Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Little did I know my friend knew you, and he shared this information with you. So yet another night, while out drinking with friends..you showed up at the place we were all drinking. I invited you over, bought you a beer and we hit it off. Ended up spending the night together on a friend of mine's couch while she and her guy were off doing whatever. Nothing happened that night. I was just amazed you were with me. I told you everything. About my scholarship. About my marriage. About how he cheated on me. About how unsure my feelings were at the time. That I didn't want anything serious. I didn't want to hurt anyone else. I didn't want to be hurt anymore than I had already been. So we just casually hung out.
You asked me to a company dinner. You asked me to a family dinner. We really hit it off. We were truly inseparable. All your pool and darts, I was there. Your softball, I was there. I became an ingrained part of your life. You were always at my apartment. But then again you lived with your sister at that time. In her garage I may add. But I still accepted you. And then the time came when I had to face up and deal with either working things out with my husband or leaving him. So I packed up and moved everything to San Diego, California. I spent less than two weeks there and I was miserable. I missed you more than anything in the world. I talked to you everyday on the computer. I finally called you to meet me halfway so I could come back home. And you did. I signed off on my college scholarship, packed up my belongings into a U-Haul truck and left my husband. And started a new life with you.
I moved into your Mother's house until we could find our own place. And less than a week after I was home we found out we were expecting our child. I was shocked. I was scared to death. I never wanted children. I was not meant to be a Mother. I was not good enough to be a Mother. I barely could take care of myself..How was I going to take care of another person? So I showed you the test, and then I took another one in front of you. How was I going to tell my Mother? How was your Mother going to react? Well, my Mother was excited. Your Mother..Well..She did sigh like I was trying to trap you. Are you sure this is what you both want? I don't know. I was not expecting it. But I was 27, and it was time for me to grow up. And I did. Really fast.
So we sat down and had the talk. I don't want you to be with me just because I am pregnant. No, I want to be with you because I Love You. Are you sure? Because if you are not, we do not need to be together. No, No..This is what I want. I remember this conversation like it was yesterday. This was one of the hardest conversations I have ever had in my life. So we moved in together. And I quit my job bar tending because it was unsafe for the baby. And I did my prenatal appointments. And I went to college. 16 credits a term for the entire pregnancy. And I did great! I carried a 3.5 GPA the entire time. And then I had our beautiful son. December 6, 2000. He was perfect. Looked just like you. Identical to you. Which was completely ironic due to you claiming he was not your son.
Do you remember the fights we had. Because Pauline told you I said you were just supposed to be a one night stand. And you were. But you just would not go away. And my feelings for you grew. And we fought because Lenae told you she peed on the pregnancy test because I was trying to teach you a lesson. Oddly enough, you were right there when I peed on that test. So how did I get Lenae from clear across the city to pee on it when you were sitting on that bath tub right in front of me. Oh..and I almost forgot. He was not your child. I was 5 months pregnant when this fight happened. You had surgery for a hernia the day before that. And you came home from where ever you were at and started yelling at me about how I cheated on you and this was not even your kid. How I got pregnant in California. How dare I have you support me and make you believe this was your kid. You did the math, didn't you. Especially after he was born. And you looked into your eyes. And even now, 8 years later. That child looks identical to you. So there is the beginning of your first apology to me.
Let's talk about the night I for sure caught you cheating on me. It was your birthday, do you remember that? How you called me from work and said you were going out for a few beers. I said Sure. Just please don't be out too late. I had worked very hard on a cake and dinner for you. I was going to try and be very romantic. See if I could get a spark back into our intimate life. I was 7 months pregnant at that time, and you would not make a single move on me. Your response when I asked why? Your getting a little too fat for me. I'm not attracted to you. Well Guess What? I was getting fat because I was carrying our child. Our beautiful son. Any other man would have had me that very moment. But I only wanted you. So you finally came home from the bar that night at midnight. Yes, the moment had passed..dinner was eaten and everything cleaned up and put away. Cake into the dumpster by that time. Off to bed I went only to be awoken by you trying to crawl into bed oh so quietly. A fight ensued. And off to the couch you went.
And the strangest thing happened. At 2:15 am our home phone rang. Who was it? I don't know because I didn't answer it. But you did. And I heard you say OK. And you hung up. And up you got and started to get dressed. Where are you going? I asked suspiciously. I forgot my cigarettes at the bar. You can buy a new pack in the morning. No, I need those right now. Who was on the phone? My sister calling to wish me a happy birthday. Really? At 2:15 in the morning? Yeah. And off you went. No sooner did you head out the door than I picked up the phone and dialed *69. And it rang back to the bar. The same bar you worked weekends at. And oddly, no one answered. I knew why. So I called, and I called, and I called, and I called some more. Until I heard your car pull up 45 minutes later. And it was the damnedest thing..you still didn't have your cigarettes. But you did walk in the door with an erection. And you had a really tough time looking me straight in the face.
And I called you out on the phone call, didn't I? Who called from the bar? Oh, it was Chris. She called to ask where the plunger was. Isn't there an owner to the bar. And why the hell is she calling you for a plunger? I knew what you had done, I could see it in your face. I could smell it on your skin. I could feel it from your actions. Straight into the shower you went. And then you wanted to cuddle in bed with me. I was too tired to fight you on this one. But I did walk down to the bar 7 months pregnant the next night, didn't I? And I walked right into the kitchen where Chris was working while you were off waiting tables, didn't I? And I confronted her right then and there, didn't I? And she was in tears when you walked in, wasn't she? Yes, she was in tears because she had just told me exactly what had happened between you guys the night before.
I should have left you then. Shame on me. But you had me convinced no one would take me with no job, a baby on the way. And that no one would want someone as fat and ugly as I was. And I will tell you, I felt that way thanks to you. Because for a man who supposedly loved me as much as you did..Wow. You made me feel like a winner.
Now I will never claim that I was perfect, because I was not. I had my faults. Like being too mature after I got pregnant. And getting fat while I was pregnant. And having friends. Or talking to people who were not associated with you. Or related to you. God forbid, you freaked out on me because I had my other pregnant friend Erika over when you came home from work. Did you know you creeped her out? You made her feel like you were going to attack her at any minute? Oh, we can talk about the time that I pushed you after your surgery because I was trying to stop you from leaving and cheating on me again. Or we can talk about the time I threw the glass at the wall but you told your sister I threw it at you. I should have thrown it at you. At least that way I would have earned the ass chewing your useless sister gave me. Had I not been pregnant, I would have probably stood up for myself. But I was, and I didn't. And by the time I did stand up for myself it was just too late. And now, I am standing up to you one last time.
You see, I did not deserve what you put me through. I did not deserve to be lied to. I did not deserve to be cheated on. I did not deserve to be told I was useless, fat, ugly, unintelligent. That I would go no where in life. That no man would want me anymore as a single mom. That I was a no one who would make it no where in life.
And look at us now. We have an intelligent, handsome son. I have a wonderful husband of over 3 years now. I have another handsome son. I have lived overseas. I have traveled. I have been everything including a pillar of support in our son's life. I have lived in different states. I have a solid family. Eventually I will have a college degree. Because I have two families that love and support me.
And what do you have? Your same, self indulgent, pitiful self who will never move away from his Mommy or Sisters. Because they do all your dirty work for you. You are always broke. You have gone through 3 serious relationships and god only knows how many flings since I married my husband. You have been fired from your job of 8 years. And had to take a job of lesser pay. You have hurt women almost as much as you hurt me. And you can't seem to get rid of the psychotic one's even if they are mentally hurting your son.
Because you are not a true man at all. You see, a true man would never have had to tear down a strong, intelligent women to make himself feel better about who he is. A good man would have treated women with respect. A real man would have faced up to reality and not bit off more than he could chew. Or at least admit it.
So I will never open my arms, nor my door to you ever again. I will never trust you. I will pray several times a day for my son's safety while he is with you. And one day, I hope you realize you are nothing to anyone and straighten out your act.
Until then..You are dead to me.
Monday, September 29, 2008
A Military wife can be tough to describe.
She is a Southern belle, a Northeastern Mets
fan, a California 3rd generation recycler, a
Pacific Islander or even European.
She is short or tall.
A fashion diva.
A physician's assistant.
A Military Wife is a career gal.
An accomplished cellist.
An auto mechanic.
What IS a Military Wife?
WHAT is a Military Wife?
What is a MILITARY Wife?
They may look different and each is wonderfully unique,
but this they have in common...
Lots of moving...
Moving far from home.
Moving two cars, three kids, one dog,
and a cat...
all riding with HER, of course.
Moving sofas to basements because they
won't go in THIS house.
Moving curtains that won't fit.
Moving jobs, and certifications, and
professional development hours.
Moving away from friends.
Moving toward 20 new friends.
Moving her most important luggage; her
trunkful of memories.
waiting for housing;
waiting for orders;
waiting for deployment;
waiting FOR reunion;
waiting for phones calls;
waiting for the new curtains to arrive;
waiting for him to come home for
They call her "military dependent",
but she knows better...
She can balance a checkbook.
Handle the yard work.
Fix a noisy toilet...
As well as check the fluids in her car!
She is intimately familiar with drywall,
anchors, and toggle bolts.
She can file the taxes,
sell a house,
buy a car,
or set up a move...
all with ONE POA (Power of Attorney).
She welcomes neighbors that don't always welcome her.
She re-invents her career with every PCS;
locates a house in the desert,
the arctic, or the deep south, and learns to
call them all "home".
She MAKES them all home.
She is fiercely IN-dependent...
Military Wives are somewhat hasty;
They leap into decorating, leadership,
volunteering, career alternatives,
churches, and friendships.
They don't have 15 years to get to know
Their roots are short but flexible.
They plant annuals for themselves and
perennials for those who come after them.
Military Wives quickly learn to value each
They connect over coffee, rely on the
spouse-network, and accept offers of friendship
and favors... all the while recording addresses in pencil.
Military Wives have a common bond.
The Military Wife has a husband unlike other husbands.
His commitment is unique...
He doesn't have a job,
he has a "mission" he can't
just decide to quit...
He's on-call for his country 24/7,
but for military wives, their husband is the most unreliable
guy in town!
His language is foreign:
... so, a Military Wife is also a translator for her
family and friends.
She is the long-distance link to keep them
informed, the glue that holds them together.
A military wife has her moments...
She wants to wring his neck,
dye his uniform pink, and
refuse to move to Siberia.
But she always pulls herself together.
Give her a few days, a travel brochure, a
long hot bath, a pledge to the flag, and a
... And she goes. She packs. She moves.
Why? What for? How come? You may think it is
because she has lost her mind.
But, actually it is because she has lost her
It was stolen from her by a man.
Who puts duty first.
Who longs to deploy.
Who salutes the flag.
And, whose boots in the doorway remind her
that as long as he is her Military husband,
She will remain his Military wife....
THAT is what a military wife IS!
Sunday, September 28, 2008
So on another note..I watched the season starter for Grey's Anatomy. I was planning to switch it over at 10 pm so I could watch the season starter for ER, but it just did not happen. What the hell happened to Izzy? Did she kill herself? Why did Denny finally see her dress? That was a twist and a trip. I'm not a huge fan of Grey's, but this one just got my attention. Yes, I will be tuning in next week.
Sebastian has started to babble. He has not yet tried to crawl, but he is definitely mobile. He will lie on his stomach and roll all over the place. He stands well when assisted, but won't get on his knees yet. He looks like he is doing a girls push up, and then says Ba Ba Ba Ba...It's funny to see!
Carter had his wooohooo clipped on Friday. Yes, he is now a she. And he is mad at me. LOL He has finally come to me, and it is Sunday. He sleeps in the crib with Sebastian or he will sleep on the end of Chase's bed..but no where near me. I think he is getting over it now. We shall see if he starts to torture me again. Then I will feel loved.
OK, it is now 7 pm so I'm going to scoot and get the boys showered and into bed. Night all.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
But I'm really tired today so I am heading to bed.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
It seems he is friends with a Dr. Goldner out there whom he asked if Chase should be on this particular medication or not. Well, this Dr. apparently told him that it would be OK for him to lower his dosage. Without consulting myself or Chase's ADHD Dr, he took it upon himself and did so. So instead of 15 mgs a day, Chase was taking 5. It was a great conversation that I will type out tomorrow on here. I think everyone needs to see and hear this. Because he has absolutely no concept at all that his decrease in medication and then sudden increase in medication because I was giving him his regular dosage is most likely what caused the problems Chase was having in the first place. I told him I was going to contact this Dr to get her records and he said...No...I didn't take him in for an appointment, I just talked to her about it. I am still going to call her.
And then as if dealing with his texts all day was not enough, Chase did not get off the bus. He wasn't paying attention or something and the bus left with him on it. So when I got down there, he was not there. I did panic. I put Squeaky in the car and off we went to the school. Mr. Rioux called the bus office and they told him that the bus driver just dropped Chase off at the house. Great! But I'm not there. Luckily I left the door unlocked so Chase could get in. I told Mr. Rioux I was not happy and that Chase will be a parent pick up from now on. This is the third time this bus driver has screwed up regarding Chase and I won't let it happen again. So I will go in and give details tomorrow morning.
Right now I am going to take a hot shower because my neck is just killing me.
Monday, September 22, 2008
But we did talk about what is going on with Chase. The little mood swings, the bed wetting and the clamming up when he really wants to talk about things. He stated he understands my frustrations, and I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt..but it won't happen. Too many times we have discussed things with Chase that he has turned around and used against me for his own purposes. But I double dog dare him to drag me into court on this one. I really do. And I was correct on the medication issue with Chase. He told me that he *spoke to a medical professional out here who said Chase should not be on this medication*. So he was not giving him the medication as was told by Chase's Dr here.
Go figure. No one reading this is surprised. I should have challenged him and asked who he spoke to but I am just not up for the fight tonight.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Friday, I had a date with my son. He took Mommy to a Medieval Dinner at the Little Theatre on Broad Street. That was a lot of fun. Squeaky stayed with my in laws while Chase and I were out. We had a nice dinner of baked chicken with stuffing and red potatoes. Lots of Ale..I think Joanna and Mary who sat at our table had waaayy to much of it *wink*..followed by Bread Pudding and a cookie. The Honey Butter for the rolls was really good so I will be looking for that recipe to use for hubby one night. We picked up Squeaky and off to the house we went to pass out.
Saturday was pretty relaxing in the morning. Then it was off to Karate. Karate went well and I am wondering if Chase will be testing again in the near future. He seems to be able to keep his concentration a tiny bit better, but not too much. And from there we went to the Killingly Cooks celebration at Davis Park. Had some really good pizza and pulled pork. Walked around and looked at Arts and Crafts, drug Chase away from kittens...and he played for a good hour on one of those bouncer house things. And then off to the house where Chase's friend Amanda came over and they played until about 7pm. In for a movie and off to bed again. Sound asleep by 9.
Today, Jonah came over at about 0700. His Mom works every other weekend so I told her I wouldn't mind watching him for her. Plus Chase would like the company. And honestly, they do play together pretty well. I had to separate them a few times, but all was good. A few toys lost in the mayhem yet nothing serious. I managed to get some chores done and smell simmering ribs and collared greens as well. Yes, we are having a small get together with Devin, Jonah and their parent's. Ribs, Sweet Potato Crunch, Collared Greens and Corn Bread. Yum.
OK, I'm going to scoot and get the Crunch cooking. Night all.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
This is where my day takes a twist. I pulled up the latest credit reports to take a look at them and make sure everything is going well there. Credit scores are up a smidge..that's good. So I head to the drawer and pull out the credit report I received from the finance guy we were going through when we decided to buy a house. And I'm looking and notice something for City of Danielson. Now, it's paid off..but still on the credit report. Call to find out what it is, and it is a smudge because of taxes that were overdue on a vehicle from my brother in law. So since the vehicle is still in my husband's name I text my brother in law and ask him when he gets paid to please change the title over to his name. He states he needs a bill of sale from Jim. I ask what needs to be on it because I can do that. I have his Power of Attorney. At this point he starts freaking out and telling me he doesn't need this shit and he is just going to leave the truck in front of my house and Jim and I can do whatever in the hell we want with it. So anyone want to buy a nice Ford Explorer? Cash please.
This whole conversation ends with him telling me to *F*ck off* which is the worst thing in the world you can say to me. I will never speak to him again until I get a serious apology for that one. I told him that he needed to grow up and not make me the bad person because I am making sure my husband's affairs are in order. It is left at that. So if this stupid truck shows up on my doorstep tomorrow I will go pay the taxes on it, and I will put a For Sale sign in the window. Because I will not be treated like this for protecting my husband's name and credit record.
So that dealt with, I check out the mail I picked up today. OK, a bill..put that with the one's I will write checks for. But what is this Capital One card? It's not any numbers we have. So I call them and the original address is our Germany one. Well, long story short..apparently every once in awhile the closed credit cards will generate the yearly finance fees and open the account up again. Which is what happened to this card. So we had a 200 dollar credit limit with 178 used on a credit card they would not let us open up again in the first place. Credits all reversed, zero balance, card closed..all done with that spot fire.
Then, I went online and found plane tickets for 430 per person. So I call the gal I do all our travel through. She calls back and quotes 750. I explain I just found on Travelocity..so she does some more research. And we get our tickets today for 1050 all together. And this is the cool part. We get to stay for 2 extra days with my family for the same price. So Chase will miss only a few days of school, but he can see my parents for a little while as well. YAY! So as soon as I remember what days and times I will get them posted.
Something else happened today as well, but I'm drawing a blank. So I am going to go upstairs and TRY to stay awake for my Thursday shows tonight. And yes, it really is Thursday~!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
I spoke with Mrs. Lukason as well about the issues at hand. I have spoken with her on many occasions and it never occured to me she was the school Social Worker. Odd how you don't know a lot around that school. It's like being a complete stranger around my son's education. So for the next few weeks I will be patting him down before he leaves for the bus. Which I hate, but I will do it for his continued educational purposes.
Also, I found a place nearby that sells hay bales! So today I went and picked one up with the new car. Yes, I got an entire bale of hay in the trunk of the car. So I got it, placed it on the porch, went and vacuumed the trunk out, went home and placed pumpkins and small gourds out around the hay and even had time to wait at the bus stop to get Chase. I kid you not, I could pick him up at 1500 and be home by 1515..or wait for the bus and get him in the house by 1545 maybe!!
Nothing more from the DCF caseworker, so I am wondering where that is going. Wow...my neck is killing me from thinking about that. Im going to go watch my Thursday night shows! Nighty!
*For the record, after I got upstairs and started to flip channels I realized it was Wednesday. Yes, I really want the weekend already.*
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Picked up diapers today. And wipes. And anything essential to cleaning asses, I swear. But I finished up there and off to the house we went. Got everything put away. Did a load of laundry. Cleaned my floors. Played with Squeaky. Did a little more cleaning. And then loaded baby into the car and waited for Chase at the bust stop. From there we took off out past Brooklyn to find an apple orchard. Couldn't find the one I was looking for and GPS was not working for some reason. So I took a back road and ended up in Pomfret. Where we found another little roadside stand. Picked up two corn husks things that are now displayed on my front porch. And 5 little pumpkins to be proud of. Next thing I will get is a bale of hay and some REALLY big pumpkins. And I will post pictures of my little scarecrows with it.
Then home, and 2 sheets of math homework which took I SWEAR 3 hours. Finally got that done, got the boys bathed and in bed..and now this..and I'm really tired.
Monday, September 15, 2008
She sat face to face with Chase in front of myself and very calmly explained to him that he will still be punished for the things he does wrong. He will still get spankings on the butt. His hand will still be swatted if he does something incorrect. And she will not come out for that. Because it is good punishment. Not bad. He looked a little upset. And then he asked her if he would be taken away from me. She said only if I hurt him really bad. He said good..because he would really miss me if she took him away. I am grateful she covered that with him, and his attitude has improved since that talk.
So, I put the boys in the car and we headed to the bus garage. Picked up the backpack. Grabbed McDonald's on the way home. Yes, I know it's bad for you, but I didn't have time to cook anything. Karate is on Monday, Thursday and Saturday. We have to be at the school by 1745 so he can prepare his belt and what not. So, dinner is eaten and quick homework done. Get ready for Karate and off we go. Now I am home, boys are in bed asleep..And I sit and write.
The phone call. I went today to register the PT Cruiser in CT and I was not allowed too. Because apparently we are behind in our property taxes. So I head down to Danielson Town Hall and speak to the lady behind the counter. Well, we owe taxes on three vehicles and our sewer. That would be great IF we had THREE vehicles and A sewer. Come to find out, it is my in laws sewer and two of their vehicles. Now the third vehicle is indeed in Jim's name. But it is not supposed to be. So off to the phone I go to get the email address for my Brother in Law. I shared with Jim he could handle that one...Hehe
Anyhow..I have been working on Chase's Halloween Costume and it looks really cute so far. I will make sure I post pictures when he wears it for everyone to see. Right now, I'm pooped so I am heading to bed.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
My day started at 0500 with a little voice saying.."Mom, can I have some ice cream"?. No, no ice cream. It is 0500 in the morning. Your alarm does not go off for another hour and a half. Go back to bed, go back to sleep. "Mom, can I watch cartoons in here please"? Fine, watch cartoons. But please be quiet and do not wake up your brother. So on goes cartoons. At 0500 in the morning. Out goes Mom for about 15 more minutes. When I feel my bed shake. And I am wide awake. Tired, but wide awake.
I watched the news to see what the weather was supposed to be like. Back to cartoons. In to Chase's room I go, collect the appropriate clothing, tell Chase to get dressed. I get ignored. Count to three, I still get ignored. Turn off the cartoons, I get yelled at. I correct him with a steady, calm quiet voice. Do not wake up Sebastian. Get dressed and then you can watch cartoons again until I am done showering. Again, a tantrum ensues. I repeat myself a little louder this time and tell him if the tantrum continues, no cartoons at all. FINE. I get yelled at. I peek on baby, who is stirring. But still asleep. Walk into my room again to get my clothes together, cartoons are on and pajamas are still on a certain boy. But his clothes have made it to the floor by the bed next to him. I calmly walk over and turn off the TV, and start to dress him to make my point. He starts to yell at me again about he can dress himself and I yell..FINE..THEN DO IT. I am angry and go into the bathroom. Argument number 1.
While in the shower, I hear Sebastian fussing. So I quickly finish up, get dried off and get dressed. Open the bathroom door to see Chase, jeans..no socks or shirt..standing next to the crib playing with Sebastian. I ask him to please go finish getting dressed and make sure his upstairs stuff is done (bed made, dirty clothes in laundry, let me do his hair) and I am again yelled at. "I will do it in a minute Mom, I am playing with Sebastian". *Deep breathe* No, go do it all now while I change Sebastian and get him dressed for the day. FINE, and the stomp off into my room. I change Squeaky, get him into clothes for the day..go brush my hair in the bathroom, get our vitamins out for the day, and get everything ready to take the boys downstairs. I call for Chase, no answer. Chase..Come here. No answer. Count to three..no answer. So I walk into my room to find him watching cartoons again. Still not fully dressed. Nothing of his morning routine done. So I again turn off the cartoons. I again listen to the tantrum. This time I inform him there will be NO cartoons for the rest of the morning. Get him dressed, get dirty clothes put away, make sure bed and room are cleaned, do his hair and off we all go downstairs. Argument Number 2.
Downstairs he asks, can I make a bowl of cereal. Yes, you may. Remember to put the milk away. So he prepares the cereal, while I make Sebastian's bottle. Chase, please do not open a new box of cereal. Use the one that is already opened, it is the same cereal as what you have in your hand. Little fight over that one until I take the box out of his hand and put the already opened one in his hand. Problem solved, milk in..off he goes to the table in the living room. Bottle prepared, dishes in hot water to soak for a bit until I get back from bus stop. Various chores get done right now. Garbage's all taken out to dumpster. Newspaper brought in from porch. Emails from my Husband peeked at to see if there is any emergency replies needed. Diaper bag prepared for the day. Sebastian gets shots today so I am not sure how long we will be away from the house. All squared away. Into the living room to catch Chase watching TV and not eating his cereal.
Turn off the TV, to listen to another tantrum about "MOM, I WAS WATCHING THAT!" No, I told you no more cartoons this morning because you will not listen to me. "I will listen to you Mom!" It is too late, you chose your path for the morning. I sit him at the table to eat his cereal. TV off. It is very nice and quiet. Chase is eating. Sebastian is having his bottle. I am drinking my bottled water. Chase tells me he is done. Did you drink your milk in the bowl. Yes. What did you say, I did not hear you? YES, he yells at the top of his voice. Sebastian is done with his bottle, I get up and put him on his play gym so I can finish up the last few things to be done. Milk is not drank, so I tell Chase to finish his milk. "NO, I WILL NOT DRINK THAT SHIT!" And I popped him with the back of my hand at that very moment. Not hard, like you would a toddler on the diaper. But because of how I popped him, and his loose tooth that is sticking out I catch it all just right. My pointer finger knuckle has a small chunk missing out of it. I also caught Chase's upper lip a little bit. Enough to get the venous part bleeding. To scare me to death. To freak Chase out because he could taste the blood in his mouth. Was it a huge cut? No. Was I upset. Very much so. But what feeling did I have the most? Disappointment. I am a much better Mother than this. I have never let my temper get the best of me in the almost 8 years Chase has been on the face of this earth. I have never hit my child out of anger. Never.
So I got him cleaned up. I cleaned up my knuckle as well. Got him upstairs, brushed his teeth and sent him downstairs to read while I got it together. He left the bathroom, I shut the door and I cried. I am sure he knew I was crying. But I did. And I scolded myself for doing what I did. I heard Sebastian fussing, so I got myself together and headed downstairs. Got Chase's shoes on and tied. Then I sat him down face to face and apologized for doing what I did. I also explained I should have never popped him in the mouth, and that it will never happen again. I told him as well that he really needed to stop and think before he opened his mouth or made choices. That he needed to start doing as he was told and stop arguing with me. "OK Mommy, I am sorry." I am sorry as well.
Off to school I take him as we missed the bus because of all the issues this morning. I give him a big hug and kiss, check his lip again to make sure we don't have to go to the Dr and into school he goes. I start to cry again. How am I feeling? Sad that I let my son get the best of me. Drop off my Brother in Law's birthday card. Check the mail at the Post Office. Call and reschedule WIC appointment for 1315. Off we head to the Dr's office for Sebastian's 6 month well check. All looks good, shots are given to my littlest man and to home we go. I am thinking on the way home I can make a special dinner for Chase to say I am sorry. And maybe we can rent a movie if there are any good kids ones out right now.
Get home. Sebastian falls asleep so I take advantage of the time and log on to see if Jim is online. No husband, so I check my emails and respond where necessary. While doing this I hear a pounding at the door. Hmmm I think, I wonder if the neighbor needs something. No one visits me at home during the day, and I know it is too late for the mailman to make a delivery.
A small blonde woman at the door with a notepad and briefcase. "Mrs. Meston?" Yes, but I am Mrs. Meston-Kelley. "My name is ***********, and I am with DCF." DCF? What is DCF? And then the light comes on. DCF, as in Department of Children and Family Services? "Yes, we are here to investigate yourself for possible child abuse." What? My mind is racing..what could she be talking about? And then the pop in the mouth comes to mind. Wait, are you talking about my popping Chase in the mouth this morning? "So you admit you hit your son?" Yes. I did. I backhanded my son in the mouth this morning.
And so the interrogation begins. "Are you stressed Mrs. Kelley?" Yes. I have a child with ADHD who has been taken off the medication by his Dr. I have a spouse who is in a war zone 6000 miles away. I have an ex spouse who only contacts us when he wants to start a fight or take us to court. I am basically a single Mother of two boys who are very busy. I am lonely without my husband. I have not held him since last March when my youngest was born. I solely take care of bills, the house chores, the car and anything that comes up. I am a Military Wife. I deal with things as they come at me. Yes, I have a few stresses in my life.
"Do you have family support?" Yes. My husband's family is right here in Danielson and Norwich. I can call them whenever I need something. But I am an old Mother. It is my job to take care of my children, and to deal with all aspects of their lives until my husband comes home. "Is there anywhere Chase can stay the night tonight as he is afraid to come home?" Yes. I called my Mother in Law at this time and asked where they were. At the boat. Can you please come home and get Chase. He needs to spend the night with you. DCF is here because I popped Chase in the mouth thing morning and they reported me. "We are on the way." Within 10 minutes of this call, my Sister in Law showed up. I called the school to have them add her to the pick up roster so she could get him. She said we could not do that over the phone. I replied that since you called DCF and I have them sitting in my living room, it is the LEAST you could do right now for my family. No more argument, name added to roster. Within 10 minutes of my Sister in Law's arrival, my Brother in Law showed up in the ambulance. He was working and made it a point to show up for family support. Thank you. My Sister in Law went and picked up Chase at school and brought him to the house so that the DCF worked could see how he interacted with me. I again started to cry.
He came into the house, hung up his backpack and came over and hugged me. And sat on my lap. And told me he loved me. And I cried. "Now he is now is nothing like how he was at school." Of course not. He had I don't know how many strangers asking him a billion questions regarding how I was as a parent. I am sure he gave answers that he felt they wanted to hear. I know this because he has done it with me. Chase, I don't want you to tell me what you think I am want to hear. I want you to tell me the truth.
Have I by chance mentioned that they did a full body search of my son without me present? "Where did he get the bruise on his bottom?" What bruise? What is this lady talking about? I don't know of any bruises on my son's body as I have been trying to really teach him about privacy. I have been trying my best to get him to shower with the door shut. To teach him to dress and undress in his room. That his body is his temple and no one else should see it but him. And then it occurs to me..Wait. She saw my son naked. "Oh, I don't do body searches without other people present." So this means to me that there were several people in the room who forced my son to undress and be naked? Why have I spent all these years teaching him privacy when people like this will come along and force him to undress against his will? "Well, if it makes you feel better he really didn't want to do it." No, that does not make me feel better at all. You still FORCED him to get undressed. And then you make me feel like an unfit mother because he has a bruise I am unaware of on his body. How do I feel? Outraged. How dare you FORCE my son to undress and search his body WITHOUT my PRESENCE and CONSENT!
"Where did the bruise come from?" Karate. He has Karate classes 3 days a week. "I thought Karate was a no contact sport?" He spars. "Don't they use protective gear?" For his hands, feet and head. I showed her the gear. "But what about a wooden spoon?" What? "A wooden spoon, he mentioned one." Yes, I have threatened to use a wooden spoon on him but I never have. Now, in hindsight I remember he has had a wooden spoon used on him before. My ex Mother in Law would use it on Chase and his cousins in Oregon. I did approach my ex spouse about this. He denied it happened. I explained he needed to go to his Mother's home and look in the side of her chair between the cushion and the side. There would be a wooden spoon there. He did. It was. They are not allowed to watch Chase anymore. Chase a 4 when this happened. How do I feel? Angry. That someone would not even call me from the school and let me know these events were unraveling so I would be able to at least defend myself.
I show this DCF worker the folder in my filing cabinet showing her the battle I have dealt with from my ex spouse over the last year. Oddly, I just weeded it out on Monday. So all that is in there is paperwork from the last year. And this folder is almost 3 inches thick. I show her the notebook I have kept with all the emails, text messages and phone conversation notes in it from my ex spouse. She then tells me she has to contact Mr. Meston to let him know what is going on. I explain, are you aware that if you do that..we will end up knee deep in yet another court battle? I compound this to her. Over and over I reiterate what will happen. "Well, wouldn't you want to know what is happening to your son if he were over in Oregon?" There is a difference, I say. If it happened in Oregon, it would be intentional. And I go into the story of what has already happened. That I am angry as hell she is sitting in my living room over a very minor offense when I tried to get ANYONE to go check on my son during the summer. "What happened over the summer?" My son called me terrified, from the bushes on the side of his father's home. Did you call the police? Yes. What did they do? Nothing, because I was potentially just a vindictive ex wife trying to cause problems. My son needed to call 911. I called DCF in Oregon. They would not do a Welfare Check on my son because I did not have a Police File number. How the hell am I going to get a file number if the police will not even check on my son? Seriously now. "I am sorry that happened to you Mrs. Kelley. Again, I tell her we will end up in court again.
So at this time I have all of my in laws from Danielson in my home. My family support is there. They all know what is going on. "Can I talk in front of them?" Yes, I have nothing to hide. I am a damn good Mother. Do I feel like I am at this point? No. Do I feel like my world is unraveling and I am going to lose my children? Yes. Do I feel lost? Yes. Do I feel human? No. She has me do a survey that is required. While I am doing this survey, my Sister in Law is taking her through my home. I hear them, and she is complimenting how very clean my house is. And the pictures. So many pictures. My home feels so warm and welcoming. Meanwhile, I am answering questions. Do I feel stressed? Yes. Have I used drugs in the past 6 months? No. Have I drank in the past 6 months? Yes. If yes, how much? Twice. Have I felt suicidal? Never. Am I stupid and paying my penance for it? Yes.
My entire visit lasted a little over 4 hours. The conclusion? Chase left to spend the night with my in laws. When he figured out he could not get away with not minding, he was home and in bed by 2030. My Husband called myself from Iraq. I asked him to call Chase at my in laws. He did so, and called me back. Told me he basically ignored everything that was said. He also shared with me that Chase told him "Mommy hit me so hard I almost swallowed my tooth."
I was informed I can not physically reprimand my children. OK, not a problem. I am to seek counseling for myself and Chase. Not a problem. I did that the same day. Chase has an appointment with United Services October 8th. I am going to contact the base in Groton to see what is available for myself due to my husband being deployed. And I will do that on Monday. I missed my WIC appointment so I am hoping they will be open on Monday as well.
Now, how do I feel as a Mother at this moment two days later? Judged. Watched. Abusive. Useless. Violated. Angry. Tearful. Unable to do anything with my son regarding getting him under control. How is he acting? Like he is in charge. Rightfully so I might add. He knows I can do nothing to him. He has pointed out that he will call that lady and I will get in trouble. Now, I understand why there are 16 year olds getting pregnant. Has our society fallen into such that we can not even reprimand our children without potential jail time? I understand why the kids act as they do. I am a Mother with absolutely no control over my child now, and he knows this.
So this case will remain open for the next 41 days. They will decide if something needs to happen, if they need to be involved. Or whether this is an unsubstantiated claim or not. I will be on pins and needles. This will work very well with my ulcer. My son will be completely out of control. Because he knows he can be. I will suffer, Sebastian will suffer. I will try to speak to his ADHD Dr on Monday, but I do not know how effective that will be.
And I, as a Mother..can do absolutely nothing about this except jump through DCF's hoops now and pray my son's are not removed from my home.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
But I also see it from my husband's perspective. We are doing great things for a country that would otherwise still be having massive problems. Yes, it seems after six years we have gone nowhere with our assistance. Yes, it seems after six years we have lost too many soldiers. Yes, after six years we have spent billions on a war some see as *not ours*.
But we have built schools. We have assisted children with educations they would never have otherwise. We are teaching a nation to stand on it's own two feet. We are building a strong allie. We are making a country stronger in itself by standing on it's ground. We are making a very positive change for this country.
People have stated Bush just wanted a war. Mother's who supported the war now protest after a loss of child. People talk about our invading Iraq for the oil. It is the human nature to change our minds. But I will not.
I will support my Soldier even in death should need be. I will announce his love for this country. I will make sure the world knows should something happen to my Soldier..He loved the USA. I will never protest the war. I will never complain about his being there. Because what he is doing compared to what I am doing..there is NO comparison.
His fighting on foreign ground allows my children the safety to walk along the streets. It allows me the piece of mind to know they are safe.
And should I deal with the ultimate sacrifice..I will announce I married a Soldier.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Someone asked me this evening whether or not I was upset with them on something because of my rant blogs here and there. I must clarify for those who do not know me well, if I am upset..I will speak my mind to you. My rant blogs are simply for two reasons:
1. To help me better clear my mind and thoughtfully process how to speak to that person without coming across as angry and vindictive;
2. To calm my nerves before I speak as to control my temper.
I have stepped into shit storms before in my life, and I hate with all my heart to drop them on people I consider friends. Now, another thing I as well know..Not everyone will listen to me. And I can accept that fact. I spoke my mind, I feel better..I move on. All is simple for myself. If it gets to the point where it consumes me in thought and affects my life..I really move on. I will let you know I am offended, it is bothering me too much..and I leave. And when I am better situated mentally, I will let you know. But to be honest that has only happened a few times in my life and I personally still don't speak to those people. Too much baggage and I like to travel light.
Everyone has their thoughts and their opinions. I can respect that. I can also tell you when it is time to end a certain conversation. All I can say to people is "Educate yourself before you open your mouth". I did my homework, and I continue to do it as well.
Nothing irritates an Army Wife worse than someone who tells us that we are in Iraq for the oil.
Trust me on this.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
I did nothing but run chores yesterday, I swear. And then there was the ever loving fight to get homework done. And a fight it was. I actually got so mad at Chase I had to walk away and scream. He really pushes and pushes me. And he kept pushing me. For three and a half hours we fought to get 4 pages done. What did it take to get it finished? I scared him with the threat of a wooden spoon. He knew then I was not kidding around and finished up fast. We hurried to get dinner eaten and off to Karate we went. He did pretty well there, but some serious fidgety issues ensued.
Today, I took Chase to the bus stop and off he went. And off I went. I spoke with Jim for a little bit on the computer, and then cleaned what I missed yesterday. And finished some of the laundry. I also managed to make it down to the consignment shop where I take Squeaky and Chase's clothes when they outgrow them. I had 43.00 on my account..so I stocked up Squeaky with some serious winter stuff. Now I just need to find the standing baby carrier thing. That would come in really handy with traveling on the plane.
I still havent heard from her about tickets. Maybe I should call her tomorrow. Squeaky's 6 month well check has been moved to Friday as well. So I should be able to post then how big he is getting. He's eating cereal once a day and either a fruit or veggie once a day. Its better when I dont mix them. He's not gurfing as much that way.
Ok, I need to take a really hot shower and get some sleep.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
So instead, I used free child labor. I put Chase to work with chores. I showed him exactly how things needed to be done. I made him clean the toilets he has a tendency to pee all over instead of in. He did not like that, I might add. He moved laundry up and down the stairs. He helped vacuum and sweep. He took garbage's out. And come bedtime he was indeed tired.
Right now I am going to scoot so I can edit pictures from the Woodstock Fair Demo for the DMAA. Night all.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
So my son's Dr has decided to take him off all his medication. Since Chase is not reacting the way he should be with the medication, and apparently has such a flat affect to him Dr Herklotz believes Chase may have depression. So we go for quite awhile without medication. I am to call Dr Herklotz in a few weeks and share what has happened with him.
If I survive it. I pre-ordered the third book in the Eragon series for Jim. That should be mailed out to me soon. And then I can get it to Jim. Who is eagerly awaiting it.
But for right now, I'm heading upstairs to bed because I have a horrible headache coming on.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Another picture of my niece. She was watching him make her name at this time.
The ever so strong big brother playing patty cake with little brother.
My Mother enjoying a little foot time with Squeaky. She was trying her hardest to keep him from eating the flowers above his head. When I walked over there I distracted her long enough he almost reached his goal.
I just thought these were the cutest grave stones. They are in Ripley's Believe it or Not on Fisherman's Wharf.
The picture's above are from behind the mirror at Ripley's. It asks simple things like *Can you roll your tongue?* or, *Can you touch the tip of your tongue to your nose?* Sitting on the back side watching was really a lot of fun!!
The picture below is just a bridge. But the walls roll around you. So while you are walking across the bridge your entire equalibrium gets thrown off. And I had to rush so I wouldn't fall on my butt.
The Rainforest Cafe. This is one of the coolest restaruants anyone could ever go too. I loved taking my Mom and the kids. They had sooo much fun and there was sooo much to look at. And the best part is..We enjoy ourselves and 25% of our meal ticket goes towards the Rainforest itself.
My Mommy caught me being a Mommy. And did you see the desert we got the kids? Yeah...Sugar rush is a light word for it.
Alcatraz. Home of some of the most notorious criminals. We did not get to do the tour this time, but hopefully when Sebastian is a little older we will make the trip again.
The fog rolling into San Francisco. It was sooo cool. This is my very first time seeing this happen.
This was on the other side of the Golden Gate Bridge. It was like a scene from *The Mist*. I was just waiting for some seriously big bugs to appear.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
I am also tired of listening to people whine and complain. My mother once told me that if you act a certain way..people will treat you that way. So here it goes..
If you feel he may have cheated on you, he probably already has. He is just better at covering his tracks than you are investigating. And why investigate? You will just teach him to be sneakier.
If you are idiotic enough to believe her when she says all the problems are because of you. Well, then you are idiotic enough to deserve whatever she dishes out. How much are you willing to endure for what you think is Love? And seriously? When ever has Love made you feel completely worthless as a human being?
If you are really happy about being single, stop whining to people that you are so lonely! Get off your ass and PROCLAIM you are happy! Don't whine about the Friday nights you spend home alone with your gallon of Haggen Daas Ice cream.
That leads me to another one. If you are unhappy being fat, DON'T WHINE ABOUT IT WHILE YOU EAT A TRIPLE BURGER WITH EXTRA LARGE FRIES AND A DOUBLE MILKSHAKE!
How can I say this politely? WTF! Seriously now! Get your fat, useless ass off the couch and get some freaking exercise!
And one last Whine of my own! For the love of green Pete! Don't borrow money from someone for bills and then turn around and brag about some new toy you bought when you have not even offered to pay someone back! Gag is all I can say. That right there will put a wedge in between people in a heart beat.
OK, now that I have all that off my back..I'm going to bed.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Im frustrated right now to the utmost with Chase. I can not for the life of me get him to listen to me. I know that my follow through is kind of crappy. It sucks because for so many years I was busy trying to coddle Chase. His father was such as ass to him I felt the need to kiss up and try to make things smoother for him. I guess now I am paying the price. I just have no idea what to do now.
Im sure the nieghbors think I beat him to death. I swear all I do is yell at him. I can not get him to look me straight in the eye at all. Ugh.
Ok, Im going to try now to get a little sleep before the alarm goes off.