Thursday, January 29, 2009


OK. I posted the above picture so everyone knows what I am speaking about. Yesterday I wrote a very powerful blog regarding my own cause. In the process of writing this blog someone posted a comment that I erased. And it was for several reasons. Apparently this picture that has been on my MySpace now for over 2 years has offended them. And if it has, I am sorry. But it is my page and I have this on there simply for the humor reasons. And to be frank with you, there are a lot worse things posted on my page than this. Which is the reasoning behind my not having a lot of my friends children added on as well.

Now let us get to the point of the word Retard. Yes, it is slang. Yes, it tends to be used predominantly in a nature to be offensive towards Developmentally Disabled people. HOWEVER, in the New American Webster College Dictionary it is stated just like this:

re-tard' (ri-tard) v.1 1, make slow or slower: obstruct. 2, defer: postpone.

And it goes on and lists retardant, retardation and retarded after it. And shall we move on a little?

re-tard'ate (re-tar-dat) n. a mentally retarded person.

Now no where in my little picture is it speaking of a Developmentally Disabled person. It is meant to poke fun at people just like me. Who, on some days really should just stay home. I have my retarded (slow) moments where I don't think before I speak. And frankly, there are a lot more of those people out there than there are Developmentally Disabled people.

And to finish this up, I will say this very clearly. The Developmentally Disabled people in this world are not at all the retarded ones. It is the *normal* people around them that think they are trying to protect the world by stopping this *slang* and banning certain words from society.

Words have more than one meaning. It is just how you utilize them that can be hurtful.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

What is your cause?

Lately I have been listening to a radio show in the mornings. It has a character named Kidd Kraddick on it, who is assisted by Kelly Raspberry and Al something or another. A few days ago one of the interns wrote a letter of confusion. They had just spoke with a kid named Darius who had lost his brother when he was about 10 years old. His story has humbled me and I was actually in tears the entire 35 minute drive to the sub base from our house. I'm putting a clip in this blog for all to see because he is a testament to a life that can be overcome. Darius is in a wheel chair people. He has Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. His brother died. Yet he graduated High School. He has traveled. He is raising awareness of his disease to millions everyday. He is simply amazing. I sit here in tears as I type this thinking of all the wasted time I have just thrown away. And how his time is limited and he is packing so much into it! *Just a note, I am still learning this whole embed process so I can not at this time get the interview video put on my blog.* *Ok...One more note. I am proud to announce I figured it out! YAY ME!!*

This is Darius's personal awareness website:

The letter that was written by the intern, Stefanie I believe, was so heartwarming. She stated that she was a self absorbed 27 year old. She stated she did not have a lot of money. She made excellent points about there are so many causes out there, which direction do I go? I love animals, but I only have a small apartment and I can't have pets there. So many causes. So little time. You wrote an excellent letter that most people feel deep down inside.

So in connection with her feelings and emotions I wanted to bring up a cause that I am going to start fighting for. And I really pray people jump on this band wagon and run wild with it. Because I can tell you from very personal experience the world is no longer the bright and shiny place it was when I was a child. People are so negative. Rude. Ignorant. They speak before they think. It's one for one, and piss on the rest of you. And it is sad.

I am raising two handsome boys in this world. I have a wonderful 8 year old son who is sensitive and so intelligent. And I am the proud mother of a 10 month old as well. I know that my oldest has jumped on this bandwagon because I have seen him do this with my own eyes. And the pride wells up in my heart. I love seeing that little boy hold the door for people. I love hearing him tell complete strangers Thank You, and Yes Ma'am or Sir. More children need to learn this respect. What they see their parents do is what they learn. You can not tell them one thing and do another. I see it all the time.

What do I call this cause? Chivalry. Manners. Positivity. Pay it forward. Yes, it is much more than a movie people. It should be a way of life just as it was when we were kids. With the respect our Grandparents worked so hard to earn. Stop your busy life and hold the door for someone. SMILE at them. Say hello to a complete stranger. Shake hands when you meet someone new. Treat each other with respect. It all goes both directions. Make someone smile today. And I bet you money that person will in turn make someone else smile.

Stop and think before you act. Too many people with too many excuses. If you are that miserable within your life and skin, TAKE A LOOK AT IT. Because chances are, you are the negative impact in your own life. Don't just take people, GIVE. Smiling at a complete stranger and saying hello does not cost you anything but the lack of wrinkles on your face down the road. Saying Thank You is surely not going to kill you, now is it?

Show compassion. Show love. Show the world that you can be your very own Force of Nature.

Give Impact.

Monday, January 26, 2009

We are going too...

So it is official now. We are heading to FT Leavenworth, Kansas in July. Jim will be heading out there sooner than that. He will PCS there April 23rd, and get our orders deferred until Chase is out of school and headed to his father's house for the summer. I will make the arrangements for the movers to come pack us up. And then Jim will fly out at the very end of June to grab Squeaky and I. And off on a road trip adventure we shall go. I'm hoping maybe we will drive the coast line so we can travel through the states I have not yet been too. Some of those states are Delaware, Maryland, the Virginia's, The Carolina's, Tennessee, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Arkansas, Oklahoma and Missouri. OK, those are the states I would like to travel through.

So far I have done well with the research. Lots of neat places to go. Only fears so far are ticks and tornado's. But I would rather learn to fly than learn to swim so I should be OK!!

OK, it's time to head off to bed. I'm tired.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Your Kidding, right?

So, as some of you know my ex signed a 90 day agreement stating he would show proof of purchasing airline tickets to pick up our son. Within this agreement it also states that he has a 2 week grace period to show this proof. Guess what? Today is the last day of his two weeks and he barely squeaked in his purchase of tickets. Within 20 minutes time of when he was supposed to purchase it.

But I will tell you all I am very proud of myself for standing up and refusing to help him with anything. He called to find out which airports he needed to fly into. I didn't answer the phone. I told him to do his own research, that he had the address. He asked when I could drop Chase off. I said I won't, he needed to get a rental car. I'm not catering to him anymore. I have done it too much in the past and it is not going to continue. If he expects me to drop Chase off he had better mail off some gas money. Because I won't do it otherwise.

I will also tell you that I have been a complete bitch to him the last few hours as well. I am finally dishing back to him what I have received. Just in bigger, right now doses. And the irony is this. I bet you money he won't say a word to me when Jim comes home from Germany. He won't even look Jim in the face. He's scared to death of Jim, and nice thing is that Jim will be with me from now on when we do these visit exchanges. Because I won't go alone anymore. I won't kiss my ex's ass anymore.

He has thoroughly burnt his bridge with me.

Thursday, January 22, 2009


Did the week go? It's freaking Friday tomorrow already. Just a small update that so far I have seen and heard nothing. So tomorrow I will write the *sorry it sucks to be you* email to the ex and blind copy it to the attorney.

And start making plans for the boys and I to take a small trip somewhere. Anywhere just to get out of the house. We haven't done anything like that since summer. And there are several states here *Vermont, Hew Hampshire and Maine* that I have not been to as of yet.

OK. It's Grey's night so I must go.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Pissing off the ex..

Is so much fun. Especially when I stand up for myself.

So last night he FINALLY called Chase to talk to him. Talked to him for about 5 minutes and then told Chase he wanted to talk to me. So he did. I said hello and he asked if we were splitting tickets again. I said no. The history is that when there was only one child to care for, he would pay for Chase's ticket and I would pay for mine. I would fly out there and spend time with my friends and family while Chase was visiting his father. I would get Chase and we would fly home. It seemed cheaper with the exception that I was doing all the traveling. And it's wearing on me. I've been doing this now for almost 3 years. Out of all the trips to Oregon, his father has flown out 2 times to pick him up. So that would be 2 times out of 9 trips. Time for him to pull his weight.

So I said no. I explained that I am tired of doing all the work for his visitation and that it is time for him to pull his own weight. He said OK and started to argue about saving money. I said OK, if you want me to do all the flying for these trips then you can pay for Chase's round trip plane ticket and half of my round trip ticket. And then I will pay for our luggage. And I will not complain. Nothing. He hung up on me. Very mature thing to do. So now he is mad at me because I am going to force him to pull his own weight. Oh, that and I reminded him he signed a 90 day agreement so he has to show proof by this Saturday he purchased the tickets as well. Not a happy man. I don't think he reads any of the paperwork he signs.

So we shall see. If he fails to show proof by Saturday we will be purchasing a plane ticket to bring Jim home from Germany a week early.

Now, my other gripe. *lol* If you are paid to plow some one's driveway to clear out all the snow..Wouldn't it be smart to not plow the person in? The ding dong plowed our driveway and piled all the snow up in front of my car. So I not only had to dig my way out, but I also had to go back and forth about 5 times to even get the car up that same little hill I slid down so easily. Damn, I hate this weather.

OK, I smell something not so flowery crawling past me so I must go.

Saturday, January 17, 2009


Have you ever tried to type without using your thumb and forefinger before? I don't mean chicken pecking like my husband does..but actual 100 wpm typing? It just does not happen in this house. My blisters are now gaping holes, all along the healing process according to Matt. It looks awful, otherwise I would post a picture.

Last night was calm in our household. Chase and I did a little scrap booking together, I finished a picture collage of Sebastian for the house. I do have to go to Michaels today while Chase is in Karate class though. I'm going to see if I can find another mat and a frame. Now I'm wishing I would have saved that 40% off coupon. It's OK. I can just buy something small and get the coupon again..hehehe. I know. Treacherous.

But other than that I really seem to have things back on track and under control. I still have not heard from Chase's father regarding Spring Break so I will be working on that letter this week. OK, I hear a midget yelling at me so I must scoot.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Got sleep?

So I have been tired as all get out for the last few days and nights. Baby is not sleeping. Well, last night he let me sleep from midnight to 5 so I was pretty happy about that. I'm not sure why he is having a tough time sleeping, but I'm thinking whiskey on his gums..JUST KIDDING!

My fingers are healing well. The blisters popped and that hurt like the dickens. So now it looks worse than it feels finally. But at the rate I am going, cutting off my right hand is probably the way to go at this time. This morning I cut it up pretty good in the driveway. How did that happen I hear you ask? Well, I have this morning routine when they have these stupid parking bans..I park down below and about 15 minutes before we are supposed to leave I pull the car up front and let it warm up. Which works great. Except today when I was walking down the little hill and stepped on what I personally thought was gravel. And SWOOSH! Down the hill to the front of my car flat on my freaking back. I'm sure the neighbors found great humor in this. Nah, most of em were probably still sleeping. And Ulo was off to work already.

So after I got my car started, moved up front and dignity back in tact I headed inside to assess the damages. Yes, right hand is all torn up. Ass will be sore later. Did I hit my head? I don't know. I'll figure that out later when it hurts. But off to school I took Chase and back home to deal with my stuff. So home I go where I proceed to clean up the floors. I have this thing about my floors lately. With baby crawling I have to have them clean as heck. We went somewhere when we were in Oregon, I think it was a consignment shop or something..but DAMN...Baby had black hands, knees and the tops of his feet...Yeah..I threw away that pair of socks.

OK, I shall return later to write some more. Or maybe I will write tomorrow.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Grateful for snow?

Well, I won't write much tonight as I attacked myself with a hot glue gun today. But seriously. I was scrap booking with the baby crawling around on the floor. I went to glue something and dropped the glue gun. Only to grab it with my fingertips because I was unsure exactly where the baby was on the floor below me. My right hand pointy and thumb are killing me right now.

For once, I was grateful for the snow. But the neighbors looked at me like I was nuts for scooping snow into a little baggy. And by the time I had to pick up Chase from school, I was freaking freezing to death. My fingers are feeling a little better right now, but every time I warm up they hurt like the dickens.

OK, I'm going to go watch a movie while I wait for Chase to get home from Karate.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Ugh. More snow.

Yes. More snow. More than I really care to deal with. Because I could personally care less about snow. But I am coping.

Good news!! Jim is back in Hohenfels and as we speak he is with Reedy. One of our trusted friends that I think the world of. He's a good guy, as is Country who is the other evil secret sharer that is there. Hehee. They are all going to laugh at that. But he is out of there *Iraq* and I'm happy about it. He had a rough go though when he got to Hohenfels. Apparently they lost the keys to his room in the barracks. And they had to call the MP's to get him in. Now on Monday he has to go get a set of keys for his room. Oh, and to top off the highly pissed off spouse list: I went out of my way to get Jim this awesome Welcome Home Banner to hang as he arrived in Hohenfels..What did his Rear D do? The freaking handed it to him! Am I pissed? Yes I am!!

But something that has been on my mind a lot lately is the term "emotional detachment".

The definitions are as follows:

In the first meaning, it refers to an inability to connect with others on an emotional level, as well as a means of coping with anxiety by avoiding certain situations that trigger it; it is often described as "emotional numbing" or dissociation.

In the second sense, it is a type of mental assertiveness that allows people to maintain their boundaries and psychic integrity when faced with the emotional demands of another person or group of persons..

My reasoning for bringing this up tonight is the simple fact that I have seen many people use this as a crutch. A coping mechanism of sorts. I spoke with several people today who admitted to using this term while in a relationship to help them adjust with certain situations. Some were lied to way to much. Others knew that the relationship was headed nowhere. I personally took note I use it when my husband is about to leave for long periods of time. Because for myself it is easier to be angry at him when he leaves, than it is to just say goodbye. Sad, but true.

I also took note that a lot of my friends shared that it is easier to become emotionally detached with a loved one than with a lover. With a lover there is no reason to be fearful of rejection. You know it is bound to happen eventually. So you allow yourself to be free and open with them. You speak your mind without fear of repercussion. If they leave, oh well. But with a spouse it is harder to be yourself. Because you are fearful you may disgust them in some way. Or you may build a wall without noticing. Which happens very easily if your emotions are not where they should be. I can personally share with you 5 marital instances of other couples who are dealing with this right now.

And because this has happened, divorce seems to be the only alternative. Which is truly sad in itself. Have we become such a society that divorcing and moving right into the next marriage is easier than what our Grandparents did which was to actually work at our marriages? I know I am not perfect. I know I have distanced myself from my husband. But I also know I will work at our marriage until the day I die. My own emotional detachments came from being married to Chase's father. All the things he did and said really put a dent in who I am. But on the flip side, made me who I am. And because of who I am, I found a good man who is worthy of myself. The irony in this is simply my emotional detachments will now be focused towards my ex spouse. Where they need to be.

So now I work on making sure I keep my eyes open. Treat my husband as I would a lover, with no fears. We chose each other, and now we will work to be together. I will notice my emotional detachment issues as they approach and never be afraid to speak my mind. Or show my true self.

Simply because before I married him, he was just a lover in my eyes. No fear.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Silence is not golden..

Especially when it is from your husband. I have not heard anything from him regarding arriving in Germany as of yet. And that makes me nervous. I have the gut feeling he is OK, but not hearing the words is the difficult part.

Today was an interesting day. They cancelled school due to freezing rain which is OK with the exception that by the time a 90 minute delay would have happened everything was slush. Chase even asked me today why we came I shared it was so he could attend school that he is not attending.

My friend Matt was going to visit yesterday to help me fix some things on the apartment, but the weather stopped that one. Rachel did get to bring her kiddos over and that was very enjoyable. Today was just finishing cleaning upstairs and getting all the recycle and garbage out of my house.

Pretty soon it will be time to start packing the important stuff again.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Deep Breathe Taken!

I am VERY happy to announce that by the time Chase gets out of school tomorrow my husband will be safe and sound in Germany finally. We were able to talk a little bit earlier online and the Army has changed his plans yet again. So he will be back stateside by 23APR09!! I will be very happy to finally be moving to our next duty station, however we still do not know where that is. But as long as we are a family again, it will not matter to me. At least stateside we can blend in with the rest of the Americans!

Chase had his EKG this morning and that went very smoothly. Ironically we sat in registration and the waiting room longer than it took to get the EKG itself done. Surprise, Surprise! But that is finished and now I will call Dr. Herklotz and get his addition squared away.

My house is almost clean! I just need to get the bathrooms done which is always my most dreaded rooms of the house. Yuckers!

Does anyone want a litter boxed, OVERLY friendly cat?

OK...I'm off to get the baths and bedtime routines done.

Monday, January 5, 2009


Yes, I am ready for bed and it is only 740 pm here. It's been a very long day that started with HUGE humor!

I woke up at 0730 freaked out because Chase has to be to school 0810 am or he is considered tardy. So I rushed him to get dressed, I rushed to get baby ready. I rushed to get ready. I rushed breakfast, I rushed my morning chores. But damn it, we got to school by 0810! Only to find the school empty because there was a 90 minute delay. Yes. I should have turned on the news.

All that aside, we took advantage of the time and did the post vacation chores. Checked the mail, got some groceries. Little things. And then off to George's we went for breakfast. Where we talked to Jim on the phone for a little bit when he called. And then as we were heading out the door one of the waitresses gave Chase something which he proceeded to put in his pocket. Which he couldn't because at that moment we both noticed his pants were on backwards.

I told him not to worry, we would go home to plug in the battery for the remote control truck and he could turn them around then. Well, we got to dinking around and out the door we went at 1000 to take Chase to school. When we are about to pull into the driveway Chase yells, *CRAP*. I laugh and ask what, and he says...Mom, I forgot to turn around my pants.

I giggled, reassured him it was OK and sent him into the bathroom to turn them around.

That was the start of the day..need I say more about the rest?

We all have our dumb moments..I had a dumb day.

Friday, January 2, 2009


This whole vacation has been an eye opener to myself. I am unsure whether it is good or bad, but it is a reality slap.

I will start with the obvious. We all know that I have dealt with crap and drama for years thanks to my ex. For the longest time I held back everything and kept it inside because I really thought it was me. I thought the problems were because of me. I thought all the issues were my fault. My insecurity. But this trip was a shocker to the highest level when I sat with my two best friends in a bar at a table full of people who had zero idea who I was and someone mentioned his name. Now these people were ones he sees on a regular basis. Pool and darts. Some softball partners. Some just leach off his bar tabs. But they all see him pretty much every other day in the least. And not a single one of them likes him. Most of them despise him. The rest of them can't stand him. He's a liar. He's a user. He enjoys treating women like royalty and then dropping them like hot potatoes. He has stolen girlfriends from several people. At the time I write this blog I have mentally taken note that he is sleeping with a woman who has 3 children *that he stole from someone he claims is his best friend*, he is texting and still sleeping with the psychotic one who has a child but seems to spend her greater time drunk at the bar, is texting with a woman who has a beautiful son *that I had the pleasure to meet and I PRAY she avoids him like the plague after all we talked about* about how he misses her and wants to date her again, oh, and then there is the 22 year old pregnant girl that has a key to his new house and he attends all of her prenatal appointments with. Now that would easily be 4, but I know this man and I know there are more he hasn't spoken about.

What I ultimately wish for with this man is that SOMEONE give him a HUGE hickey on his neck. For all to see. So he would get busted. But then I stop and think nah, because what it all boils down to is this: He is his own insecurity. He is his own drama. He is EXACTLY what he dumps these women for. So the best just cause is watching him go down in flames on his own precursors. Because it will happen, and the only people who will coddle him are the three psychotic, useless sisters who have kissed his ass all these years anyway. That is why he is not a man.

And then there is my lifelong friend. I love her, but she is dooming her marriage in all proportions. I have noticed with the several visits over the years that she is more interested in all the other men around her than the one stable man who is there for her through thick and thin. Her husband. He does everything for her. She is a stay at home mom who is attending college online. I have seen so much that I just want to scream at her! But I can't, so I sit and write silently with hopes she will see this and try to correct her ways. They are buying a house, have an adorable little son and he does everything he can for her. But she has not figured out how to be a wife yet. And I'm here if she needs the help, but she needs to make the change.
Get rid of all the ex boyfriends that you talk to daily. It hurts his feelings. And honestly, in the last few years I have never seen you be affectionate at all towards him. Hold his hand. Kiss him. Get a babysitter and have date night. Because you may not notice it, but you are going to have your solid rock pulled out from under you.

Instead of that night of reading a book, cuddle up with him and watch a movie. Kick all those extra people out of your house. They just mess up the place. Buckle down and work hard to clean the house. Teach baby to clean up behind himself. He is old enough to know how by now. You stay at home, just like I do. Make it work for you. Cut some ties that are holding you back. And you know exactly what I mean. Get some counseling. I've been there. I almost lost Jim because I was doing exactly what you are.

People ask me how I manage my marriage from so far apart. Honestly, I can't answer that in a direct manner. But what I can say is this: my marriage works because I am able to *date* my husband each time he comes home. We can start fresh and learn each other all over again. We will have to work even harder this time because the space has been so long between us. But we will work on things together. We will have a family vacation finally. We will make our marriage work because the one thing we have the most of is each other.

Those are just a few of the relationships I see around myself that I wonder about. But all I can do is comment in my blog, get it out. And hope that my friends will work on their marriages/relationships. Because what is missing these days with relationships/marriages is conviction. Dedication. Honesty. Reality.

Find those and move forward with the one you love.