Thursday, June 24, 2010

Where to begin...

And how to end things is the newest topic in my life. Things are rather in an upheaval at this time, and I am unsure how to correctly gather my wits. With the issues at hand through out my household, I am now dealing with my close friend Angie's health problem.

She is in the ICU over at Providence right now, and has had a stroke. No one is sure how long she was there in her apartment before they found her, but because she was there for that length of time a brain hemorrhage has occured. I was able to go and see her yesterday, and I am a little off kilter at this time because I don't know how to help her. She looks beautiful, peaceful, with no pain at all. No stress at all, and I just hope that it stays that way. There is talk of her being paralyzed on her left side, but no one knows for sure it that is truly the case. No one even knows if it can be resolved.

So what can I do? I plan to go visit her again, paint her nails, talk to her..maybe even read to her. That is how I will spend my Friday night.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Another day on the way!

Sometimes it gets absolutely crazy here, and no matter how hard I try to post it just doesn't happen. And on top of that, there is a lot of negativity and personal attacks that continuously occur so that doesn't make for many positive postings. So what do I do? I keep my head held high, my chest pushed out, and my brain as clear as possible. My boys need me, as a strong woman and Mother. My friends need me safe and unharmed, and I need to know who I am.

Right now I am working really hard through therapy to figure out who "owns" the problem as each one comes at me. I fight to stay positive, and I have dug my heels into my schooling. I am suffering from some really serious stress issues as well as sleep deprivation, but I will make it. I have no choice, my boys need me too.

Chase will be home in four weeks, so I have until then to try to eliminate as much stress from the house as I can. And I wil stand my ground also, because I know what I deserve versus what I don't. And right now, what is happening daily is not what I deserve. I have made some poor choices in my marriage as well, but will no longer tolerate pointing fingers. I know what I have done, and I am in counseling to focus on repairing myself and no one else. I can not make other peoples choices, but I can make my own.

And the choices I make are for myself and my boys. No one else. So until I can get things all together, please don't expect me to make your choices also.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Directional Pulls...

Things are a little calmer, but I am still really unsure what to do. The issues that are at hand, I am unsure if they can be fixed in my mind. I try, I really do..but it's just tough to get past some of the problems. So I continue to work my way forward, and work on the college. Today, I spent the majority of the day in bed though because my stomach was upset. I hate throwing up, I really, really do. And when I do, it just knocks the wind out of me.

Chase is supposed to call me tomorrow, and I can't wait. I can't wait until he is home with me again also. I look forward to taking a little time off, but then I miss Chase more than anything else in the world. He brings so much into my life, and I learn from him also.

College is moving along, and it seems to be pretty fast. I am taking Interpersonal Communication and am learning a lot more than I think my instructor knows about. With everything that is going on, and with my own personal counseling..I am really struggling with who I am and which direction I want to go in. I know this much: I really need to protect my children from the problems we are having in the house. It's not thier fault's we are fighting. It is not thier fault that we have the problems we have. But it is becoming thier problem, and I need to find a way to change that from becoming full fledged.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Interesting times...

Lead to interesting developments...Apparently I am still on the minds of men I tortured years and years So how do I feel about this? Thrilled, sad, excited, loved, adored...:)

But most of all, I wonder what is so special about me that I still rank like that...

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Tired of the drama...

So, I have been accused of posting personal stuff all over the internet. I am now going to do it. We have been having problems non-stop lately and I'm tired of the fighting. I need to get past the "He said, she said" and move forward for the boys. I'm tired of bickering over unimportant things. I need to work my ass off and get my college done. I only have 18 more months to go, and then I will have my degree. And I can start working, and support the boys to my fullest extent. I just can't handle all this anymore. I love Jim, but I have no idea who this man is, and where his hatred is stemming from. He always claims I am trying to be perfect, but the reality is that I need to be stand up for my sons. They already have one angry, hateful parent. They don't need two.