You have an unusual ability to put your best effort forth at all times..
That was in my fortune cookie this afternoon, but is it true?
Now, I am first going to warn everyone that this blog is written with tears streaming down my face. It is for several reasons. But mostly because my reality that Chase is gone for 9 weeks has hit. As much as he wears and stresses me out, my world is lonely without him. Now without my husband and Chase, it is strange to say the least. I am used to not having Jim here as I knew what I would potentially be getting into when I married him. But not having a spouse with you is very different to say the least versus not having your child. And 8-9 weeks at a stretch is even more difficult. But I have learned how to adapt to the absences.
It has affected Sebastian in a totally different way. He has been running all over this house looking for his brother. I hear him in each room yelling..And when there is no response he runs to another. How do you explain to a toddler that his brother is away for awhile and will be back? I know he does not understand and will he have to adapt as well?
I have not had the urge to answer the phone when it rings. I have not wanted to do anything. I have wanted to sit and just let the tears falls. But even that I can not do correctly at this time of sorrow. I finally forced myself to shower and take Squeaky out to the park to run. It was difficult to be happy knowing my oldest was clear on the other side of the United States. And as I always try to find the positive in things, I reminded myself at least I was not in Germany at this time. There is always something good to remember. Always when you must adapt.
The other thing that has the tears flowing is that I am an Army Wife. After we played at the park a little while, off to the store we went. And then to the take out Chinese place to get some Pork Fried Rice. Nothing fends off depression better for Mommy than Pork Fried Rice with soy sauce. That seems to be my depression food of choice. And then home to a nice little dinner with baby. And then upstairs where I put Sebastian into the bath tub. While he was in the bath I proceeded to tackle Chase's room. I went through the toys, the books. I put all the toys into one bucket, and made sure clothes were all hung up. I took out all the clothes that no longer fit for donation. I stripped the bed and started the laundry to wash the sheets and blankets. I took all the posters, stars and planets down. I put all the nails and tacks into a container. I took the curtain and rod down and put the screws into a Ziploc baggy. And then duct taped the baggy to the pole. I stripped the room down so things will be easier for the movers. And I cried knowing I would need to adapt again.
Now, I know these things happen every 3 to 4 years as an Army Wife. But I also know that it never gets any easier at all. As much as I hate this area, I love my friends that I have grown so close too. I will miss them coming over to visit. I will miss their children. I will miss their hugs. I will miss their encouragement. I will miss their faces and smiles. Most of all, I will miss their love more than anything in this world. While I am terribly excited about buying a house and having my family complete losing these wonderful people is hurting almost as much as Chase being gone. But I will adapt to their absence.
I know that as an Army Wife I am looked at as many things. Strength. Honesty. Integrity. But there are days I just want to throw my arms in the air and scream that I am NOT AS STRONG as everyone thinks that I am! I am tough as nails because I have taken life's lessons and adapted.
I am ready to wipe my tears away. I am ready to move forward into my new life.
I will adapt.