2.5 days and counting...

So, the last few days have absolutely flown by and I'm really trying to accomplish too much at once. Chances are that I very well may need the time in the hospital to catch up on my sleep. I'm trying to keep myself calm as well, but I'm slowly becoming a huge bundle of nerves. With my hysterectomy, there were some issues that caused me to lose a lot of blood. I'm not expecting this to happen again, but you never know what could happen otherwise.

Today though, my main goal was to make sure my husband has a complete power of attorney, and a medical power of attorney as well. I don't expect anything to happen, but just in case I want to make sure he has what he needs to handle things. My biggest worry right now if something happens to me is "what will happen to the boys". I know that they would be forced to go back to their father's homes, but would they be allowed to see Jack ever again? I have life insurance set up also, but I set Jack as the primary beneficiary and the boys as secondary with instructions to set up financial trusts so that their fathers can not get their hands on the money. I also sat down with Jack and he knows what I want the boys to have from me, and after they turn 18 and are away from home.

It is really sad that I feel I have to do that, but hey..life goes on, right? As for Jack, he is being so strong for me, but I know inside he is freaking out. It will all be over soon and I will have life by the horns doll!! I promise! Now, it's just a matter of a few more appointments to keep my mind off things and repacking my weekend bag about 3 more times. Ok, 6..but who is counting?

Weight Loss Adventures...

That, my friends, is a very recent picture of myself. Sadly, I can't use the phrase "does this gun make my butt look big", well, because, my butt is big. So is my Diabetes, my heart problems, my lethargy and even more so, my depression. I stand at a whopping 5'6" tall (which makes me feel like a giant compared to all the little Asian women at work whom I absolutely tower over), and weigh in at 210 lbs. I know your thinking that I am not that big, and you might be right considering how the average American looks these days. HOWEVER, I have always been healthy up until 6 months ago. I was larger, yes, but I was issue free otherwise.

How did I start this adventure? Well, I eat healthy, limit my red meats, lots of fruit and vegetables, the very occasional alcoholic beverage, low salt intake, but I noted that I was feeling really crappy so off to Dr. Mumtaz I went. I have a significant history of cancer in my family, one of them being thyroid (my mom had hers removed right about this time frame in her life), diabetes, heart problems and other issues, so Jack and I decided to have it checked out for safety. We tested my hormone levels, my blood sugar (fasting), and my thyroid. The results? "You are epically diabetic Mrs. Earley" was the response Dr. Mumtaz gave me. Not, you have a little touch of the diabetes, or there is a problem with your blood sugar, this woman had to toss the term "Epically" in there. My A1c? 7.99 Yes, my fasting blood sugar for 12 hours was a wonderful 199. 

That wasn't the shocker though, it was when she said "You are at a 35% BMI Ms. Earley, you qualify for weight loss surgery...did you know that?" No, I didn't. And I also didn't know I could cry in public like that either.

So off to multiple dieticians and nutritionists I went, and with the changes implemented through all of them I dropped my A1c in 3 months to a "normal" level of 6.0! Apparently, that is quite a feat because my Dr was absolutely thrilled with me!! My average blood sugar is now about a 130, and I managed to drop about 8 lbs. YAY!! 8 lbs, but I am still at a high risk, obesity level. At first, I was absolutely abhorred that I could possibly be a candidate for weight loss surgery! Then, I started to do the research, and I am not one of those people that looks on Wikipedia and says...Oh, ok. No, I followed a few friends who had RnY done, another who had a Gastric Sleeve, and a DS surgery as well. I read forum after forum about before prepping, how to handle things during your short hospital stay, but most importantly; things that can possibly go wrong and how to handle them. I followed the awesome results, and I followed the not-so-awesome results as well. I kept all this knowledge between Jack and I though, at least until I knew for sure if it was really an option I could handle both physically and mentally.

Now, I mentioned Jack above and I should share with you a little bit. He is also twice divorced, and both of his ex's had RnY's done. The first wife had hers done but then turned around and had 4 more children after their divorce. Fail. His second wife had her surgery done, but apparently they were not very thorough because she had a hidden heart issue that resulted in Jack doing CPR on two occasions to save her life. And then there was the ex girlfriend before we got back together who had the lap band done. She was a hot mess and couldn't eat anything more than mashed potatoes and beer, and threw up every time. That was a very short relationship, lol. It is probably unnecessary to say, but he has some serious insecurities about my choosing surgery. So he has attended every appointment with me (minus a few support groups), and went to my pre-op appointment with a LIST of questions. After asking his thousands of questions to Dr. Carter, he is very on board and prepared now with my choice. Leave packet has been submitted, and approved, so he will get to take care of the boys and I for the first 15 days. I expect myself to be up and about by the second day (I'm a stubborn-ass that way), and well into taking care of things myself by the end of the first week. I also know he will kick my ass into gear if I don't take care of myself though.

Now, backing up a little bit, I did decide to do this surgery, and I am going for a Gastric Sleeve. I chose this one simply because it is the least invasive (Madigan will not do lap bands because of the risk factors), I can get the maximum results and even better, NOT look like Skeletor when my body decides it is done with losing weight. It will be an open incision (per my choice as my pudge won't allow a laparoscopic incision. However, while Dr. Carter is in there he is planning to remove my appendix, gallbladder, and repair a herniation point as well, so I'm ok with it being an open surgery. It has taken a little over 3 months of appointments to get my surgery date, which is May 8th. These appointments are no joke I should add. I have seen nutritionists, dieticians, occupational therapy, diabetic nutritionists and been to multiple support group sessions.  The support groups alone are amazing as it is a combination of surgery styles and both pre and post-op patients. There is information to be had there!

The biggest reasoning though for optioning to have a sleeve done is this: I can go into the hospital on medicines for my medical issues, and walk out of the hospital 3 days later with no medicine anymore. That alone is completely worth this. It is a chance to completely retrain my mind, body and soothe my soul of the agonies I have placed there with my years of abuse on my body. I can do this, and I will.

The benefits far outweigh the negatives, but living longer to see those beautiful boys of mine grow. That alone is worth a 3 hour surgery and a few weeks of downtime.

This will be the first time in almost 15 years I will see myself under 200 lbs, even after years of food retraining, exercise, and fad diets galore. I am excited, nervous, and every emotion ever known to mankind right now. I finally broke down and shared this news on FB, and have had an array of responses. One friend told me that I wasn't ready, and I hadn't given dieting a real chance. Another friend told me that I was just taking the lazy way out. Several friends have supported my decision and are following my progress for changes themselves. And then, there are those friends who haven't said anything at all, maybe because they are mad at me for doing this, or maybe they are jealous, but I personally think it's just because their mothers taught them well with the phrase "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". Good job Moms!

My goal is to post daily now, and allow this to be my way of handling things along my life path. However, for now I need to go because I have a long list of "To-Do" chores to complete before the 8th.

Been a long time...

Wow..where to start? A PCS (military move for the family), a divorce and remarriage on both parts, how big the boys have gotten over the last few years, and who I have become. Jim and I have since divorced, but are doing wonderful at making sure midget is cared for. I feel that he is more willing to work with me after spending 7 years watching the crap I went through for the oldest on a day-to-day basis. Yes, I still deal with it, but as the oldest grows he is seeing everything first hand for himself (without my saying a word as that's not my place). It is still a huge struggle for me though as I am starting to feel the "teenage drift" as he gets older and wants to be more independent. I will continue to work everyday to make him a good, strong candidate for the future but darn, I just wish he would remember to text me back once in awhile.

The little one is 6 now (I know! Where has the time gone?!?) and he makes me laugh everyday also. Right now, he is in Kansas with his father and family. Yes, the ex moved the new family into the house he bought for us...lol So much more to that story indeed... He is quite an avid sportsman (football, baseball, soccer, bowling...) and just loves his video games so we restrict that as much as possible. As for the age difference I was so worried about? They get along quite well, and the little one is trying a bit too much to become older than he should be.

Jack, my amazing Jack..has come back into our lives but for permanent now. He and I were married April 7, 2012 and it's been wonderful since. His mother Janet recently visited for the first time and since I'm blogging I suppose its safe to say she liked me. At least that's what Jack keeps telling me. We shall see in about 10 years how she really feels.

As for me right now, I am struggling inside from an unhappiness I don't understand in the slightest. I have two amazing sons, a fantastic husband, a wonderful job that I love, a home, and a slightly spoiled cat and dog as well. However, I struggle with the things I can't control and it has me worried, well ok..I worry anyway thanks to my Mothers genes. We are a bit under the bills world right now, and I'm very unhappy with my weight but I just don't have the motivation to get it done. I'm so busy and finicky with the kids and getting their stuff done..and with the husband and getting his promotion and college done (did I mention I graduated college? First one in my family!!) that I don't always have time for me. I'm falling behind on my wifely duties as well and if someone were to sneak in here I'm sure they would be able to get a foot in the door. Maybe it's time to revisit the Dr and see if I need to be put back on my little antidepressant dosage? I don't know..I'll visit this thought process in a week or so.

As for now, I need to get showered and get to the oldest boys school to get him registered for Soccer. As well as a few other things on my to-do list. Thank you old, reliable blog for letting me vent yet again.

Rights of Children of Divorce..

I found this, and printed it out on 9/26/2004 and have used this as my bible for Chase and it will now be how I hold myself for Sebastian as well. I have not been a perfect parent, but I have done the best I can with what I have been given. My boys are my world, and I would do everything and anything I can to bring them up with the strengths to carry them through life, and the compassion to see life through everyone's eyes and not just thier own. Thanks you to Dr. Lois V. Nightingale for sharing this so I can learn from it. After 7 long years, I am seeing the positive in just simply keeping these rules handy.

1. Continue to love both parents without guilt or disapproval (subtle or overt) by either parent or relatives.
2. Be repeatedly reassured that the divorce is not thier fault.
3. Be reassured they are safe and thier needs will be provided for.
4. Have a special place for thier own belongings at both parent's residences.
5. Visit both parents regardless of what the adults in the situation feel, and regardless of convenience, or money situations.
6. Express anger and sadness in thier own way, according to age and personality (not have to give justification for thier feelings or have to cope with trying to be talked out of thier feelings by adults).
7. Not be messengers between parents; not to carry notes, legal papers, money or requests between parents.
8. Not make adult decisions, including where they willlive, where and when they will be picked up or dropped off, or who is to blame.
9. Love as many people as they choose withouth being made to feel guilty or disloyal. (Loving and being loved by many people is good for children; there is not a limit on the number of people a child can love.)
10. Continue to be kids, i.e. not take on adult duties and responsibilities or become a parent's special confindant, companion, or comforter (i.e. not to hear repeatedly about financial problems or relationship difficulties).
11. Stay in contact with relatives, including grandparents and special family friends.
12. Choose to spend at least one week a year living apart from thier custodial parent.
13. Not to be on an airplane, train or bus on major holidays for the convenience of adults.
14. Have teachers and school informed about the new status of thier family.
15. Have time with each parent doing activities that create a sense of closeness and special memories.
16. Have a daily and weekly routine that is predictable and can be verified by looking at a schedule on a calendar in a system understandable to the child. (For instance: a green line represents scheduled time with dad, and a purple line represents the scheduled time with mom, etc.)
17. Participate in sports, special classes or clubs that will support thier unique interests, and have adults that will get them to these events, on time without guilt or shame.
18. Contact the absent parent and have phone conversations without easedropping or tape-recording.
19. Ask questions and have them answered respectfully with age-appropriate answers that do not include blaming or belittlements of others.
20. Be exposed to both parent's religious ideas (without shame), hobbies, interests and tastes in food.
21. Have consistent and predictable boundaries in each home. (Although the rules in each house may differ significantly, each parent's set of rules needs to be predictable within thier household.)
22. Be protected from hearing adult arguments and disputes.
23. Have parents communicate (even if it is only in writing) about thier medical treatment, psychological treatment, educational issues, accidents and illnesses.
24. Not be interrogated upon return from the other parent's home or asked to spy in the other parent's home.
25. Own pictures of both parents.
26. Choose to talk with a special adult about thier concerns and issues (counselor, therapist or special friend).

Choices...

Sometimes, as a parent, we have to make the difficult choices whether we like it or not. Sometimes we have to say, enough is enough, and walk forward with our heads high. Things have developed where I must make my children safe, and not worry about who it hurts. Wording can be the biggest problem, but clear communication can be the water that washes the salt out of the wound. It ran across my mind today that I was raised to be someone who can stand the the tests of time as they are thrown at me; however, I am also now the person that isn't liked because I can stand up and be bluntly honest. My life has not been simple. I have hurdled obstables that have both been thrown in my path, and obstacles I have created. Those obstacles may have not been intentional, or strongly on purpose, but I climbed those hurdles and I have stood through trials and tribulations that no one else can claim. I have created the spark that burnt many bridges over time, and I have chopped down and prepared the trees that rebuilt those bridges as well. Some obstacles I have tried to fix, but learned that they were lost causes so I chose a different path to follow. Some obstacles hurt me to change the direction on, but I know I need to make those steps happen because it is not just my path I am taking. There are two boys who are watching my direction, making thought processes from what I show them, what I say to them, what they hear around them. I don't shelter my sons, but I will do what I feel is best to protect them. They know right from wrong, but sometimes mistakes are made..pressure is pushed. We are all given different hands at birth, each situation is different. I would like to think that I am compassionate, but I am not the Mother who will teach my children about drugs by taking them into a drug house and saying "check it out." If I know a person has an active drug problem, I won't be around them, nor will my children. However, I will support someone's recovery and hope they are willing to teach my children from thier mistakes. Life is what you make of it. I heard the saying "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade" but sometimes it takes awhile to get all the ingredients into place. Sometimes, you watch the downfall for so long, that you know better than to put your foot in the water because you could get sucked in as well. I would rather sit from the far sidelines and watch everything unravel, than willingly put my family into the undertow.

Crossroads...

Sometimes, as a person, I just don't know what I want. Now, I know that is no different than any other person in this world but it affects me in a strong way. I love being a stay-at-home, being here when the boys and my husband need me..but I also need to make money and provide for the house financially. I really don't want to do anything fancy, and nothing that will take me away from my family. I prefer to work the hours the boys are in school, but I won't lie when I say that working at the preschool was tough work because my parenting skills were challenged on a daily basis. Maybe if I were to work with older children, that would be better? I am looking into 911 operator positions, but it looks as though it would be 12 on, and 12 off. That would interfere with the boys. So something simple, and mindless if the direction I may end up going. I am the wife of a soldier, and I know that if I go to college to get any type of degree it may be a career compromised. So now, I sit and ponder. I need to finish my degree and be done with that. But what do I do?

The Story...

I recently heard this song..and tears came to my eyes. I have told my loving, wonderful husband many times that I have crossed the heavens and earth to be with him..I love you Jack, and I thank you everyday for coming into my life. You are my heaven, my stars, my love, and my life. Thank you.

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you