Choices...

Sometimes, as a parent, we have to make the difficult choices whether we like it or not. Sometimes we have to say, enough is enough, and walk forward with our heads high. Things have developed where I must make my children safe, and not worry about who it hurts. Wording can be the biggest problem, but clear communication can be the water that washes the salt out of the wound. It ran across my mind today that I was raised to be someone who can stand the the tests of time as they are thrown at me; however, I am also now the person that isn't liked because I can stand up and be bluntly honest. My life has not been simple. I have hurdled obstables that have both been thrown in my path, and obstacles I have created. Those obstacles may have not been intentional, or strongly on purpose, but I climbed those hurdles and I have stood through trials and tribulations that no one else can claim. I have created the spark that burnt many bridges over time, and I have chopped down and prepared the trees that rebuilt those bridges as well. Some obstacles I have tried to fix, but learned that they were lost causes so I chose a different path to follow. Some obstacles hurt me to change the direction on, but I know I need to make those steps happen because it is not just my path I am taking. There are two boys who are watching my direction, making thought processes from what I show them, what I say to them, what they hear around them. I don't shelter my sons, but I will do what I feel is best to protect them. They know right from wrong, but sometimes mistakes are made..pressure is pushed. We are all given different hands at birth, each situation is different. I would like to think that I am compassionate, but I am not the Mother who will teach my children about drugs by taking them into a drug house and saying "check it out." If I know a person has an active drug problem, I won't be around them, nor will my children. However, I will support someone's recovery and hope they are willing to teach my children from thier mistakes. Life is what you make of it. I heard the saying "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade" but sometimes it takes awhile to get all the ingredients into place. Sometimes, you watch the downfall for so long, that you know better than to put your foot in the water because you could get sucked in as well. I would rather sit from the far sidelines and watch everything unravel, than willingly put my family into the undertow.

Crossroads...

Sometimes, as a person, I just don't know what I want. Now, I know that is no different than any other person in this world but it affects me in a strong way. I love being a stay-at-home, being here when the boys and my husband need me..but I also need to make money and provide for the house financially. I really don't want to do anything fancy, and nothing that will take me away from my family. I prefer to work the hours the boys are in school, but I won't lie when I say that working at the preschool was tough work because my parenting skills were challenged on a daily basis. Maybe if I were to work with older children, that would be better? I am looking into 911 operator positions, but it looks as though it would be 12 on, and 12 off. That would interfere with the boys. So something simple, and mindless if the direction I may end up going. I am the wife of a soldier, and I know that if I go to college to get any type of degree it may be a career compromised. So now, I sit and ponder. I need to finish my degree and be done with that. But what do I do?

The Story...

I recently heard this song..and tears came to my eyes. I have told my loving, wonderful husband many times that I have crossed the heavens and earth to be with him..I love you Jack, and I thank you everyday for coming into my life. You are my heaven, my stars, my love, and my life. Thank you.

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

A new beginning...

That would be my new husband, Jack, and my two boys, Chase and Sebastian. So many things have changed since I last wrote, and many more will continue to change after I have written. I met Jack 2 years ago in a very dark part of both our lives. How we met is unimportant, but what is important is the amazing rush of emotions I felt the second I saw him. We spent an amazing weekend together, and I made a wonderful friend at that point in time. Things happened that split us apart for awhile, but we spoke again and it was as though we had never left each others sights at all. We started over on December 24th, 2011 and were married on April 7th, 2012. I have my best friend, my heart, my lover, my world in him. We have had small misunderstandings but always seem to talk it out. The boys think he is amazing and they both flock to him the second he walks in the door from work. My Mother and Father love him, and have both welcomed him into thier lives completely. Jack is military as well, and working on his promotion as we speak. I have my match in hand finally, and I'm thrilled I can say that. I have looked for years to find this man, my truest of all matches and he is here finally. In both my heart, and my soul.

Now, we have each other and we can move forward with our lives. We are both filling something in each other that has been missing for years. I see the boys and I's futures in his hands, and I look forward to what we can accomplish together.

I love you Jack.

Time changes things..

Everything seems to move so fast, and then next time you look up it's several months beyond what you thought. That is how my life seems to be moving all of a sudden. Sebastian turned 4 a few days ago, and it has finally hit me. Next year, my youngest will be going to school. Chase is doing well in school, and although there are a few issues here and there..he is a good boy and I am blessed to be his mother. I'm dating a wonderful man that has amazed me in so many ways, and I am hoping that it goes somewhere between us. This is about to become my therapy again, so I will be sitting down and writing as much as possible to clear my mind.

Time flies..

When your having fun. At least thats what I keep hearing. I wonder often though where my fun is. Between school, work, and my boys..time to breath is an option to say the least. I seem to have lost who I am as a woman. My identity as a Mother, Wife and lover. I am barely home lately because of my requirements at school and work. My children seem to be with child care providers more than myself, and that breaks my heart everyday. I have always, always prided myself on how I am there for my boys. How I am the one they can rely on, and how I can always be there to pick them up from school/daycare. I hate that I can't be there to cook them home cooked meals except every other night. I dislike that if they need to talk to me, it is on the phone. And yet, I push forward everyday: exhausted, stressed, and multiple other physical and emotional sittings in play. My youngest sons regular schedule is all out of whack because I don't seem to have regular hours, and it's affecting him in a multitude of ways. My oldest is out at his father's right now, but is eager to get back home. I can only hope to offer him as much time as I can spare also. I continuously tell myself it's only for a little bit longer, but there are times when I wonder just who I am trying to kid.

So I will continue to push forward, I will pray that I pass all my classes, and I will dedicate to getting into the role I have worked so hard to find. Also, I will find my stride again with being a Mother because even though I have lost my magic touch, my children still love me and still want to be with me. That is what counts, right?

Day 20 and counting...

I have been all over this town non-stop collecting evidence to prove I am not a bad mother. I have worked so hard the last 10 years to make sure my son was safe, healthy, and knew he could love who he wanted..and yet he was still ripped from my arms. It is basically legalized kidnapping I am dealing with, but it makes it no easier. As if things are not any harder to deal with, I think I have an ear infection pending. Tonight, I am drained. Mentally, and physically. I don't understand why the physically, but I know the mentally. I'm going to start getting to the gym starting tomorrow night, because I need to both shed some weight and exercise to relieve some of the stress I am feeling. Not having Chase with me is really taking its toll.