Another Day...

Has passed and I have survived. We are over the halfway mark for this deployment. And my confidence is growing that the love of my life will survive and make it home.

Today was the Tercentennial Parade...Killlingly has turned 300 years old! YAY!! Im very proud of the fact that Chase was in the parade today. He marched with Danielson Martial Arts Academy and did them proudly! Not to mention he looked so handsome in his little starch white uniform *they call it a Dobach*. Sebastian and I stood on the side towards the end and cheered them on! At one point we got worried because we did not see the DMAA, and people were getting up to leave...LOL

Sebastian and Chase both were worn out, so here I sit listening to the baby monitor and typing. I need to get a handy man in this house soon...The fan over Sebastians bed is wobbly and that has me really very nervous. Should that fall out and hurt him, I will own this house and every other property this man has in his name. I have called the landlord about that, the lights in the hall and living room, the screens that are missing and have holes. the lawn that the neighbor and I affectionately call our *forest*, and the little hornet problem. *funny note for you all, the first time I typed hornet it came out Horney...Wonder whats on my mind*

But I shall keep emailing and calling them and soon I will refuse to pay the rent and end up in a wicked battle with them. Anyone know another 3 bedroom place for rent, or someone that needs a part time worked that can bring a baby...LOL

Ok, I am off to the upstairs to take a hot shower and settle in for the night. I must save up my energy as it's almost time for girls night out!

Oh, one more thing before I go...During the parade I was gifted an American Flag by SSG Lamb...The recruiters here in Danielson have been especially wonderful to my family and I. If I have needed assistance regarding any kind of paperwork or anything they have been there. So to be given a flag in honor of my husband today means the world to me. I almost cried because I realized how badly I miss my husband.

Relief...

Today Chase amazed me. He had a bad day at school and got in trouble a second time for pushing other children. His attention span has been awful lately. It's been rough. While he was at school today my husband made me take a pamper day so I went off and had my hair done, went tanning and attempted to get my nails done as well. Three different nail places later I gave up and decided I would do that tomorrow. Picked up Chase from school and he told me about getting in trouble. I dealt with that calmly, asked him what I needed to do to teach him to not touch other people without thier permission. His response, "Im sorry Mommy, I knew it was wrong and I just could not help it." Surprise number one, he told me he made a mistake and would try to handle it better next time.

Then off to swimming we went. While at swimming he was his own little dolphin. My amazement came when it was time to jump off the side into the water and instead of 5 feet, Chase ran to the 9 feet. 9 Feet. This is a child who can not stand water in his face, yet he went to the 9 foot end of the pool. On his own. And, he jumped. Into the water with a good splash. But he jumped and swam across the pool all on his own. And I, as his mother...I am proud.

Pleasantness...

Nice, quiet and calm today. Could there be a storm brewing for tomorrow? Ah, yes. The dreaded bills. Yay. Everyone is sooo excited to pay those, arent they? But on the flip side it is a small day for pampering myself. My sister in law is going to watch Sebastian for me while I get my hair and nails done. Because I need it. I very, very rarely ever ask for anything at all. It takes a lot for me to step out of my little independance streak and ask for assistance. But occasionally I do, and it is a big deal. So I will have my little day of beauty. And I will bask in the quietness of no children for just a few hours. And then I will come back and transform into the Mother of two boys who has no time for herself. And I will once again be happy.

Why ask why?

Today I took Sebastian to the eye Dr. Nothing serious to worry about. His peditrician and I notices his left eye seemed to wander more than we were comfortable with so we went ahead and took some preventative care measures. As it turns out, we were just over zealous about something that will correct itself in a few short months. But that was not what disturbed me the most about my day.

You see, one of the eye technicians who was a really chatty cathy decided she would ask me the one question you just dont ask an Army Wife. Why do you support a man who is fighting a useless war such as Iraq? It must have been the look of defiance in my eyes that caught her off guard...Or maybe it was my answer.

How does a simple woman answer something like that? How do you answer in such a way that you dont end up in a political debate about the thousands of Americans, Iraqui's and various other countries soldiers and citizens who have died? How do you answer that question without coming across as a bleeding heart who just really gets tired of answering that stupid damn question?

I answered like this...

I fell in love with this absolutely wonderful man. He makes my heart skip a beat when I hear his voice. He is a father to our children even though one of them is not his biologically. He tries his hardest to make sure that space gap between us physically does not become mentally. He does everything he can to keep our marriage and love going strong even though he is so far away. And why is he far away?

Because before there was Arica and Jim, there was Jim and the Army. That man is a soldier who loves his country enough that he has sacrificed 19 years to serve his country. He has put off his life to be called up in the middle of the night. He is missing his infants sons firsts so he can help a country that has been in ruins for years become a stronger, more united country. He is doing what he CHOSE to do, because he loves being a soldier. There are days he hates digital, and days he hates 120 degree weather. But he will always be there doing what he loves, and feeling fulfilled at the end of the day when he lies his head, exhausted, in his bunk.

And he will sleep a restless night away dreaming of his family. Then get up the next day and do it all over again because he chooses to do this. For our freedom he sacrifices his. For your right to ask me a stupid question such as you just did, he commits to his duty as a soldier in the US Army. And I as a woman who loves a man will stand by his side and be proud of who this man is. Because this mans sacrifices makes my childrens futures so much more secure than ever before.

I have my fears, I have my doubts, I have my worries. But my Love is stronger than all of those combined. So if my husband dies in the line of duty I will proclaim loudly to all within earshot...He died doing what he loved to do...Serve his country and make his family proud. And each night he will lie his head down on his pillow and be grateful that he alone was able to make a difference. Even if it was as small as a smile to someone who may have needed it more than anyone else knew.

And I as an Army wife will love him through thick and thin. I will be there when he needs me, and even when he doesnt. I will do my part, be that strong, silent force that supports my soldier because I Love Him.

Baby's first Dr trip...

Well, his first for being sick that is. He has a a funny cough so we decided it would be best to get him checked out for safety. As it turns out, just some seriously dried boogers causing congestion in his throat. Nothing in his lungs thank goodness. So he will survive to torture me another day...LOL Funny thing that cracked me up...Sebastian's been a grouch for the last few days...so when the nurse took his temperature with the rectal thermometer the little man just perked right up. I made the nurse laugh when I was talking to Sebastian and said...So...the best way to cheer you up when your sick is to poke you in the butt...LOL Poor nurse had to laugh.

Chase came home from school in a teary mood. He realized today that he will be gone from his little brother and myself for quite awhile. He said he is going to miss out on a lot of Sebastians fun times. He doesnt know it yet, but when I pick him up from his fathers house my mother and I are going to take him to California to see my Grandmother Marston and Uncle Mark. Along the way we will see Shiela Pirkig who has been a long time friend of my mother's since high school. And in between those visits we will see Legoland, Santa Cruz Boardwalk where they filmed Lost Boys, Universal Studios, San Francisco Wharf and even Alcatraz. All the places my Mother took me when I was his age as well. Now I get to return that fun time. And make those memories with my own children. How damn exciting is that? But right now Im going to head upstairs and check on my boys...make sure they are comfortable and then do my exercises.

Memorial Day...

Ahhh...The day when we all celebrate Veterans by eating too many pounds of Hot Dogs and Hamburgers...And even more pounds of Potato Salad. What we really should do is go out and help fix a Veterans Home. Or work on his/her car for free. Use some talent we have to make sure that our Veterans are taken care of. Because we do a crappy job of it as it is. On the 24th the boys and I were driving out in Brooklyn and saw several Veterans holding signs saying Honk if you support your troops! Oh I honked all the way past them! Because I have my own troops I support...Not just my loving husband but several of our wonderful friends as well. Well, our opportunity to take care of our Veterans arose later than evening. We were at a local restaraunt having dinner when in walked one of the gentleman who stood out there in the sun all day. Just doing his part rallying for our Troops everywhere. God Bless Him. I asked my waitress if she knew his history and she shared with me he had been injured in Vietnam and was one of 3 soldiers from his unit to make it home alive. There had been 47 of them. My mind was set right at that Moment. I asked her very quietly to please ring out my check, and put his bill on with mine as well. Without him knowing it.

I borrowed one of her tickets and wrote a small, simple letter to this Veteran. This is what it said:

Sir,

Today we are paying for your meal as it is the least we could do for you. Thank you so much for the sacrifices you have made for your country. We appreciate it dearly.

In Loving Honor,
SGT Lawrence Kelley
*Serving in Iraq from 2007-2009

I dont know this mans name, I dont know where he lives or anything about him with the exception that he is a proud Veteran who cares dearly for the rest of our troops enough that he would sit in the scorching sun all day long for honks.

Thank you.

Oh the Pain...

So today I used the Wii Fit program for the first time. And what did I learn? Im old, and fat. Hehehe, but its ok because Chase says I am losing already! My goal is 30 pounds off my frame before Jim gets home from Iraq and I will obtain it. I would be smaller than I was when I got pregnant with Chase. And I have not been that small since I got pregnant with Chase. But I am well on my way there. I am also working on possible plans of places to take the boys when I fly out to Oregon. We are going to see my Grandmother Marston in San Pablo. Im looking forward to the drive as there are so many cool places we can stop along the way. Chase does not know it but I think his father is planning a trip to Disneyland this summer. I dont know the details as of yet, but I know that we will take Chase to a few other places that I went as a child.

Ok, so I am going to take my aching body upstairs and soak in the tub for awhile. We are heading out to see Submarines tomorrow!

In walked this man...

And he just absolutely amazed me. His eyes, his mind and his soul captured my attention right off the bat. Not to mention his butt was cute too! But I sure hope that I do not see his butt too often as it means he is walking away from me. His heart is made of gold. He sees things in a different light. He has no problem showing me that I am loved, yet he does not say it. He touches my soul with his words. His honesty is refreshing. His mind is sharp even after too many hours of work. His hand fits perfectly within mine. His body keeps mine warm when I feel chilled. His kisses reach all the way to my core.

I miss him, and someday he will be with me again.

Tired...

I'm tired. I have been so busy putting out small fires the last few days that all I want to do is just sleep. And I will get my chance eventually. I have managed to get Sebastian to sleep comfortably in his own bed now. Has happened for a week. It took me almost that long to get Chase's medication worked out with his Dr. And then there is making arrangements for him to go to Oregon. And housework, bills, friends. Making sure life is in order is exhausting. But I have happy, healthy and well adjusted children now. I even have a play date with the girls for June 6th. When our boys are at the Karate sleep over, Mommies are going to take the night off and get out of the house. YAY~ I will let everyone know how that goes.

But for now, Im heading to bed to relax. Maybe a steaming hot shower first.

Loneliness...

A word we all fight to ignore. It is the hardest at night. When I lie in my bed and wish he was there to hold me. I often cry myself to sleep because I know he is thousands of miles away. And then I tell myself to just suck it up, you married into this. You knew it could happen. You knew your life would be this way. And when the morning comes I pull myself out of bed. And I stiffen my backbone up. And I put on a happy face because I know I need to be strong so my two boys dont lose grip on thier happiness. I struggle to make my way through the day, fearing the time when I end up in our bed alone. Watching as the darkness engulfs what is destined to be my night time routine until he retires.

The alarm buzzes loudly with some obscene song I chose, I sit up and stiffen my backbone again. My day begins again.

Impact.

Have you ever noticed how your life can be impacted by the actions of one person? Have you seen the pyramid of happenings because that one person made the choice to impact on your life? It is not religion or politics that makes the world go round. It is a smile, a kind word, maybe even that soft gentle caress on one's hand. Something small and insignificant to anyone else, but makes you realize you are a real person. A wonder in this big world that for just the one second, you were admired. And all because of a simple stranger with compassion in thier eyes. That first kiss, how intimate and slow it was. Like a small brook of water not big enough to sustain even fish. But refreshing enough for one deer to rejuvinate enough to move along its' path in life. And as we follow the brook it leads to a river, which sustains a lot of life within and around its rushing waters. There, the small intimate kiss sparks into a passionate fire within your walls screaming to be let out. All that enthusiasm oozing from your pores, showing with that beautifully radiant glow your smile illuminates.

And all from one simple act of compassion. Even the smallest seed can become the mighty oak. Take a little time today to just enjoy the simple things around you. The ant scurrying to collect food for his many thousands fellow ants. That crazy squirrel scampering about humorously enough to make you smile.

That beautiful smile an innocent child gifts you when having thier doll returned after dropping it. The loving glance of the complete stranger who wants nothing more than to see your life turn out the way dreams are made.

Take your gift of love and shower it on everyone. Even the worst of hearts knows genuine souls when it is dropped in thier laps.

Start Impact.

Chronicles of Life?

Last night the boys and I went to see Chronicles of Narnia, Prince Caspian. Wow is all I can say. They sure come out with some fantastic movies at the beginning of Summer. Chase loved it and was glued to the screen! Did I per chance mention that we went to the Drive in and it was AWESOME as usual! I really enjoy taking Chase there because we get to see a terrific movie at a terrific price on a HUGE screen! But today is Sunday, it is 55 degrees outside at 0800 and we are going to head to the park today. I promised Chase and I also really need to get out of the house.

On a lighter note, Jim called me and told me he loves me to death. And that he likes my blog here that I am writing. Told me he thought it was a really good outlet! YAY!

My Boys, My World.

Life is fantastic. I have two gorgeous boys who are my entire world. Every single breathe I take is simply for them. Well, and so I dont turn blue as well. Chase is having a fantastic week at school, and Sebastian is already trying to roll over. We had swimming lessons today, and afterwards since Chase did a fantastic job off we went to McDonalds. But for now I need to scoot because the little one is calling my name.

Tired is my middle name...

Today was a really long day for some reason. Sebastian was up at the crack of dawn...0500 to be exact...and would not go back to sleep to save his life. So I decided to go ahead and stay up as my alarm goes off at 0600 anyway. So what did I do? I worked my butt off to keep him awake and after dropping off big brother at school we went home and took a nap. Oddly enough, as Im writing this blog someones' father is trying to call. I will just hit silence for now as his son is getting through the shower and doing his bedtime routine. We will call him back when he is done, and use the home phone. And you watch, he wont answer and will use the excuse he didnt know the number. Because so many people call him from an 860 number...

I was going to write this really long blog today about customer service and how some people suck ass at it, but Im just going to get my fussy tired baby and head upstairs.

So until tomorrow..Chuss!

Jim said Suck It Up!

Or better yet, just get thicker skin. I found out recently that a gal I used to babysit as a child is now married into the Army. Oddly enough she is going through the same thing I am, which is dealing with a deployed spouse who is in Iraq as well. She is still learning the lingo and what not...so I was rather amused when she told me that she thought FOB Loyalty was a career choice in the Army. Hehehe, both of our hubbies thought so as well.

Another small happening today. I swear I gave birth to my brain on some days because for the last few weeks I have been struggling to get ink copies of my youngest sons handprints. Im planning to get a new tattoo soon and needed those prints to get it done. I have a copy of my oldest sons footprints which will go on my left shoulder blade, and then my youngest sons handprints for my right shoulder blade. Im getting pretty excited to get this done, as a way to memorialize my beautiful children for the rest of my life. I even have another tattoo I am planning but its a secret...Hehehehe

I was able to talk to my husband today on the computer, and it was really nice to know he is doing ok. I get a little freaked out when I dont hear anything from him for a few days at a time. While I was talking to him today it occured to myself that I had an interesting conversation with a really close friend of mine that I needed to share with Jim ASAP. My friend and I had talked about how he wanted to visit here but did not want to get into the middle of my marriage like he did with my ex spouse. *Oddly enough my ex was totally threatened by this man and even accused me of cheating on him at OUR WEDDING right after we got married* I assured him that nothing will ever come between my husband and I. And Jim agreed completely. But the revelation came after this conversation with the friend when I realized I truly had not been happy with my ex at all. Because quite frankly had I seen my friend while I was married to my ex, I would have cheated. And been happy to do it even.

Admitting this is a huge factor in my life, because I now know and understand that the feelings I thought I had for him really did not exist. But then it also leave a hole in myself wondering why I was with him? Do I dare ever tell my son that the only reason I was with his father was because of him? And how is that going to impact Chase? That little boy will never understand the impact he had on my life, and the ways he caused me to change for the better. And I thank that child everyday when I hug him.

Ok, for right now I need to scoot because I can hear Mini Jim calling me...

A Father is what?

Today was just another day in my life. Got up, got Chase fed, did two loads of laundry before 9 am, took stuff to be consigned, fed Sebastian and played with him, had coffee, read my paper, did research for schooling, got groceries, checked the mail and all done by 10 am. I know it seems as though I do nothing, but my day really gets busy when Chase gets home. There's homework, chores, sports and playtime. In my downtime today I was reading someone's blog and realized something. You never do let go of the person you had a child with. The love for him is not there at all and he will never have the opportunity to be with me again. He screwed that up many years ago. But everytime I steel myself and decide I want nothing to do with him I soften. Last night was my final straw completely. I dont care who's father, brother, friend or anything he is.

You see, he goes for weeks at a time and no contact. Then out of the blue he will message me..not to talk to his son, but to whine about his life. Where he has no responsibilities other than himself and his little intoxicated pieces of ass. Because that is the only way he can have a woman. By letting them think he is the coolest thing on earth and when the newness wears off he jilts them. Which is fine and dandy, with the exception he allows our son to get attached to each of them. And who gets to clean up that mess? Yours Truly. But not anymore. I will continue to write everything that happens between him and I down, keep track of the messages and phone calls. And when the time comes, our son will know who really tried and who didnt.

Please dont think in anyway I am whining about the fact that I took on the responsibility of raising our son. Because I am not. I love Chase with all my heart and will say right now that he is a better person because I am the primary parent. Jim is a fantastic father but because of his career choice can not be there as much as he wants to be..But that is ok because even though he is in Iraq right now he calls and speaks with Chase 2 or 3 times a week. Chase's father spoke to him almost 3 weeks ago on the phone. And I have it all written down. Because being a father means talking to your son 5 minutes on the phone every 2 or 3 weeks. Oh wait, he is a father because he pays his child support according to him.

But we shall see. Because the day will come where Chase says, Dad...your a piece of work, I want to stay with Mom.

And I will cry tears of joy.

My First so please be gentle...

This will be the first of many blogs I am hoping to write. To maybe chronicle my life for people I care (or even dont care) about. A little about myself...Im 35, still dye my grey hairs even though I have earned each one of them. I have two wonderful boys...both by different fathers. Yes, I am one of those mothers. I became one of the women I used to laugh at so I keep my comments to myself now. I was married to my oldest sons father for awhile, well...one year to be exact and it had its ups and downs. I will definately write more on that later. When my anger erupts and I really have no where else to go I will write it here. Because I plan to never tell him about this blog.

I am married now to my second childs father. A wonderful man I met on Eharmony of all places. He is in the Army, active duty and may I say he is a fantastic catch. He has his things that he does..that annoys the crap out of me, but everyone does that. Everyone has thier little quirks that we just learn to live with. I can handle him leaving his clothes laying around because that means he is home. Did I mention as I write this he is finishing up his day in Iraq? He has been there since October of 2008 and wont be back with us until about March of 2009. I miss him terribly, but I am also just as damn proud to be his wife. Because he is doing what he loves, which is supporting his country.

My boys are wonderful. As I write this one is 7 and I just dropped him off at school. I hope he has a great day as he has some problems we are trying to iron out right now. He has severe ADHD and we are working out some quirks with his medication right now. But oh that child has a personality. He went last night with my Mother In Law to the Circus, and was so excited when he got him that he just kept talking and talking about all the cool things he saw and did as well. Apparently he was the first one to be picked out of the crowd to be part of one of the juggling acts. This little boy has changed my life and my world as I saw it. Things were so dark and desolate for myself, and all I did was drink and pass out. When I found out I was pregnant with him at 27, my whole world changed. And for the better. I went through DT's (Detox), got the alcohol out of my system and even quit smoking for him. He made me a better woman.

My youngest is 2 months old right now. Sometimes I look at him and wonder if he is really my child. He is so small and precious, yet other days he seems so big and grown up. His cries make my world seem so small, and yet I know outside my door is a place I worry about sending them too. I had him at 35, and decided that such perfection needed not be duplicated. So the tubal ligation was put into effect. Not to mention I am a good mom but I know when to say when. After all that my oldest childs father has put me through, I am more than comfortable with two sons. And no, I did not want to sit back and try for a little girl. One of me on this planet is plenty. Ask anyone you know. They will verify it.

So each night I will sit and try to write a little. To share my innermost feelings, to vent, to cry, to let people know how I truly feel. Most of my life I have been completely closed off to the world, and I am going to do my best to try and turn that around.

To those fortunate enough to know about this blog, I Love You enough to let you into my world. But what you read here is not for discussion, it is not to hurt people, it is not to rub in anyone's faces. It is to help you understand what I am going through and my emotions involved. Please know that you can talk to me at anytime about anything you read here, but dont use my ramblings as a weapon.

I Love You all.

Arica