2.5 days and counting...

So, the last few days have absolutely flown by and I'm really trying to accomplish too much at once. Chances are that I very well may need the time in the hospital to catch up on my sleep. I'm trying to keep myself calm as well, but I'm slowly becoming a huge bundle of nerves. With my hysterectomy, there were some issues that caused me to lose a lot of blood. I'm not expecting this to happen again, but you never know what could happen otherwise.

Today though, my main goal was to make sure my husband has a complete power of attorney, and a medical power of attorney as well. I don't expect anything to happen, but just in case I want to make sure he has what he needs to handle things. My biggest worry right now if something happens to me is "what will happen to the boys". I know that they would be forced to go back to their father's homes, but would they be allowed to see Jack ever again? I have life insurance set up also, but I set Jack as the primary beneficiary and the boys as secondary with instructions to set up financial trusts so that their fathers can not get their hands on the money. I also sat down with Jack and he knows what I want the boys to have from me, and after they turn 18 and are away from home.

It is really sad that I feel I have to do that, but hey..life goes on, right? As for Jack, he is being so strong for me, but I know inside he is freaking out. It will all be over soon and I will have life by the horns doll!! I promise! Now, it's just a matter of a few more appointments to keep my mind off things and repacking my weekend bag about 3 more times. Ok, 6..but who is counting?

Weight Loss Adventures...

That, my friends, is a very recent picture of myself. Sadly, I can't use the phrase "does this gun make my butt look big", well, because, my butt is big. So is my Diabetes, my heart problems, my lethargy and even more so, my depression. I stand at a whopping 5'6" tall (which makes me feel like a giant compared to all the little Asian women at work whom I absolutely tower over), and weigh in at 210 lbs. I know your thinking that I am not that big, and you might be right considering how the average American looks these days. HOWEVER, I have always been healthy up until 6 months ago. I was larger, yes, but I was issue free otherwise.

How did I start this adventure? Well, I eat healthy, limit my red meats, lots of fruit and vegetables, the very occasional alcoholic beverage, low salt intake, but I noted that I was feeling really crappy so off to Dr. Mumtaz I went. I have a significant history of cancer in my family, one of them being thyroid (my mom had hers removed right about this time frame in her life), diabetes, heart problems and other issues, so Jack and I decided to have it checked out for safety. We tested my hormone levels, my blood sugar (fasting), and my thyroid. The results? "You are epically diabetic Mrs. Earley" was the response Dr. Mumtaz gave me. Not, you have a little touch of the diabetes, or there is a problem with your blood sugar, this woman had to toss the term "Epically" in there. My A1c? 7.99 Yes, my fasting blood sugar for 12 hours was a wonderful 199. 

That wasn't the shocker though, it was when she said "You are at a 35% BMI Ms. Earley, you qualify for weight loss surgery...did you know that?" No, I didn't. And I also didn't know I could cry in public like that either.

So off to multiple dieticians and nutritionists I went, and with the changes implemented through all of them I dropped my A1c in 3 months to a "normal" level of 6.0! Apparently, that is quite a feat because my Dr was absolutely thrilled with me!! My average blood sugar is now about a 130, and I managed to drop about 8 lbs. YAY!! 8 lbs, but I am still at a high risk, obesity level. At first, I was absolutely abhorred that I could possibly be a candidate for weight loss surgery! Then, I started to do the research, and I am not one of those people that looks on Wikipedia and says...Oh, ok. No, I followed a few friends who had RnY done, another who had a Gastric Sleeve, and a DS surgery as well. I read forum after forum about before prepping, how to handle things during your short hospital stay, but most importantly; things that can possibly go wrong and how to handle them. I followed the awesome results, and I followed the not-so-awesome results as well. I kept all this knowledge between Jack and I though, at least until I knew for sure if it was really an option I could handle both physically and mentally.

Now, I mentioned Jack above and I should share with you a little bit. He is also twice divorced, and both of his ex's had RnY's done. The first wife had hers done but then turned around and had 4 more children after their divorce. Fail. His second wife had her surgery done, but apparently they were not very thorough because she had a hidden heart issue that resulted in Jack doing CPR on two occasions to save her life. And then there was the ex girlfriend before we got back together who had the lap band done. She was a hot mess and couldn't eat anything more than mashed potatoes and beer, and threw up every time. That was a very short relationship, lol. It is probably unnecessary to say, but he has some serious insecurities about my choosing surgery. So he has attended every appointment with me (minus a few support groups), and went to my pre-op appointment with a LIST of questions. After asking his thousands of questions to Dr. Carter, he is very on board and prepared now with my choice. Leave packet has been submitted, and approved, so he will get to take care of the boys and I for the first 15 days. I expect myself to be up and about by the second day (I'm a stubborn-ass that way), and well into taking care of things myself by the end of the first week. I also know he will kick my ass into gear if I don't take care of myself though.

Now, backing up a little bit, I did decide to do this surgery, and I am going for a Gastric Sleeve. I chose this one simply because it is the least invasive (Madigan will not do lap bands because of the risk factors), I can get the maximum results and even better, NOT look like Skeletor when my body decides it is done with losing weight. It will be an open incision (per my choice as my pudge won't allow a laparoscopic incision. However, while Dr. Carter is in there he is planning to remove my appendix, gallbladder, and repair a herniation point as well, so I'm ok with it being an open surgery. It has taken a little over 3 months of appointments to get my surgery date, which is May 8th. These appointments are no joke I should add. I have seen nutritionists, dieticians, occupational therapy, diabetic nutritionists and been to multiple support group sessions.  The support groups alone are amazing as it is a combination of surgery styles and both pre and post-op patients. There is information to be had there!

The biggest reasoning though for optioning to have a sleeve done is this: I can go into the hospital on medicines for my medical issues, and walk out of the hospital 3 days later with no medicine anymore. That alone is completely worth this. It is a chance to completely retrain my mind, body and soothe my soul of the agonies I have placed there with my years of abuse on my body. I can do this, and I will.

The benefits far outweigh the negatives, but living longer to see those beautiful boys of mine grow. That alone is worth a 3 hour surgery and a few weeks of downtime.

This will be the first time in almost 15 years I will see myself under 200 lbs, even after years of food retraining, exercise, and fad diets galore. I am excited, nervous, and every emotion ever known to mankind right now. I finally broke down and shared this news on FB, and have had an array of responses. One friend told me that I wasn't ready, and I hadn't given dieting a real chance. Another friend told me that I was just taking the lazy way out. Several friends have supported my decision and are following my progress for changes themselves. And then, there are those friends who haven't said anything at all, maybe because they are mad at me for doing this, or maybe they are jealous, but I personally think it's just because their mothers taught them well with the phrase "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". Good job Moms!

My goal is to post daily now, and allow this to be my way of handling things along my life path. However, for now I need to go because I have a long list of "To-Do" chores to complete before the 8th.

Been a long time...

Wow..where to start? A PCS (military move for the family), a divorce and remarriage on both parts, how big the boys have gotten over the last few years, and who I have become. Jim and I have since divorced, but are doing wonderful at making sure midget is cared for. I feel that he is more willing to work with me after spending 7 years watching the crap I went through for the oldest on a day-to-day basis. Yes, I still deal with it, but as the oldest grows he is seeing everything first hand for himself (without my saying a word as that's not my place). It is still a huge struggle for me though as I am starting to feel the "teenage drift" as he gets older and wants to be more independent. I will continue to work everyday to make him a good, strong candidate for the future but darn, I just wish he would remember to text me back once in awhile.

The little one is 6 now (I know! Where has the time gone?!?) and he makes me laugh everyday also. Right now, he is in Kansas with his father and family. Yes, the ex moved the new family into the house he bought for us...lol So much more to that story indeed... He is quite an avid sportsman (football, baseball, soccer, bowling...) and just loves his video games so we restrict that as much as possible. As for the age difference I was so worried about? They get along quite well, and the little one is trying a bit too much to become older than he should be.

Jack, my amazing Jack..has come back into our lives but for permanent now. He and I were married April 7, 2012 and it's been wonderful since. His mother Janet recently visited for the first time and since I'm blogging I suppose its safe to say she liked me. At least that's what Jack keeps telling me. We shall see in about 10 years how she really feels.

As for me right now, I am struggling inside from an unhappiness I don't understand in the slightest. I have two amazing sons, a fantastic husband, a wonderful job that I love, a home, and a slightly spoiled cat and dog as well. However, I struggle with the things I can't control and it has me worried, well ok..I worry anyway thanks to my Mothers genes. We are a bit under the bills world right now, and I'm very unhappy with my weight but I just don't have the motivation to get it done. I'm so busy and finicky with the kids and getting their stuff done..and with the husband and getting his promotion and college done (did I mention I graduated college? First one in my family!!) that I don't always have time for me. I'm falling behind on my wifely duties as well and if someone were to sneak in here I'm sure they would be able to get a foot in the door. Maybe it's time to revisit the Dr and see if I need to be put back on my little antidepressant dosage? I don't know..I'll visit this thought process in a week or so.

As for now, I need to get showered and get to the oldest boys school to get him registered for Soccer. As well as a few other things on my to-do list. Thank you old, reliable blog for letting me vent yet again.

Rights of Children of Divorce..

I found this, and printed it out on 9/26/2004 and have used this as my bible for Chase and it will now be how I hold myself for Sebastian as well. I have not been a perfect parent, but I have done the best I can with what I have been given. My boys are my world, and I would do everything and anything I can to bring them up with the strengths to carry them through life, and the compassion to see life through everyone's eyes and not just thier own. Thanks you to Dr. Lois V. Nightingale for sharing this so I can learn from it. After 7 long years, I am seeing the positive in just simply keeping these rules handy.

1. Continue to love both parents without guilt or disapproval (subtle or overt) by either parent or relatives.
2. Be repeatedly reassured that the divorce is not thier fault.
3. Be reassured they are safe and thier needs will be provided for.
4. Have a special place for thier own belongings at both parent's residences.
5. Visit both parents regardless of what the adults in the situation feel, and regardless of convenience, or money situations.
6. Express anger and sadness in thier own way, according to age and personality (not have to give justification for thier feelings or have to cope with trying to be talked out of thier feelings by adults).
7. Not be messengers between parents; not to carry notes, legal papers, money or requests between parents.
8. Not make adult decisions, including where they willlive, where and when they will be picked up or dropped off, or who is to blame.
9. Love as many people as they choose withouth being made to feel guilty or disloyal. (Loving and being loved by many people is good for children; there is not a limit on the number of people a child can love.)
10. Continue to be kids, i.e. not take on adult duties and responsibilities or become a parent's special confindant, companion, or comforter (i.e. not to hear repeatedly about financial problems or relationship difficulties).
11. Stay in contact with relatives, including grandparents and special family friends.
12. Choose to spend at least one week a year living apart from thier custodial parent.
13. Not to be on an airplane, train or bus on major holidays for the convenience of adults.
14. Have teachers and school informed about the new status of thier family.
15. Have time with each parent doing activities that create a sense of closeness and special memories.
16. Have a daily and weekly routine that is predictable and can be verified by looking at a schedule on a calendar in a system understandable to the child. (For instance: a green line represents scheduled time with dad, and a purple line represents the scheduled time with mom, etc.)
17. Participate in sports, special classes or clubs that will support thier unique interests, and have adults that will get them to these events, on time without guilt or shame.
18. Contact the absent parent and have phone conversations without easedropping or tape-recording.
19. Ask questions and have them answered respectfully with age-appropriate answers that do not include blaming or belittlements of others.
20. Be exposed to both parent's religious ideas (without shame), hobbies, interests and tastes in food.
21. Have consistent and predictable boundaries in each home. (Although the rules in each house may differ significantly, each parent's set of rules needs to be predictable within thier household.)
22. Be protected from hearing adult arguments and disputes.
23. Have parents communicate (even if it is only in writing) about thier medical treatment, psychological treatment, educational issues, accidents and illnesses.
24. Not be interrogated upon return from the other parent's home or asked to spy in the other parent's home.
25. Own pictures of both parents.
26. Choose to talk with a special adult about thier concerns and issues (counselor, therapist or special friend).

Choices...

Sometimes, as a parent, we have to make the difficult choices whether we like it or not. Sometimes we have to say, enough is enough, and walk forward with our heads high. Things have developed where I must make my children safe, and not worry about who it hurts. Wording can be the biggest problem, but clear communication can be the water that washes the salt out of the wound. It ran across my mind today that I was raised to be someone who can stand the the tests of time as they are thrown at me; however, I am also now the person that isn't liked because I can stand up and be bluntly honest. My life has not been simple. I have hurdled obstables that have both been thrown in my path, and obstacles I have created. Those obstacles may have not been intentional, or strongly on purpose, but I climbed those hurdles and I have stood through trials and tribulations that no one else can claim. I have created the spark that burnt many bridges over time, and I have chopped down and prepared the trees that rebuilt those bridges as well. Some obstacles I have tried to fix, but learned that they were lost causes so I chose a different path to follow. Some obstacles hurt me to change the direction on, but I know I need to make those steps happen because it is not just my path I am taking. There are two boys who are watching my direction, making thought processes from what I show them, what I say to them, what they hear around them. I don't shelter my sons, but I will do what I feel is best to protect them. They know right from wrong, but sometimes mistakes are made..pressure is pushed. We are all given different hands at birth, each situation is different. I would like to think that I am compassionate, but I am not the Mother who will teach my children about drugs by taking them into a drug house and saying "check it out." If I know a person has an active drug problem, I won't be around them, nor will my children. However, I will support someone's recovery and hope they are willing to teach my children from thier mistakes. Life is what you make of it. I heard the saying "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade" but sometimes it takes awhile to get all the ingredients into place. Sometimes, you watch the downfall for so long, that you know better than to put your foot in the water because you could get sucked in as well. I would rather sit from the far sidelines and watch everything unravel, than willingly put my family into the undertow.

Crossroads...

Sometimes, as a person, I just don't know what I want. Now, I know that is no different than any other person in this world but it affects me in a strong way. I love being a stay-at-home, being here when the boys and my husband need me..but I also need to make money and provide for the house financially. I really don't want to do anything fancy, and nothing that will take me away from my family. I prefer to work the hours the boys are in school, but I won't lie when I say that working at the preschool was tough work because my parenting skills were challenged on a daily basis. Maybe if I were to work with older children, that would be better? I am looking into 911 operator positions, but it looks as though it would be 12 on, and 12 off. That would interfere with the boys. So something simple, and mindless if the direction I may end up going. I am the wife of a soldier, and I know that if I go to college to get any type of degree it may be a career compromised. So now, I sit and ponder. I need to finish my degree and be done with that. But what do I do?

The Story...

I recently heard this song..and tears came to my eyes. I have told my loving, wonderful husband many times that I have crossed the heavens and earth to be with him..I love you Jack, and I thank you everyday for coming into my life. You are my heaven, my stars, my love, and my life. Thank you.

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

A new beginning...

That would be my new husband, Jack, and my two boys, Chase and Sebastian. So many things have changed since I last wrote, and many more will continue to change after I have written. I met Jack 2 years ago in a very dark part of both our lives. How we met is unimportant, but what is important is the amazing rush of emotions I felt the second I saw him. We spent an amazing weekend together, and I made a wonderful friend at that point in time. Things happened that split us apart for awhile, but we spoke again and it was as though we had never left each others sights at all. We started over on December 24th, 2011 and were married on April 7th, 2012. I have my best friend, my heart, my lover, my world in him. We have had small misunderstandings but always seem to talk it out. The boys think he is amazing and they both flock to him the second he walks in the door from work. My Mother and Father love him, and have both welcomed him into thier lives completely. Jack is military as well, and working on his promotion as we speak. I have my match in hand finally, and I'm thrilled I can say that. I have looked for years to find this man, my truest of all matches and he is here finally. In both my heart, and my soul.

Now, we have each other and we can move forward with our lives. We are both filling something in each other that has been missing for years. I see the boys and I's futures in his hands, and I look forward to what we can accomplish together.

I love you Jack.

Time changes things..

Everything seems to move so fast, and then next time you look up it's several months beyond what you thought. That is how my life seems to be moving all of a sudden. Sebastian turned 4 a few days ago, and it has finally hit me. Next year, my youngest will be going to school. Chase is doing well in school, and although there are a few issues here and there..he is a good boy and I am blessed to be his mother. I'm dating a wonderful man that has amazed me in so many ways, and I am hoping that it goes somewhere between us. This is about to become my therapy again, so I will be sitting down and writing as much as possible to clear my mind.

Time flies..

When your having fun. At least thats what I keep hearing. I wonder often though where my fun is. Between school, work, and my boys..time to breath is an option to say the least. I seem to have lost who I am as a woman. My identity as a Mother, Wife and lover. I am barely home lately because of my requirements at school and work. My children seem to be with child care providers more than myself, and that breaks my heart everyday. I have always, always prided myself on how I am there for my boys. How I am the one they can rely on, and how I can always be there to pick them up from school/daycare. I hate that I can't be there to cook them home cooked meals except every other night. I dislike that if they need to talk to me, it is on the phone. And yet, I push forward everyday: exhausted, stressed, and multiple other physical and emotional sittings in play. My youngest sons regular schedule is all out of whack because I don't seem to have regular hours, and it's affecting him in a multitude of ways. My oldest is out at his father's right now, but is eager to get back home. I can only hope to offer him as much time as I can spare also. I continuously tell myself it's only for a little bit longer, but there are times when I wonder just who I am trying to kid.

So I will continue to push forward, I will pray that I pass all my classes, and I will dedicate to getting into the role I have worked so hard to find. Also, I will find my stride again with being a Mother because even though I have lost my magic touch, my children still love me and still want to be with me. That is what counts, right?

Day 20 and counting...

I have been all over this town non-stop collecting evidence to prove I am not a bad mother. I have worked so hard the last 10 years to make sure my son was safe, healthy, and knew he could love who he wanted..and yet he was still ripped from my arms. It is basically legalized kidnapping I am dealing with, but it makes it no easier. As if things are not any harder to deal with, I think I have an ear infection pending. Tonight, I am drained. Mentally, and physically. I don't understand why the physically, but I know the mentally. I'm going to start getting to the gym starting tomorrow night, because I need to both shed some weight and exercise to relieve some of the stress I am feeling. Not having Chase with me is really taking its toll.

Loss of soul...

There have been so many things going on lately I can't seem to make heads or tails of them. My oldest son is now in the State of Oregon under temporary custody of my ex husband. According to him, my son is making accusations towards my current spouse about him abusing us. I know all the accusations are untrue, and I am working my tail end off to get the custody order turned over. However, after the temporary is turned over I will then have to go through another court hearing for actual custody of my son. For 10 years I have had sole custody of my gorgeous little doe-eyed boy, and now I am lost because I haven't spoken to him in 19 days. No phone calls, no emails, no text messages, no nothing at all. I have an almost three year old boy running around the house looking for his brother non-stop, and no answers to share with my oldest sons school. What do I do? Where do I go? What do I say to people? When can I hold my son and tell him I love him, and I know this isn't his fault?

Time is moving..

Either too slowly, or just too fast. I am unsure which is the correct statement at this point in my life. I am trying to get to through this term, but it's proving to be tougher than I thought it would be. Life at home is up and down to say the least, and I work with a therapist to better conquer that aspect. I watch the boys closely, but I also find myself escaping by going to friends houses and what not to avoid conflict as much as possible. I will usually leave after the boys are in bed, but there are exceptions to every rule. If it means there will be no conflict for the boys, I will leave to friends houses. I have made an amazing group of people that I hang out with here. My boys are always welcome at other's homes as well.

School is going well, just a lot of information to suck in. I am trying my best to study as much as possible but the stress level here in the house makes it difficult on most days. I keep reminding myself to keep my head in the game, study, make the future stronger for the boys. I also remind myself that the stress won't last forever, and I move myself forward accordingly.

School...again?

It is difficult to believe that my oldest Chase, is about to enter the Fourth Grade. Where has the time gone? How has it disappeared so fast? Was I not just potty training him yesterday? It makes me sad, but it also amazes me. He is turning into such a strong, intelligent young man, and it is happening right before my eyes.

And the littlest one..Sebastian. What can I say? He is adorable, a tank of muscle, and though he doesn't speak much..He gets his point across rather intelligibly. These boys amaze me everyday. And each day I am speechless with something they say or do.

I will be starting my classes again on August 19th. Am I looking forward to it? Absolutely!! This will be my last term of prerequisites before I can start my Mortuary Science program. And I am so thrilled about this!! It's finally all falling into perspective. After two terms of Honor Roll so far, I am ready to make a final Honor Roll this term. My classes will be the most difficult I have taken thus far: Human Anatomy & Lab, Small Business Management, The Greiving Process, and Composition 2. I see myself writing a lot of papers, and doing a lot of reading.

And after spending $593.00 on the purchase of four textbooks..I have already started reading.

Time to go feed my boys, do the last of the laundry, and wait for Sebastians speech therapist to come over so I will return later to write.

Where to begin...

And how to end things is the newest topic in my life. Things are rather in an upheaval at this time, and I am unsure how to correctly gather my wits. With the issues at hand through out my household, I am now dealing with my close friend Angie's health problem.

She is in the ICU over at Providence right now, and has had a stroke. No one is sure how long she was there in her apartment before they found her, but because she was there for that length of time a brain hemorrhage has occured. I was able to go and see her yesterday, and I am a little off kilter at this time because I don't know how to help her. She looks beautiful, peaceful, with no pain at all. No stress at all, and I just hope that it stays that way. There is talk of her being paralyzed on her left side, but no one knows for sure it that is truly the case. No one even knows if it can be resolved.

So what can I do? I plan to go visit her again, paint her nails, talk to her..maybe even read to her. That is how I will spend my Friday night.

Another day on the way!

Sometimes it gets absolutely crazy here, and no matter how hard I try to post it just doesn't happen. And on top of that, there is a lot of negativity and personal attacks that continuously occur so that doesn't make for many positive postings. So what do I do? I keep my head held high, my chest pushed out, and my brain as clear as possible. My boys need me, as a strong woman and Mother. My friends need me safe and unharmed, and I need to know who I am.

Right now I am working really hard through therapy to figure out who "owns" the problem as each one comes at me. I fight to stay positive, and I have dug my heels into my schooling. I am suffering from some really serious stress issues as well as sleep deprivation, but I will make it. I have no choice, my boys need me too.

Chase will be home in four weeks, so I have until then to try to eliminate as much stress from the house as I can. And I wil stand my ground also, because I know what I deserve versus what I don't. And right now, what is happening daily is not what I deserve. I have made some poor choices in my marriage as well, but will no longer tolerate pointing fingers. I know what I have done, and I am in counseling to focus on repairing myself and no one else. I can not make other peoples choices, but I can make my own.

And the choices I make are for myself and my boys. No one else. So until I can get things all together, please don't expect me to make your choices also.

Directional Pulls...

Things are a little calmer, but I am still really unsure what to do. The issues that are at hand, I am unsure if they can be fixed in my mind. I try, I really do..but it's just tough to get past some of the problems. So I continue to work my way forward, and work on the college. Today, I spent the majority of the day in bed though because my stomach was upset. I hate throwing up, I really, really do. And when I do, it just knocks the wind out of me.

Chase is supposed to call me tomorrow, and I can't wait. I can't wait until he is home with me again also. I look forward to taking a little time off, but then I miss Chase more than anything else in the world. He brings so much into my life, and I learn from him also.

College is moving along, and it seems to be pretty fast. I am taking Interpersonal Communication and am learning a lot more than I think my instructor knows about. With everything that is going on, and with my own personal counseling..I am really struggling with who I am and which direction I want to go in. I know this much: I really need to protect my children from the problems we are having in the house. It's not thier fault's we are fighting. It is not thier fault that we have the problems we have. But it is becoming thier problem, and I need to find a way to change that from becoming full fledged.

Interesting times...

Lead to interesting developments...Apparently I am still on the minds of men I tortured years and years ago...lol So how do I feel about this? Thrilled, sad, excited, loved, adored...:)

But most of all, I wonder what is so special about me that I still rank like that...

Tired of the drama...

So, I have been accused of posting personal stuff all over the internet. I am now going to do it. We have been having problems non-stop lately and I'm tired of the fighting. I need to get past the "He said, she said" and move forward for the boys. I'm tired of bickering over unimportant things. I need to work my ass off and get my college done. I only have 18 more months to go, and then I will have my degree. And I can start working, and support the boys to my fullest extent. I just can't handle all this anymore. I love Jim, but I have no idea who this man is, and where his hatred is stemming from. He always claims I am trying to be perfect, but the reality is that I need to be stand up for my sons. They already have one angry, hateful parent. They don't need two.

Caught you looking!

So, I finished my final project for CIST and am glad it is done. Now all I need to do is finish up the last of the access assignments and I am good to go with this class. Life has been interesting in the last week. My friend Jack has not emailed to let me know he is doing ok..and not hearing from him scares me. While I know there is nothing I can do about it, not hearing from anyone in a war zone is something that will always affect me.

College is almost done, just about 3 more weeks to go. I finally got my first failing grade today in Psychology. It was a low D, and I will be working on getting my extra credit turned in soon. My thighs are still hurting from finishing up some of the boxes, and planting the vegetables. But thanks to Mother Nature, I have not had to water the plants...lol

Ok, I should really try to concentrate but I can't. My mind is elsewhere and worried.