Friday, July 8, 2011

Time flies..

When your having fun. At least thats what I keep hearing. I wonder often though where my fun is. Between school, work, and my boys..time to breath is an option to say the least. I seem to have lost who I am as a woman. My identity as a Mother, Wife and lover. I am barely home lately because of my requirements at school and work. My children seem to be with child care providers more than myself, and that breaks my heart everyday. I have always, always prided myself on how I am there for my boys. How I am the one they can rely on, and how I can always be there to pick them up from school/daycare. I hate that I can't be there to cook them home cooked meals except every other night. I dislike that if they need to talk to me, it is on the phone. And yet, I push forward everyday: exhausted, stressed, and multiple other physical and emotional sittings in play. My youngest sons regular schedule is all out of whack because I don't seem to have regular hours, and it's affecting him in a multitude of ways. My oldest is out at his father's right now, but is eager to get back home. I can only hope to offer him as much time as I can spare also. I continuously tell myself it's only for a little bit longer, but there are times when I wonder just who I am trying to kid.

So I will continue to push forward, I will pray that I pass all my classes, and I will dedicate to getting into the role I have worked so hard to find. Also, I will find my stride again with being a Mother because even though I have lost my magic touch, my children still love me and still want to be with me. That is what counts, right?

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Day 20 and counting...

I have been all over this town non-stop collecting evidence to prove I am not a bad mother. I have worked so hard the last 10 years to make sure my son was safe, healthy, and knew he could love who he wanted..and yet he was still ripped from my arms. It is basically legalized kidnapping I am dealing with, but it makes it no easier. As if things are not any harder to deal with, I think I have an ear infection pending. Tonight, I am drained. Mentally, and physically. I don't understand why the physically, but I know the mentally. I'm going to start getting to the gym starting tomorrow night, because I need to both shed some weight and exercise to relieve some of the stress I am feeling. Not having Chase with me is really taking its toll.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Loss of soul...

There have been so many things going on lately I can't seem to make heads or tails of them. My oldest son is now in the State of Oregon under temporary custody of my ex husband. According to him, my son is making accusations towards my current spouse about him abusing us. I know all the accusations are untrue, and I am working my tail end off to get the custody order turned over. However, after the temporary is turned over I will then have to go through another court hearing for actual custody of my son. For 10 years I have had sole custody of my gorgeous little doe-eyed boy, and now I am lost because I haven't spoken to him in 19 days. No phone calls, no emails, no text messages, no nothing at all. I have an almost three year old boy running around the house looking for his brother non-stop, and no answers to share with my oldest sons school. What do I do? Where do I go? What do I say to people? When can I hold my son and tell him I love him, and I know this isn't his fault?