeaky keeps waking up in the middle of the night. He can't be hungry because he eats right before bed. The only thing I can think of is the cat keeps waking him. I should close the baby's door at night to his room, but I hate closed doors in my house. I just feel unsafe, not to mention I am afraid I won't hear him if he cries in the night. I sleep so soundly sometimes that it bothers me. I can't wait until Jim gets home. He sleeps all kinds of weird hours so I know he will take some of the burden off myself.

Speaking of burden..I'm going to bed. The day just snuck up on me.

Oh Mom!

That's what I have heard soooooo many times in the last few days. Chase's fundraiser stuff came in the other day, and so to teach him how far politeness goes I have him doing a chore. I have him writing each person a thank you note for purchasing candles. And he is hating it. It's only 14 people but it's a TON MOM!! So about 3 cards a night until they are done. He's a trooper!

The last few days have gone by uneventful. Thanks to Sean who so bravely chewed that jerk out. I have heard nothing from him, and it's nice.

I recorded Squeaky some more walking in his little walker. He's getting pretty adept at it. Right now he wants his Mommy's attention though. So I am off to torture my sons a little more!

I am fat.

And I admit it. But I am beautiful. I don't need a man that I dumped over 15 years ago to point out that I am obese. I don't need him to tell me that I need to go on a diet and surprise my husband with a major weight loss. I definitely don't need him to tell me that my husband is unhappy with how I look.

Because I looked this way when he met me. And I looked this way when I got pregnant. And I look this way after I had our beautiful son. Because I am beautiful.

I'm not thin. I like my food. But I have a strong backbone, a gorgeous smile, a husband that loves me for WHO I am, not how I look. I have a home. Two attractive, well adjusted children. I have a life. I have a future.

Yes, I could stand to lose about 20 pounds. But why? So I can make other's around me more comfortable looking at me? Nah. Because I am fine just the way I am. And if someone chooses not to talk to me because I am *too fat* for them..Well, it's their loss..Not Mine.

And who said this to me?

A man that I dated 15 years ago. Who I moved clear to California with. Who, when I went to visit family, cheated on me. And when he was caught, chose to throw me out with my stuff into the street. Leaving me to move into a school friend's parent's house. Where I stayed for a week until he decided to bring me back to my parents home in Oregon. And disappeared.

And let's go on..Who found me on Classmates.com about 5 years ago. And we made amends, restored our friendship after apologies were made. A friendship from a distance so no boundaries were crossed. Who decided to visit my children and I while I was in Oregon over the summer. Who spent time with my children, Mother and myself for a day and then left.

Oh, and there's more. Who decided to text me a week later and tell me how disappointed he was that he traveled that far to visit and did not even get laid. Well, you did not get laid because I am married. And I am not you. I don't cheat. I don't lie. I don't use people. I am not manipulative. I avoid people like you. And had I known that you would be like this, damn skippy your ass would have stayed as an ignored email.

So now, several months later your going to text harass me because I told you to go away? Well, text away. Because you will be ignored. Oh, and feel free to email my husband as you threatened to tell him we supposedly slept together. Because he knows me much better than that. He knows that I wouldn't put my children through that. He knows he can ask my Mother about it.

And if you can get all those petite, gorgeous women..Please..Go waste their time.

I'm busy cleaning out my closet.

Fast forward already?

Three days have passed since I last wrote. And it's been a whirlwind of activity. So much that I literally fall asleep as soon as I hit the bed.

Squeaky has been waking up in the early mornings lately. I'm unsure why, but have been feeding him cereal before bed to see if this will alleviate the problem. I have noticed that we are down to just a few bottles a day now. He is having rice cereal with juice about 2 to 3 times a day, with a vegetable or fruit as well. I'm also working on dry toast, crackers and cheerios. He's doing pretty well already. Loves to play with the spoon and bowl when we are done, but I don't do that too much since his high chair is in the living room *as is our kitchen table due to space constrictions* and on the carpet. But we will keep going.

He has also figured out forward in his little walker. He stands, looks a tad bit like a drunken sailor..but is moving himself along well. As well as a drunken sailor anyway. Yesterday it was rather humorous. He got himself wedged in the hallway while trying to turn around. It looked like a scene out of the Austin Powers movie with the golf cart. Chasers was giggling so hard I thought he was going to pop!

Chase's parent/teacher meeting was combined with a 504 plan meeting on Monday. It went really well. As you all know he has not been on medication until recently. Well, I am pleased to report his teacher was sad to give me the progress report she has for me. She made it very clear this report was made PREVIOUS to his being on medication and that he is doing a LOT better in class now. We just need to get the writing prompts working out better. She has given me ideas on how to jump start him at home. So we will be working on getting things from his head onto his paper now.

Veteran's Day was bittersweet without my husband there. But to distract myself from that point in fact, I had my friend's son with us for the day while she worked. So off we all trotted to a place called Monster Golf over in Webster Mass. I added a couple of pictures above for your entertainment purposes. This entire place is done in glow in the dark paint, and frankly, it's pretty damn cool. Squeaky was a little unsure, but fascinated at the same time. Even the balls were glow in the dark pink, orange and green. I thought it was pretty fun. Chase wants his birthday party there also. So arrangements are in the works right now. We shall see.

And speaking of birthday presents, Jim sent me a couple of gifts. He instructed me to open one of the boxes, so I had Chasers pick one for me. Well, as it turns out..I received a large bottle of Eternity Moment perfume. And I really, truly wanted that. And I love it. Now I am waiting and wondering what is in the other box. But my birthday is only a few weeks away so I can just sit and wonder.

Right now I notice that it is 8 pm my time, so I'm going to scoot and get Chasers tucked into bed. I'm sure he's pretty tired as he has been on the go all day.

Triggers.

Today was not my best day at all.

It started with an argument on the computer with my husband leading into the oldest kicking a pillow that hit the youngest in the face. Now the pillow is not what hurt him, it was his hitting the floor face first that did it. And of course, he won't have any problems cutting the top teeth in. No major swelling and the crying went away with some Orajel. But he did chew pretty funny for a little while.

Then, I started cleaning the house which is my usual Sunday ritual. Did not matter. I swear Chasers followed me around and made messes all the way behind me. I gave up. I actually gave up on cleaning my house. I am going to end up getting a carpet cleaner before this stupid deployment is over.

Hubby called me a little later in the day and we had a good talk. Ended the conversation well, only to check my email and be barraged with questions about who is who on my page? I added a few new people onto MySpace, he has added a ton of them for his gaming..Who is he to question my choices? I think it is pretty even right now. We shall see how this pans out.

Get that dealt with and made it through the day. Got the boys both fed, bathed and into bed fairly well. Worked a little on some cleaning and said forget it. So here I am sitting in front of the computer.

Now, I recently reconnected with a friend from my middle school years. He has turned into a wonderful father, is now divorced and has made something serious of a future for himself. We were never very close in school, mostly acquaintances. But we always managed to keep a friendship over the years.

I am thrilled to be talking to him again and can see we have both grown over the years. But as with the time that has passed, we really know nothing about each other's past 15 or so years. So how can he know if he said something that triggered my anger response?

How can he possibly know of the years of therapy I have sought out to deal with my ex spouse's idiocy? How can he know that younger, more attractive women are a trigger of anger because of all the hateful things that my ex has said? He can't know. Unless I explain it to him. And the comment he made was I'm positive a joke, but for whatever reason I took it the wrong way.

And as hard as I try to make sure my ex spouse does not affect my life as he used to, sometimes I guess he is just sneakier than I honestly thought.

I'm sorry.

Adjustments...

I am slowly adjusting to the thought of the new President Elect. Like everything in my life I will try it. And if I enjoy it, cool. If not, I will be joining my friends in Canada. Yes, I said Canada. I have even heard Mexico. I better learn to home school if that be the case. Again, no matter what I say or do..it will happen. And it will happen fast.

The boys are killing me with laughter! Squeaky has taught himself to sit up in his swing now. Then he rocks back and forth getting the metal to clink on each side. And to go faster! It's funny, but I will say maybe it is time to get rid of the swing.

Chase is such a good big brother! He's so very attentive to midget, but he has his moments. Today he thought it would be cute to let go of Squeaky while he was standing. So Squeaky stood alone for two seconds and then...SPLAT! Right onto his poor little face. But he's OK, and Chase is OK *after a short bout of crying from being upset*. And they will move on.

I'm off here to go tend to the boys. Nap time is a blessed time for my household...lol

How do I feel?

Well, how do I feel about the new President Elect? I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm unsettled. I am unsure of the next four years.

I did my research and I am still not positive this is who should be running the country. I am scared for my Husband's career and where that will possibly end up. He is not a big supporter of the Military. And that means millions of other families including my own may suffer from anything this man puts out there or on paper.

His politics on taxes has me nervous. The only thing I foresee as positive is that I will be going to college for about three years after my husband gets home from Iraq. So once I graduate and start working I plan to go into either ER, Correctional or Travel Nursing and all three of those lead to the direction of approximately $72,000 a year. Easily. And with the field my husband plans to go into after he gets out of the Army, we can add about another $50,000 to that. And *poof* There is that magical tax bracket! I have heard some people say that he is only looking at big industry to tax. I have heard others say $250,000 and higher. But what I have read on snopes.com and various other places is those who work will pay. And pay dearly. And that scares me. Why would I work so hard to get somewhere to have to pay because I rose above?

I am unsettled because I just don't know where this will all end up. I can handle change. Especially being an Army Wife. I get change more than I get schedule. I cope. It's my life. But it's scary. Very scary to think I have absolutely no idea what in the world is going to happen to my children, husband and mine's futures. And that bothers me immensely.

My mother has always taught me to fight for what I believe is right. And so this is where my fight will strongly begin. For my children's futures. For my husband's uphill career. For my career should something happen to him.

For our lives.

A new President.

And Chase is not happy at all. Mom, everyone is going to lose their jobs now. My house is sparkling clean because I am unsure how to handle this. I'm still thinking it through. There is not a thing I can do about his becoming president. I voted, I did my part. We shall see how things go in the future with him. I'm putting my thoughts together and will have more tomorrow for everyone.

Will this day end?

No school today. Election Day. And I even sit now and refresh my browser every 5 minutes to keep track. I'm talking to my friend Tonia who is busily doing her daughter's homework..commenting on how blue her state map is looking. It's that time of year when we are looking for that new President. That person who is going to lead us to the new world. This person is going to get us out of the *recession*. This person will fix our health care crisis. This person will either make or break our Soldiers and their families. Either way, this person will lead the country.

But our day started out VERY early. 0630 to be exact. Both boys decided that is what time they were going to get me out of bed. So I did, up and out of bed I went. Showered, straightened up the house, boys dressed and out the door we went to tackle the day. Which started with breakfast at George's. Good, healthy and filling breakfast in us and off we went to conquer the polls. Which I did! I got in there and I voted for McCain/Palin. And I said a little prayer while I cast my ballot. This is the very first time I have ever voted and I feel very proud. Very, Very proud.

That tackled, it was off to *bad mommy class* as my wonderful friend Matt put it. As I cast out the bad people in my life, it makes room for the classier and more positive ones. Thanks Matt for being a great friend and so supportive of this Army Wife. It is very much appreciated. So into class I went, and into daycare right next door for my boys. We all survived the separation and at 12 we headed out the door and off to get the car fixed.

I had received a notice in the mail for an auto recall on some parts for the Avenger. So I get in there to have it fixed and she informs me there are 3 recalls, not just one. It should take about 2 hours Mrs. Kelley. I need to be out of here by 1445. We were out within the hour. Disch Auto in Moosup is very efficient! So out the door we head to our next thing.

We have an hour to kill so we headed over to Michael's Arts and Crafts. Bought a couple of things to scrapbook with. Even got Chase some stuff to scrapbook a page for himself with. He chose a pirate motif so we shall see how it goes. Or if he gets bored with it. I doubt he will. He really thought out the stickers and page he wanted. And then off we went to our last thing for the day..

Chase's counseling appointment. Which went OK. He was a little upset when he left but we handled it together. He is mad at his father for not talking to him. For not being a good dad. Not Jim, the other one. It broke my heart that he is realizing all that is going on around him now. Or maybe he has known for a long time and just recently chosen to let it out. Either way, I will be here to help him through it.

So now I sit in front of the computer, writing my blog and watching the polls change. And change some more, and one more change here and there. And I note how close the numbers are. And I pray that a good person will take over the White House.

Mom..are you voting?

Yes, honey. I registered to vote. Well, that's good Mom, but don't vote for the brown guy.

I was a little caught off guard when my 7 year old said that as I picked him up from school today.

Why? I had to find out the reasoning's behind this commentary. Well Mom, he doesn't put his hand on his heart when it is time to say the Pledge of Allegiance or The Star Spangled Banner plays. So he's not a real American Mom.

Tears welled up in my eyes, but I turned away so he wouldn't see them. You see, when we were stationed in Germany whenever the sun rose in the morning they would play Revelry..and when it sunk low in the evening they would play Retreat and To the Colors. And everything outside would stop for that moment as though frozen in time. Cars would pull over and people would get out. Conversations would stop. And we would all face the flag. Children and adults alike would stop everything and admire our Great American Flag. And we would be proud. And salute.

Even in the movies we would all stand and put our hand over our heart in pride to The Star Spangled Banner. When Chase and I came stateside and went to a normal theatre we both felt stupid when we stood right before the movie started. We were so used to paying homage that even now over a year later we still try to stand.

And every morning Chase and I still say The Pledge of Allegiance to our little flag in the house. Because that tradition should never die in a true American.

Now, on another note. Squeaky has gotten over his rashes. Come to find out he had a mild reaction to the flu shot he had received last Monday. I had my Dr take a peek at him while we were getting my flu shot on Saturday. So he has been getting some small dosages of Benadryl to relieve the hives and itchies. And did I mention this boy just loves his bath times? I finally was able to get him to sit on his buttocks in the bath tub. I kid you not, he splashed for 20 minutes straight until the water started to turn cold. And then he was angry as heck because I had to take him out. I put some pictures down below for your entertainment.

Right now it's time to head off to Karate..One more quick note..Karate ended early today because the laundromat 2 doors down caught on fire. All got out OK, and just a few patrons of the laundromat had smoke inhalation issues. Per usual, Chase is absolutely wired now..Ugh.

Halloween!

We had soooo much fun yesterday! I got the boys dressed up and we headed over to George's for a little dinner. This is a tiny diner where all the waitstaff love to see Chase and Squeaky! We had something to eat, and then off to Grandma's house! Big Trick or Treat gifts there! Chase got Ironman and Squeaky some teething rings...:) Out and around the neighborhood for some trick or treats. And then off to our neighborhood for some more trick or treats. Oh, and then Aunt Heather called..They only had 2 treaters so off we went to Aunties house. Where Chase got more than he needed of candy.

Home to the nice warm house. I can't say anything bad, the weather was a little warm. No wind. No rain. No snow. Just perfect for trick or treaters to enjoy! In went Ironman, and off to sleep went the boys. Nothing like a really good movie to put you to sleep!

Today, I have to head out and get my flu shot. Then sports and off to do some final Christmas shopping stuff while Auntie Heather takes the boys to a Midget game or something. So away I go!

An Award?

Yes, an award. That would be what Chase brought home today. He recently did a Yankee Candle fundraiser and for only have 9 days to do it, the child raised $530.00. I was very proud of his effort and it felt really good to see how happy he was today when I picked him up. He said in a pretty loud voice..*I got an award today Mom*. I asked him what for, and he said..*selling candles*. He was so calm, but you could see the excitement in his eyes.

What was his award for? He was the second highest seller in the second grade section of the fundraiser. Apparently he missed first highest by $10.00. But he did a great job and I am very, very proud of him.

Next bit of good news is that his teacher is noticing a positive difference in him in the mornings. So this means to me that the medication is starting to work. And I am so far, knock on wood, not seeing any negative side effects. This is good. Very good.

I haven't..

Been writing for awhile because I have been going through a flurry of emotions lately. Everything from depression to excitement. Aunt Flow is partially to blame, but most of it is just from seeing all that is happening around me.

I worry about my friends. I worry about my husband. I worry about my children. I worry about my family. I worry in general. And there is nothing I can do about it.

So sometimes I just sit back and I watch as live unravels over there, and a nice tight knit is made on the other side. I have watched a friend of ours go through an awful divorce only to turn around within the same week and marry someone else.

I am watching another friend go through the throes of dating, when she really just does not want to be. I see another friend who wants to be dating, married, having children..but her walls are too high for even Superman to get over. And then there is the other person who is pregnant with some man's child and thinks that my ex is going to step up and be a father to this baby. He has a child he is not even a father to unless it is convenient. Why in goodness graciousness would she even seriously think he is going to accept a child that is not his and take care of it? There was a reason why he got fixed in the first place. He did not want any other children.

And then there are the emotions of loneliness. I miss my husband. I miss having people over to my house all the time. I miss making the pots of ribs for my husbands friends on Friday nights. I miss having him stare at me in his sleep. I miss nudging him because he is snoring. And while I work my tail off to keep busy knowing it will make the day go by faster, it is just not the same.

I also wonder how I become the bad guy in situations. There is a man in my life that I dated over 15 years ago. We have managed to be friends since then. Our relationship was more than rocky, and we had large spaces here and there where we did not talk. Not long ago, he did a drunk dial and we had a really good talk. A really really good talk. And I thought we got some stuff seriously ironed out. But now he won't talk to me anymore about anything. And I sit and wonder what I did wrong? What did I do wrong? And my epiphany..It was not me. He is dealing with something that he is not strong enough to handle. So I can either sit and wait until we are old and he talks to me again, or I can walk away with my sanity in tact.

And I seem to be doing a lot of walking away. Which is strange because I have always been the strong one. The fighter. The go the distance girl. But now, I am too tired to stand and tackle the issues at hand. Not all of them, just the meaningless ones. The stupid tasks. Like, why is he not talking to me tasks? Why do I care about the drama tasks? Why are you bludgeoning me with stupidity tasks.

So I will slowly be walking away. And if I don't want to deal with it, I will tell them. And they will get mad. And then not talk to me. And then I will worry. Because that is who I am.

Ugh..Not again..

I started a positive parenting class yesterday. Hence why I did not write. Because I am still sorting things outs. You see, according to them I am doing everything wrong. And even so, there are women in there who are attending for the third time. I would like to think I am a better parent than this, but I'm feeling very lost and saddened right now. This week my homework is to ignore misbehavior's, not make negative comments or yell at him, and to ONLY make comments on the good stuff he does. I am sucking at this really badly right now. I would love to make comments on the good stuff, but right now the only things he is doing is negative. And if he is doing positive, it is when I'm not seeing it.

He did lose his second tooth on the top last night as well. I am hoping this is the last one for awhile because the tooth fairy is starting to go broke. And I am learning it is very difficult to sneak into a child's room when everything in this stupid house creaks.

When I went to pick Chase up yesterday from school I learned of a code system they have in place. While I was in the office talking to Mr. Rioux they had to call a *soft yellow*. I finished up my business and then headed outside with the rest of the parents. On the way out, I asked a teacher what exactly a soft yellow was. She said that they had to call an ambulance for a student and it was an indication to the teachers things would be running behind for departure from the school. I also noticed teachers closing the blinds to the windows facing the front of the school where the ambulance would arrive. They announced bus departures through the back side of the school as well.

When the ambulance arrived, there were no lights and sirens. It was a very quiet arrival, load up of the child and departure. It was calm. Most of the children who arrived for parent pick up did not even know what had happened until the parents told them. Chase is, of course, oblivious. He tends to worry too much about people.

I started him on his new medicine today. There was no effect taken as it was a really tiny dosage. In a few days I will up the dosage as his Dr. has requested. I'll keep you all posted on this one.