Sunday, September 26, 2010

Time is moving..

Either too slowly, or just too fast. I am unsure which is the correct statement at this point in my life. I am trying to get to through this term, but it's proving to be tougher than I thought it would be. Life at home is up and down to say the least, and I work with a therapist to better conquer that aspect. I watch the boys closely, but I also find myself escaping by going to friends houses and what not to avoid conflict as much as possible. I will usually leave after the boys are in bed, but there are exceptions to every rule. If it means there will be no conflict for the boys, I will leave to friends houses. I have made an amazing group of people that I hang out with here. My boys are always welcome at other's homes as well.

School is going well, just a lot of information to suck in. I am trying my best to study as much as possible but the stress level here in the house makes it difficult on most days. I keep reminding myself to keep my head in the game, study, make the future stronger for the boys. I also remind myself that the stress won't last forever, and I move myself forward accordingly.

Thursday, August 5, 2010


It is difficult to believe that my oldest Chase, is about to enter the Fourth Grade. Where has the time gone? How has it disappeared so fast? Was I not just potty training him yesterday? It makes me sad, but it also amazes me. He is turning into such a strong, intelligent young man, and it is happening right before my eyes.

And the littlest one..Sebastian. What can I say? He is adorable, a tank of muscle, and though he doesn't speak much..He gets his point across rather intelligibly. These boys amaze me everyday. And each day I am speechless with something they say or do.

I will be starting my classes again on August 19th. Am I looking forward to it? Absolutely!! This will be my last term of prerequisites before I can start my Mortuary Science program. And I am so thrilled about this!! It's finally all falling into perspective. After two terms of Honor Roll so far, I am ready to make a final Honor Roll this term. My classes will be the most difficult I have taken thus far: Human Anatomy & Lab, Small Business Management, The Greiving Process, and Composition 2. I see myself writing a lot of papers, and doing a lot of reading.

And after spending $593.00 on the purchase of four textbooks..I have already started reading.

Time to go feed my boys, do the last of the laundry, and wait for Sebastians speech therapist to come over so I will return later to write.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Where to begin...

And how to end things is the newest topic in my life. Things are rather in an upheaval at this time, and I am unsure how to correctly gather my wits. With the issues at hand through out my household, I am now dealing with my close friend Angie's health problem.

She is in the ICU over at Providence right now, and has had a stroke. No one is sure how long she was there in her apartment before they found her, but because she was there for that length of time a brain hemorrhage has occured. I was able to go and see her yesterday, and I am a little off kilter at this time because I don't know how to help her. She looks beautiful, peaceful, with no pain at all. No stress at all, and I just hope that it stays that way. There is talk of her being paralyzed on her left side, but no one knows for sure it that is truly the case. No one even knows if it can be resolved.

So what can I do? I plan to go visit her again, paint her nails, talk to her..maybe even read to her. That is how I will spend my Friday night.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Another day on the way!

Sometimes it gets absolutely crazy here, and no matter how hard I try to post it just doesn't happen. And on top of that, there is a lot of negativity and personal attacks that continuously occur so that doesn't make for many positive postings. So what do I do? I keep my head held high, my chest pushed out, and my brain as clear as possible. My boys need me, as a strong woman and Mother. My friends need me safe and unharmed, and I need to know who I am.

Right now I am working really hard through therapy to figure out who "owns" the problem as each one comes at me. I fight to stay positive, and I have dug my heels into my schooling. I am suffering from some really serious stress issues as well as sleep deprivation, but I will make it. I have no choice, my boys need me too.

Chase will be home in four weeks, so I have until then to try to eliminate as much stress from the house as I can. And I wil stand my ground also, because I know what I deserve versus what I don't. And right now, what is happening daily is not what I deserve. I have made some poor choices in my marriage as well, but will no longer tolerate pointing fingers. I know what I have done, and I am in counseling to focus on repairing myself and no one else. I can not make other peoples choices, but I can make my own.

And the choices I make are for myself and my boys. No one else. So until I can get things all together, please don't expect me to make your choices also.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Directional Pulls...

Things are a little calmer, but I am still really unsure what to do. The issues that are at hand, I am unsure if they can be fixed in my mind. I try, I really do..but it's just tough to get past some of the problems. So I continue to work my way forward, and work on the college. Today, I spent the majority of the day in bed though because my stomach was upset. I hate throwing up, I really, really do. And when I do, it just knocks the wind out of me.

Chase is supposed to call me tomorrow, and I can't wait. I can't wait until he is home with me again also. I look forward to taking a little time off, but then I miss Chase more than anything else in the world. He brings so much into my life, and I learn from him also.

College is moving along, and it seems to be pretty fast. I am taking Interpersonal Communication and am learning a lot more than I think my instructor knows about. With everything that is going on, and with my own personal counseling..I am really struggling with who I am and which direction I want to go in. I know this much: I really need to protect my children from the problems we are having in the house. It's not thier fault's we are fighting. It is not thier fault that we have the problems we have. But it is becoming thier problem, and I need to find a way to change that from becoming full fledged.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Interesting times...

Lead to interesting developments...Apparently I am still on the minds of men I tortured years and years So how do I feel about this? Thrilled, sad, excited, loved, adored...:)

But most of all, I wonder what is so special about me that I still rank like that...

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Tired of the drama...

So, I have been accused of posting personal stuff all over the internet. I am now going to do it. We have been having problems non-stop lately and I'm tired of the fighting. I need to get past the "He said, she said" and move forward for the boys. I'm tired of bickering over unimportant things. I need to work my ass off and get my college done. I only have 18 more months to go, and then I will have my degree. And I can start working, and support the boys to my fullest extent. I just can't handle all this anymore. I love Jim, but I have no idea who this man is, and where his hatred is stemming from. He always claims I am trying to be perfect, but the reality is that I need to be stand up for my sons. They already have one angry, hateful parent. They don't need two.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Caught you looking!

So, I finished my final project for CIST and am glad it is done. Now all I need to do is finish up the last of the access assignments and I am good to go with this class. Life has been interesting in the last week. My friend Jack has not emailed to let me know he is doing ok..and not hearing from him scares me. While I know there is nothing I can do about it, not hearing from anyone in a war zone is something that will always affect me.

College is almost done, just about 3 more weeks to go. I finally got my first failing grade today in Psychology. It was a low D, and I will be working on getting my extra credit turned in soon. My thighs are still hurting from finishing up some of the boxes, and planting the vegetables. But thanks to Mother Nature, I have not had to water the

Ok, I should really try to concentrate but I can't. My mind is elsewhere and worried.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Taking Time...

To stop and smell the flowers. Sometimes we forget to do that, and then the smallest person in the world reminds us too. Our lives get so busy, and seem to just wrap themselves with cobwebs. How do we get out from under those webs? It seems like your always dusting constantly, but you just can't seem to get rid of it? Or as soon as you turn around there is just a light sheen of dust caught in the sun.
Each day, you work hard to clear out the webs of your life. And each day, something new happens that may add to your the question that occurs more and more often becomes...What do you do to clear out your cobwebs?

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Salina and back again...

And off to Salina Kansas we went on Friday after Chase got out of school. What's there? This awesome Animal preserve called Rolling Hills Wildlife Adventure. What is the significance of this place? It's where Chase's Great Grandmother Esther was born. And how cool it was to hear Esther tear up when she heard on the phone that we were all standing there and about to go in. Definately worth the almost 3 hour drive to say the least.
Sebastian was CONSTANTLY on the move and really enjoyed himself as well. He and Chase ran and ran and then ran some more. It was an absolute blast seeing thier reactions to the different animals, and how much fun they were having. I loved every second and this little break reminded me of why I go to school every day. So I can secure our children's futures and make sure we can continue to do trips like this.

And look at his smile. Tell me he didn't look happy to be with his Mommy and Baby Brother! It was a lot of fun, we were all sunburnt to the max, and tired as all get out. But we enjoyed every second with each other.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Will I make it?

There is so much in this world to be ungrateful for. To be tired of. To be rid of. We have a president that can talk his way around and out of anything. We have schools closing because the economy is so crappy. We have Veterans that can't afford college because things are so tight right now.

But there are things to be extremely grateful for around us. We just need to open our eyes and see them. The children playing in thier yards in the sunshine. The sounds of their laughter ringing through the air. A woodpecker in the distance attacking a light pole. Heat in our home, and the ability to have a safe room installed.

Friends who will stand by your side through thick and thin. People who will love you despite all your issues. Your children who see a beacon of love exuding from you. The warmth of thier arms wrapped around your stomach. Their breath on your cheek as they whisper I love you into your ear.

So take the time, notice the important things. And love all that is around you.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Your eyes say it all...

When you look at me, I can see your depth. The way you want me, the need to touch me. I hear it in the voice that you try to keep strong. I see how you keep yourself a distance away to keep from touching me. You won't go anywhere with me because you know. You know that we will touch eventually. You know deep inside we will be there sooner than later, and yet you try to stay distant.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Busy is as busy does...

Ok, so I completely survived the first week of school and all went well. I'm taking 12 credits this term which equals out to 4 classes. And it does not seem like much, but the homework is the part that keeps me the busiest. Last night I was sitting up doing my Accounting homework, but it was not that bad. I also took my first test in Psychology and missed one out of 10. I figure that 90 percent is a good start, right? Today we took a quiz in lets see where that one goes?

Sebastian scared the heck out of me the other day..He went out the front door without my knowing it. I had the Leavenworth Police knocking on my door asking if this was my child. And normally, it wouldn't be my child. But this time, it was. And how did I feel about this? Terrified! ANGRY! Upset..Depressed. It was my son, and I failed to keep an eye on him. What was I doing? Starting dinner, getting Chase to do his homework, switching laundry..Everything but what I should have been doing. How will I tend to this?

Opening my eyes, making things more open to my awareness. But I will figure it out. Just as I know I always do.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Fun in my life...

Recently Jim shared some astounding news that really caught me off guard. He stated very clearly that I have lost my way, and who I am. That with all the deployments and living apart due to the Army, I misplaced my fun side that takes are of me. I knew it had happened, but hearing it hurt worse than my own acknowledgement of the situation.

So what have I done to take steps? I hate feeling forced to go out..but Jim gets along with a couple of the other guys in his unit, and I had met one of the gals previously. So he set it up with the the other hubbies and we had a night out. I also acquainted recently with a young man name Matt who joined the girls as well. What a combination last night at Applebee's!! And top it all off with a great waiter, good alcohol and laughs galore!!

So after having a night out, hubby woke me up this morning because he had to work from 9 to 12 today. Apparently there is something paperworkish that is a pain in everyone's asses. So I have had my coffee, chatted a little with a new friend online, and am going to tackle my Chapter 1 in both Psychology and Accounting. Man, Accounting is going to be a pain in my ass people! That entire 5 inch this book is COMPLETELY in black and white! Not a single bit of color once you pass the book cover. Seriously. So I will get those done this weekend.

I also need to head to Kansas City to pick up a couple of wreaths. I have a few friends that are pregnant, so I am going to make 2 diaper wreaths to mail out on Monday for them. I love doing that, but honestly I should start selling them instead. Maybe I don't sell them because I would lose my enjoyment of making them? I don't know. I just know I have made a lot of beautiful crafty wreaths! I think I should google and see where the local Michaels is...Yay!!

Ok, I'm going to get off here and get things motivated! And thank you for all the love and support from everyone over time. You all mean something special to myself!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I'm back again...

After a long absence, I have decided to start writing again. Sam is no longer with us, as he intentionally started a fire at our house. Why? Because he did not want to be there, and he knows how to manipulate situations to his advantage. Am I upset? Yes. I feel like I completely failed him and myself. Did I? No. I did not. I have come to the thoughts that Sam has failed himself. We brought him into our home, supplied him with an excellent school system, family love and support and everything that he needed including therapy. But there was nothing I could have done to prepare myself for what he gave back.

Assualtive behavior, manipulation and lies. Completely and constantly. And we are not even talking about little while lies! We are talking about EVERYTHING. Did you flush the toilet? Yes, but Chase didn't. Ok...well...who was the last person in the bathroom. Chase was. Well..that would be fantastic IF CHASE WAS NOT STILL IN BED! Seriously!! It's sad to be honest. But as Jim said, Sam will be alone and flipping burgers for the rest of his life at the rate he is going.

Did he pay us back? Yes, and then he turned us into SSI and claimed we took all of his money in return. So we had to pay back the $600.00 to SSI and he is now saying that he won't be paying us what he owes. What is going to happen in return? He is now listed as a potential Arson risk on some program through the Fire Department. Kind of like how they keep track of criminals. Now, the situation at hand is this: Sam has started fires before..Which would have been nice to know BEFORE we took him in. What we have done by putting him on this registry is that if he does start another fire, he will be arrested this time.

How are Chase and Sebastian doing? Fantastic to be honest. They seemt o be thriving with the low amount of stress that is encompassing our home now. Jim and I are fighting less as well. It is very nice indeed! Last term, despite the issues at hand with Sam I was able to pull a 3.40 GPA. Proud is a good word to explain how I felt.

But for now, my computer class is almost over so I should log off of here.