Thursday, November 12, 2009

Surviving my first term...

Well, here we are with less than three weeks until school is out. Am I stressed? ABSOLUTELY! Why? Because I have so much to do, and am running out of time to finish my projects and classwork. It is really not as bad as I make it out to be: however, I am doing my best. Jim is away at BCNOC (hope I spelled that one correctly) so he is not able to assist myself with the boys. So I find myself up until late at night studying after the boys are in bed. My grades are fine, but it is my dedication to continue with being a strong student that matters the most. I am the example for my children. If I do not do well in school, why should they? Class is out now, so I am going to head and pick up the baby. And then off to the house so he can nap and I can do homework.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


Every night as the sun sets, there are soldiers who sit in foreign countries protecting our futures by risking their own lives’. From those selfless acts comes one simple word that puts a sense of pride into one’s heart, which would be patriotism. Patriotism is defined in the dictionary as a devoted love, support, and defense of one's country; national loyalty. The straightforward act of patriotism can be seen wherever one may turn, but can also be felt inside when faced with the many trials and tribulations of life.

Patriotism is the pride of a soldier who walks with his head up and shoulders straight while he or she is in uniform. For many soldiers, patriotism is a sense of honor, integrity and respect to know that they are strong enough to leave their loved ones behind to go to war and defend our great nation. For others it is a sense of loyalty, duty and selfless pride that leads them within their patriotism. Upon hearing the word patriotism, SSG Veny Castillo sees in his mind, “The American flag over a dark ocean of stars in the sky, and fire on the water.”

Patriotism can be the many American flags that are displayed in the neighborhood windows to show support for our troops. It can be the way people tear up when they hear Lee Greenwood singing “Proud to be an American”. It can be the seventy year old veteran hoisting the American flag every morning and lowering it at dusk on the flag pole they erected in their own front yard. It can be the family who sits at a restaurant and secretly pays for the meal of a Vietnam veteran in the next booth to silently say “thank you” for all they had sacrificed when they went to war for our freedoms and liberty. It can be just a simple hand shake, or the words “thank you for your service” when a soldier in uniform is seen in public.

Patriotism is the sound of a bugle playing “Reveille” as the sun rises and “Retreat” as dusk encompasses us. It is the standing out of respect with hand on heart as children say “The Pledge of Allegiance.” It is an entire nation that weeps at tragedy when a soldier returns home one last time in a flag draped wooden casket. It is the deafening applause from on-lookers as a group of dirty, tired soldiers deplane upon return from fighting in a foreign country.

Patriotism is the sound of cheers as crowds all over the United States celebrate the 4th of July with fireworks booming overhead. It is the way complete strangers band together and support each other when traumatic events occur and thousands of people die for no reason. It can be the way a community comes together to support a young widow and her children when an officer and chaplain appear at the door bearing the news that her soldier has died. It can be a simple touch on the hand from one military spouse to another that silently states, “You are not alone even though your soldier is gone.”

Patriotism can wear many hats, and is never the same from one event to the next. People are taught from birth to support their great country and the many people around themselves. Some choose to do so from their front porches. Others choose to join the military and serve overseas or in various war zones. Many wear their patriotism in the way they walk with pride because they are American. Others show it by the ways they volunteer their time and energy to various charities that support soldiers and their families. But no matter what is said, felt, heard, or seen; patriotism will live in our hearts until it beats no more.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Wedding Ring

For millions of years, people showed their devotion for one another with a variety of trinkets. Rough, twisted reeds braided into bands for the fingers and wrists. Strong, colorfully stained papyrus bent into multiple circles and strung together to make chains for the neck and ankles . Only one style of trinket has stood the test of time to show eternal devotion between a man and a woman. With the belief that the vein in the left hand ring finger travels directly to the heart, a simple gold band with a few sparkly diamonds holds eternity in one circular motion.

Everyday the right hand awakes early and travels across a warm expanse to seek out the small round piece of metal that encompasses the tanned left ring finger. Should one remove this simple piece of gold, one would find an empty, white indention within the skin that screams to have its ring put back into place. The simple gold sliver is not very big size-wise, only a sever; however, it is thick in width. There are two simple gold bands connected together, each with special meaning. There is no smell to this ring. There is no taste to it either. And the only sound it will make is, if dropped, a small tinkle sound.

The first little sphere is simply just that, a sphere. Gifted upon the heart finger on July 22, 2005, the little sphere has only departed its roost once. That simple little band will always be the closest to the heart until death do we part. The second small band, which is connected, carries the half carat diamond that quite often captures the eyes of onlookers. With brilliance, the cut of this little heart conquers every ounce of light and sparkles with zest until the darkness engulfs the world nightly. Five little points of gold hold it in place, but do not detract from its beauty in any way. Carefully place on each side, the brilliance is enhanced by four little diamond baguettes that glitter as much as the heart shimmers.

This little gold band encircles not only the finger, but reminds the heart of a special day filled with love and warmth. It is a symbol of dedication between a man and a woman which will last until the final breath of either is drawn. Through all good things, and even the bad that has been handed to this couple within life, this simple little band will direct them down the path towards the right direction.

There are millions of rings that symbolize love to many couples and relationships. Some women have diamonds so large that one can only wonder how these women still walk upright. Others have no diamonds at all, only the simple golden band encircling their finger. And despite these choices, the one that encircles the heart finger connected to this heart will withstand all the trials of time. And someday, this little gold band will be passed on to someone else who will cherish its meaning and dedications until death do they part as well.

Monday, October 12, 2009

So much...

To do, yet I am unsure where exactly to start? I feel as though I am slacking with my family duties. I feel as though I am slacking with my friends. I also feel as though my relationship with my husband is falling through the cracks. And yet I pursue my potential degree. My house is cluttered. My children are fed, clothed and happy...but how much do they miss of thier mother since she is so busy doing school work all the time? Is my sacrifice beneficial to my children now?

Monday, September 21, 2009

And here we go~

Things have changed a lot since my last blog. Sam is coming around slowly and is understanding that he won't be going anywhere else. He is acknowledging that Jim and I are now his parents. And he is learning that it is OK for him to be angry with his mother for what he has been through. All in all, things are slowly working their way upwards.

Chase is working on moving forward with things as well. He really does not want to go to his father's house. But because he is flying back with Grandma Meston, he is willing to go out there to spend time with her. He disapproves of his father's girlfriend, but knows that his father will not listen to him. It is still a sad situation.

Our attorney is Oregon is reviewing some documentation that we sent him. Basically, we have asked my ex spouse to drop his insurance on Chase as it is useless to us. It is also causing conflict with our insurance. So because of all the conflict, Chase has no insurance right now. What do we need to resolve this? A letter from the ex's job stating that his insurance no longer is carrying Chase. And then we can re-enroll Chase with Tricare Prime and he will be fully insured after that. What's causing the conflict? Seriously, the ex does not want to pay the $128.00 fee to the courts. I paid for all the paperwork to be written up and submitted, so it would only be fair for him to pay the court fee, right? Well, the way I am seeing things is that the court fee is going to eventually cost him about $1500 after my attorney is done. But such is his ignorance.

OK, right now I am going to scoot. I think I will work on my homework for Saturday class and then finish retyping my Illustration Essay.

Night all.

BTW..I am taking 4 classes at this time, and I have 4 A's. I'm feeling very proud of myself.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

How to move forward?

How do you assist a 15 year old child with learning that his past is just that, his past? How do you teach him that he can no longer just skate through life? That he can no longer run the show and be the boss of the house? How does one teach a child to be a child and learn from his mistakes?

These are all things that Jim and I are really battling right now. REALLY battling! He is failing 5 of his 7 classes right now. He does no homework. He argues with the teachers. He thinks that he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants. Am I frustrated? Yes. Very frustrated! Almost ready to scream frustrated.

Jim and I have decided at this point that we are going to retract our offers of assisting him with getting his license and a car. We really feel like we have no choice in the matter right now. He doesn't want to work at things, we will absolutely not supply goodies for him. If there are suggestions as to how to get through to him, please let me know. Because I don't want him to end up a statistic just like the rest of his brother's and sister.

And that is where he is headed. Trust me. They are doing MAP testing right now at the schools. Sam is testing in at 208 and he is proud of that. Today I learned that he is testing in at a 2nd grade level. And that upset me. I was almost in tears. How could Amory let a child down like this? She let down 5 children, but this is by far the worst I have seen of these children. He is in 9th grade and my 3rd grader is smarter than he is. How unfair is that? Seriously?

OK, as for myself I need to get off here and get my homework done. As soon as I get things squared away, I sink again. So tonight I have a ton of stuff to finish for Saturday class. Yes, you read that correctly. I have school Monday through Saturday.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

The Farmers Donkey.

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into the well. The animal cried piteously for many hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was just too old and the well needed to be covered up anyway. It just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed shovels and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the poor donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to every one's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. The donkey was not so deep in the well as he had been. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up on the new pile.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would simply shake it off and take a step up a little higher. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you too; all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the "well" is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is like a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping..never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from all hatred.
2. Free your mind from needless worries.
3. Live simply, live happy, live openly.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Life can be..

So crazy, so busy and amazingly still mine. Things move so fast you just never realize what passes until you slow down and say..Wow. I have survived my first week of classes and am moving swiftly into my second week. Finally, I had the opportunity to speak with Mr. Wiley Wright who will be in charge of my education as a Mortuary Science student. He has invited myself to make an appointment to visit with him in Kansas City, KS and see that facilities there. Where I will finish the last 37 credit hours of my degree. I did learn on the phone today that I have 37-40 credits worth of general requirements that I can take as long as I want to finish. But once I am finalized with those credits I will apply to the Mortuary Science program and then I have a year to finish the last 37 credits of my degree.

We had our first family visit with Dr. Weidenger on Sunday and it was great. There will be a lot of work ahead for Samuel, and along that route, we as a family will be right there to support and assist him with whatever he may need. He really is a good kid, and just needs the love and true support he has never honestly had. And he will thrive once he realizes we are not going anywhere and we will not be *kicking him out* just like the others in his life have done before then.

Chase is a little upset with his biological father right now. His father is telling other people that I beat Chase for piddly little things here and there such as peed underwear in the toy box. It's stressful for Chase because he knows it is not true. But there is nothing he and I can do about it. So I am allowing this as the opportunity to teach him how to ignore stupidity. Because that is all it is, jealousy and stupidity. It has been like that since we split up over 5 years ago and I highly doubt it will change for the next 30.

Right now I need to get going so I can work on my reading and math classes.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

An absence worthily noted..

Yes, I know. I haven't written much lately but honestly I just can not keep my eyes open after the day is through.

So a small, quick note on the happenings within my household.

Samuel is ours now. We were granted full guardianship via the Leavenworth KS court house. I have spoken with him several times since last Friday and he is more than relieved with this decision. He knows that we won't ship him off to anyone else if we are tired of him. He is home. And that will never change. He is our newest son. And he does call me Mom which makes me feel warm inside now. But I won't lie. It is truly interesting having a teenager in our house now.

Chase is very comfortable with Sam here. He loves it, in fact. He does not miss his father or the issues that come along with the father's girlfriend and her 300 kids. OK, there are only 4 of them but that is too many for a 2 bedroom apartment. He also shared with me that he is tired of her kids because they are bossy and he is always in trouble.

Sebastian had his first child care experience on Monday. And he did better than I did to be honest. I was eager to get home and see if he was OK. Which he was fine without myself. Our FCC provider graduates on Friday so we will be utilizing her starting Monday.

I have officially started classes as of Monday. And I won't lie. Part of me is wondering what the hell I was thinking with going back to college. I have learned that I am older than the majority of students I attend with. But maybe it will be different once I finally get to the main campus. I don't know, but I will work forward and find out for sure.

Right now, it's 9 pm and I am really tired. I have homework to do in the morning and class. I will start writing more tomorrow.

Monday, July 20, 2009

And the house...

Is very slowly coming together. I am on the wrong computer to add pictures but once all is done I shall post the finalized room shots for everyone to see. Color has been a challenge but once my ideas are finished it has turned out very well.

Sam is adjusting well and feeling secure enough to hug me. He surprised me the other day by calling myself Mom. I was comfortable with it, but uncomfortable at the same time. It felt good because I know he was showing me a level of affection. But at the same time I had to explain to him that I was not there to replace his Mother for him, but to make sure I made up for the things she did not. It was my job to make sure he could secure a future for himself and move forward to college. To make sure he didn't drop out of school. To give him a chance at a real life.

He really is a good kid, but he is challenged to say the least. He has a Third Grade reading level and a Second Grade math level. How he has made it to the Ninth grade is truly beyond my comprehension. But Jim and I will do what it takes to help him along. That's why we took him in. He is a smart kid, just not so good at putting it on paper.

Squeaky is growing amazingly fast. And fearless as all get out! Well, fearless of everything but the vacuum. Imagine this..Fresh out of the bath tub and Dad turns on the vacuum while while I am dressing midget. Before I can lift his butt to put the diaper on he is out the door with his bare ass and down the hall. Right into the closet where he thinks he will be safe. Dad vacuumed past the closet and peeked in to see him crying. So I did the right thing and just crawled into the closet with Squeaky. So there we are in the darkness watching the vacuum go back and forth when it starts to come towards us..Wow..That kid can climb. Right up onto my shoulders. He didn't care what he grabbed or put his feet on..UP was the answer!!

I spoke with Chase for a little bit earlier tonight and he is way ready to come home. He is tired of sharing everything. He is tired of always being in trouble. He is tired of not spending time with Dad again. He is sick of the girlfriend who whines all the time. He is ready to be home with HIS brother and cousin and Mom and Dad. His words.

OK, I need to get some sleep so I can paint the upstairs bathroom tomorrow morning and the kitchen and hallway tomorrow.

Night all!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Just a quickie..

To let everyone know that we are in our new home. All the papers have been signed and we make our first mortgage payment on the 5th of August. It's cheaper than the rent I was paying in CT, that's for sure. Sam is with us. He's a great kid but we got some serious work to do with him. Common sense stuff mostly. I'll go more into that later as well.

For now I need to get ready so we can go to Home Depot when the hubby gets home. Laters!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Down on Munchkin Alley...

I thought I would humor everyone with the fact that we are staying in the Lion Cabin. Which sits on the corner of Munchkin Alley and Yellow Brick Road. It's cool because the Scarecrow and Toto cabins are next to us and Dorothy along with the Witch is down the street. Hehe. The whole start to this trip was on Oz Avenue. As I'm sitting here I am slowly trying to load up a few of the pictures I have taken. Just a few pictures of Jim coming home. I was too busy hugging my husband to take pictures, sorry.

I also took some pictures around here in Kansas that I have seen. It's almost like a small step back into time. We almost drove threw a red light this morning because it was across the street and on the corner. I didn't recognize it until the last minute. It was rather humorous once we got past the reality of what it was.

We have Sammy now with us. He's a good kid but there are a few small things that we will need to work on. He almost acts as though he has to prove himself to us. Which he doesn't. We love him for who he is, and understand he has been through a rough haul. He has shared some things with us that his mother has done in the past and various other adults in his life. Yes. There are some adults out there that should be ashamed of themselves. For simply taking advantage of a child. What is your problem? Get a brain and grow up. Shame Shame Shame.

But now Sammy is with us and we will do our best to make sure he is taken care of. But for now we shall tackle the small stuff and help him adjust.

OK, it's time for all of us to get some sleep because it's going to be a VERY long day tomorrow!

Friday, June 19, 2009

Fireflies, long drives and sleep deprivation..

All of those things oddly enough are pretty thrilling to me right now. As we sit here at the little picnic table in Lawrence Kansas I see for the first time in my life fireflies. At first it really caught me off guard. And now I am just tickled pink as I look across into the field and see about 20 or so flickering their mighty butts at me. Odd that something that small can just tickle me pink.

The drive to Kansas started out pretty fast but slowed towards the end. Irony is that we drove through New York and Pennsylvania missing the tolls. But once we got into Kansas and within the last 30 minutes of our drive..I'll be damned if we didn't end up on a toll road of all things. Yes, Jim and I got a good chuckle out of that! But we made it to the KOA *his first stay at one* and hit the local Walmart to better prepare us for our weekend stay here. It's quiet with the exception of the occasional train whistle and the 3 trillion crickets hiding out around us. Those crickets are probably encouraging the massive amounts of little flickering butts right now.

We had some laughs, saw some beautiful sights and ironed out a few small issues but are eagerly awaiting Monday to sign for our very own home. That's going to be nice to get into. YAY!

I will write more later, but for now I think I am going to go take a peek at those fireflies a little closer and then get some sleep.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

He's Home!

YAY!!! Yes, my husband is finally home! I'm so thrilled and yet the exhaustion has set in. I can truly say that I am a survivor at this point. I figured it out that minus the 10ish days Jim was home for Squeaky's birth..I haven't seen Jim for about 618 days. But he is home now and we are moving forward with our plans. First thing to tackle is getting the house packed and loaded. That will take today and tomorrow. And then visiting with everyone. I think it best if people come to us, but hey..Who knows.

So I won't be blogging for a little while until we get things settled into the new house. The Internet and phone should be shut off sometime today or tomorrow. But they will be packing all of our stuff today and then loading it all tomorrow.

Right now I am going to get off here so we can wait until the packers get here.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Now what?

We have had a small set back with getting Sammy. Apparently too many people are in too many counties within the State of Wisconsin so we have to wait until we are physically in Kansas to start the guardianship paperwork. So I have a call into legal there in Leavenworth, we have an appointment on the 24Th and I'll do what I do best..Research on the Internet.

We also have the pre-move inspection on Friday. They will be here about 1300 to look over everything and determine whether they need to come in a day early to pack up everything or if they can do it all in one day.

I've been keeping myself busy. Today Squeaky got his 15 month shots and I tell you what..EVERYONE within a 5 mile radius knew he was pissed! But I will also share in the same breath with you that I found humor in Squeaky.

Jim was concerned at one point with Squeaky looking like him because I guess he had an awkward child hood. There is no fears here, trust me. He may look like Jim but that child is all my personality and then some. Which could be good. Or perhaps bad.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Crabby Baby and the Horrible Day...

Man, I have been neglectful of my blog and fans..Sorry people!

Things have been moving along so fast lately I can't seem to keep up. And when I can keep up I'm too exhausted to write. I have been going through each of the rooms and cleaning out stuff that is not needed or just general dust and icky. I will again reiterate how much *crap* a person can collect when they don't pay attention.

Yesterday I utterly tortured the baby out of pure amusement! He made a mess on the floor with his rice chex, so I dug out the vacuum. He curiously watched as I unwound the cord and plugged it in behind his high chair. I then turned my back on him and the high chair so I could vacuum in front of the couch where his mess was. While vacuuming I heard Squeaky laughing his butt off and felt some tugging. I turned to see him shaking the cord back and forth and laughing like an adorable little gargoyle! But when I turned, the vacuum was suddenly pointing towards him. He didn't like that and started running as he turned..RIGHT into the wall. He missed the doorway by about 4 inches. And I got my laugh.

It was really funny the first time, but about the 7th smack into the wall I was in tears. Because each time I would turn around and vacuum in front of the couch he would be laughing again and shaking the cord to the vacuum. And when I would turn the vacuum in his direction his little feet and legs would operate before his sense of direction! And he could be directly in front of the door and STILL hit the wall! It was great!

However, he got his revenge this morning for sure. I went into the kitchen and made his bowl of cereal. When I came into the living room he was smack on top of my table. So in the time it took me to set him on the floor and tuck in the bench he climbed up on..He decided that my cell phone needed a bath. Ploop! Into the coffee cup it went. Now the phone sat in a bag of white rice all morning and did manage to dry out. But the coffee make it's danger known and off we went to Sprint to replace my phone.

We are discontinuing with Sprint once we get to Kansas. Going with another company called Cricket Wireless, so I asked the lady there is they had any refurbished phones that could get me through until October. Oh, they had one. A pink, pearly chick phone. Yech. It was only 20 dollars with the charger so I am not complaining. But I won't be letting anyone see it if I don't have to. Because it is indeed something people would laugh at me for. And I'll tell you what..Who ever had the phone before me was not at all nice to it. It's all knicked and beaten up. But it works. Well, everything but the charger worked.

So when I got home I called and let them know the charger was not working right. So they said come on back and we will find you a charger at no cost. And off we went back to the store. Off the exit at 97 to the corner. Look left, look right, inch forward. Look left, look right, inch forward. Look left, look right..Sudden Stop. Look directly in front of me and HOLY SHIT..There's a Toyota Prius right there. Now, I calmly put my car in park. And step out. I'm in complete fear at this moment that I hit this little car hard enough to set off the air bags. But apparently I didn't because they driver got out unscathed with a big smile on her face.

It was Adele. I could have just screamed! Not only did I completely rear end this woman, BUT I TOTALLY KNEW HER! Her and I were in the positive parenting class together. I couldn't freaking get over it! And I told her that I looked left and right but somehow in the process missed her entire damn car. Which in turn made her laugh even more! Luckily there was no damage to either of our cars. And Adele started to laugh and said..I'm taking the class with Ruth again..I'll tell her I ran into you..which in turn made me laugh some more.

So we went our separate ways. And I shook the rest of the way to the Sprint store and home. Where I have gone no where near my car for fear of breaking something else.

OK, bath time for Squeaky. And almost less than a week until Jim comes home.

Sunday, May 31, 2009


You have an unusual ability to put your best effort forth at all times..
That was in my fortune cookie this afternoon, but is it true?

Now, I am first going to warn everyone that this blog is written with tears streaming down my face. It is for several reasons. But mostly because my reality that Chase is gone for 9 weeks has hit. As much as he wears and stresses me out, my world is lonely without him. Now without my husband and Chase, it is strange to say the least. I am used to not having Jim here as I knew what I would potentially be getting into when I married him. But not having a spouse with you is very different to say the least versus not having your child. And 8-9 weeks at a stretch is even more difficult. But I have learned how to adapt to the absences.

It has affected Sebastian in a totally different way. He has been running all over this house looking for his brother. I hear him in each room yelling..And when there is no response he runs to another. How do you explain to a toddler that his brother is away for awhile and will be back? I know he does not understand and will he have to adapt as well?

I have not had the urge to answer the phone when it rings. I have not wanted to do anything. I have wanted to sit and just let the tears falls. But even that I can not do correctly at this time of sorrow. I finally forced myself to shower and take Squeaky out to the park to run. It was difficult to be happy knowing my oldest was clear on the other side of the United States. And as I always try to find the positive in things, I reminded myself at least I was not in Germany at this time. There is always something good to remember. Always when you must adapt.

The other thing that has the tears flowing is that I am an Army Wife. After we played at the park a little while, off to the store we went. And then to the take out Chinese place to get some Pork Fried Rice. Nothing fends off depression better for Mommy than Pork Fried Rice with soy sauce. That seems to be my depression food of choice. And then home to a nice little dinner with baby. And then upstairs where I put Sebastian into the bath tub. While he was in the bath I proceeded to tackle Chase's room. I went through the toys, the books. I put all the toys into one bucket, and made sure clothes were all hung up. I took out all the clothes that no longer fit for donation. I stripped the bed and started the laundry to wash the sheets and blankets. I took all the posters, stars and planets down. I put all the nails and tacks into a container. I took the curtain and rod down and put the screws into a Ziploc baggy. And then duct taped the baggy to the pole. I stripped the room down so things will be easier for the movers. And I cried knowing I would need to adapt again.

Now, I know these things happen every 3 to 4 years as an Army Wife. But I also know that it never gets any easier at all. As much as I hate this area, I love my friends that I have grown so close too. I will miss them coming over to visit. I will miss their children. I will miss their hugs. I will miss their encouragement. I will miss their faces and smiles. Most of all, I will miss their love more than anything in this world. While I am terribly excited about buying a house and having my family complete losing these wonderful people is hurting almost as much as Chase being gone. But I will adapt to their absence.

I know that as an Army Wife I am looked at as many things. Strength. Honesty. Integrity. But there are days I just want to throw my arms in the air and scream that I am NOT AS STRONG as everyone thinks that I am! I am tough as nails because I have taken life's lessons and adapted.

I am ready to wipe my tears away. I am ready to move forward into my new life.

I will adapt.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Too many hands in the pot..

That's how I am starting to feel about this whole situation with Sammy. I understand there are a lot of people involved, but what it ultimately boils down to is how Jim, the caseworker and myself feel about the situation. We all know Sammy's father won't take him. He's as bad as Amory is but worse on several different levels. And after the case worker talks to him, that is if she even finds him..Sammy will be planted firmly in my home.

On a few other notes I am totally glad I went out of the way to get a baby security lock to protect the Wii system and all the games. This thing looks like a pretzel and has zip ties that wrap through the handles of the doors. Yes. And it's so complicated I can't seem to get into it. But Squeaky made it in withing 30 seconds of playing with it this afternoon. Argh is all I can say. Now I need to find a different way to lock those stupid doors.

I took Chase and Squeaky down to George's this afternoon for dinner. And I'll tell you what. I love and will miss that little restaurant and the people who work there. Holly who is the main waitress had tears in her eyes when we left. She is good people, let me tell you. I will definitely visit there again next time we are in Connecticut.

And as for the house, it passed inspection! There are a few things that are cosmetic that Barbara wants changed right away. The biggest thing she was adamant about was replacing the water heater. It was due as the one in the house is over 20 years old. And the VA inspector told the owner he needed to build a platform underneath it in the garage that is at least 18 inches high since we will be using the garage for an actual garage. Other than that she said it was little things like fixing some of the siding. She also was pleasant enough to tell me a couple of really cool places I could take the kids when we got here to eat and what not. She even told me a few places to play bingo..YAY! I told her we would have to go!

OK, for right now I am going to go and cuddle with Chase. He has a sleep over tomorrow night and I'm sure his macho young self doesn't want Mom all cuddly with him then!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Sammy update...

Good morning!

Just a little update to let everyone know. I now have my contact person in Kansas. Unfortunately we can't do the home study or backgrounds checks until we are physically in Kansas. However depending on who has custody of Sammy right now is how fast this process will move. Let's hope it is either Rob or the State of Wisconsin. Because honestly speaking I think Amory will fight Sammy being placed in my home. We have not spoken now in almost 15 or more years with the exception of Bingo one time for my Mother's sake. And that was strained to say the least. I think everyone was uncomfortable there.

To my knowledge at this time Amory has been deemed incompetent through the County she is living in. Sammy was upset because he did not hear from her for quite a few days. They did eventually find her as she was transferred to another city and a different nursing home. I could not imagine my life with all my rights and my children stripped from me. And I won't say anything negative as I know some of her children will be reading this. I am just sorry that those children are even having to deal with this. And also, thanks to complete strangers like Rebecca, Liz and Rob..there was some length of stability for them. Thanks guys! You are living proof that there are truly awesome people in this world still.

So as I sit here writing this blog, Sammy's case worker is contacting Amory's case worker to see who has custody. This way we can figure out who, what, where and when. I have impressed upon her that Sammy is out of school in Wisconsin on June 9Th *my younger sisters birthday* and that he would start school in Kansas on August 11Th. Far be it for me to push the State to do something rather quickly but I really have this urge to give this young man some resemblance of stability. I spoke to him on the phone yesterday and asked him how I would find a can of *camouflage colored* paint. He chuckled and said that was pretty funny. So I suggested that when we picked him up that we all go and pick out the colors for his bedroom. And that he could help me with painting his room and getting it decorated. I heard a certain lightness in his voice. Almost a sigh of relief.

One of the things I was most adamant about was making sure the State stay involved in Sammy's care. I have heard a few things here and there that suggests to myself he is really going to need a lot of counseling. I also shared with the caseworker that at no time what so ever would I want him taken out of our home at all with the exception of his physically hurting one of the other children with intention. And I am honestly not worried in the slightest about that. He is slowly warming up to myself and sounds like such a sweet little guy.

My reasoning with his not being pulled is that is a trick of his Mother's. I watched her do it for years and years with Tony. When she was tired of him she would leave him with my Mother. And when the State wanted proof she had him for her welfare *poof* she would show up and just take him. I remember Tony would wear layers of clothes for years because he never knew when she would just show up. Eighty degree weather and he had 3 layers of pants on.

I will also say that i am proud of Cody. He is my other Nephew who has turned 18 recently. And thanks to the love and support of Liz *HUGS* he will be graduating High School this Friday. Way To Go Cody! You Rock!! With everything that young man has been through because of Amory, this was a huge accomplishment! Congratulations!

OK, it is time for me to head off into the other room and tickle the baby! I'll write more soon!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Chase's meltdown...

So yesterday Chase found out that his father's girlfriend had her baby. And he had a huge meltdown about it. There are several reasons behind this event. The biggest one is the fact that he hasn't spoken to Chase in over 3 weeks almost. And the girlfriend had her baby on the 18Th from what I gathered. Now his anger boiled on this because Chase feels his father should have called and let him know that she gave birth. Mom..I live there too. That was what he said. And I agree. This is a big even that impacts his life and his visitations with his father. So he should have called and told Chase that it had happened.

Now more of this anger is posted towards his father regarding the lack of communications. After he was done throwing stuff around last night I had a long talk with him. A serious and deep talk. I made sure he knew it was OK to be angry with people you love. But that you need to stand up for yourself and tell the person or people why you are angry. His anger at this time is the fact that his father spends all this time with the girlfriend and her kids, but can not take 10 minutes out of his week to call him. I am his only child Mom. He should be going out of his way for me, not them. And again, I agree with him. He really should take the time to drop a card or letter in the mail. Or to send a small goody package. Or if he sees a shirt or something get it for him. And send it to him. Make him feel appreciated. Make him feel loved. Because right now he thinks his father does not love him at all.

He feels as though his father is only interested in having a family with the girlfriend and her kids. And that he is completely an outsider. And that is sad because that is how his father felt about his own father. Seriously. He wanted to break that rut when we had split up and he put Chase and himself right into it. And sadly, I am not even going to lift a finger anymore to try and fix it because it is not my rut to fill in.

I will continue to make sure that Chase knows he is number one in our household. And that he is loved more than life itself here. And I know I am doing a damn good job when he gets up and loves his little brother the same way. I see the love for myself in his face when he smiles at me.

Honestly though, someone needs to get off his ass and start either being a father..or just stop so Chase can move on. Because all that has been happening is a constant confusion for Chase. He thinks he is loved until he spends time visiting out there, and then he feels like a nuisance. Then he will come back to me and cry. My son cries after his visits with his father. Because he knows that his father only takes his visits because he is required to. It is sad that a 9 year old feels that way. And it is even worse that a 34 year old man can't see past his own nose to see how badly he is hurting his son. His only son.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Time for reflection..

Today I started out with about a dozen calls to Kansas. Now I should know better as it is a holiday weekend but I did manage to track down the number to a lady that I will need on Tuesday. We are going to work it so that we can be Relative Foster Parents for my Nephew. This will work out in such a way that the State of Kansas will be involved with Sammy's care and we will have them available for things that will arise.

And this boy is going to need some serious help right off the bat. First thing I will have to do is get him into counseling. For whatever crazy reason his mother has told him growing up that his older siblings were adopted. Adopted by who? I don't understand the reasoning for lying to him that way with the exception that she was trying to hide the fact that they were taken away from her by the various States she lived in. I worry about having to be the one who breaks in the truth to him. I really do. But then in the same breath I feel fine with it because I know I am strong enough to help Sammy make it through all this.

The other thing that makes me comfortable with all this is that I know I will have a strong family support for this. My husband and I have spoken at length regarding Sammy joining our family. He has shared with me his nervousness and excitement. So there will be more to come with all of this. I'll add more in a little bit..I need to answer the phone...

OK, I'm back for a moment. The very next thing I am planning to do is have his medication re-evaluated. This child is 14 years old, weighs a total of 108 pounds and is taking 54 Mgs of Concerta. That is well over the dosage for an adult weighing in at 240 pounds. Goodness. And they wonder why he acts out a bit. Then, he has a secondary medication to assist him to sleep at night. Clonidine. And again it is an adult dosage for a whither of a boy. I'd like to get ahold of his Dr. and have a talk with him. I also need to try and get copies of his medical records. That's going to be fun. I have heard that he has Cerebral Palsy but I have seen no documentation so this will be quite interesting. OK, more to write later.

Thursday, May 21, 2009


Today was a crazy day and oddly I didn't manage to get off the couch. I have been on the computer researching houses. And checking out this, and that. And working on the pictures from our trip. I was even on the phone with a few people regarding getting my Nephew into our house. My older sister is in a position where her health is failing so she is not able to take care of her 14 year old son. It was sad tonight talking to him on the phone because he is really very overwhelmed with everything that is going on. He has no idea where he will be tomorrow. He is under the impression because of what his Mother has told him that his two older brothers and sister are all adopted. He is going to have a rough transition with everything. And it falls on my families shoulders to assist him to learn the truth about everything. Which we will do.

But on a lighter note we put a bid on another house. Third time is a charm. He counter offered but it was an awesome one, so we accepted! And even for the price we accepted our mortgage will still be under what we pay for rent here!

So more to come tomorrow!!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Yay! We're home!

On Monday we spent the entire day walking around Niagara Falls, New York! It was GORGEOUS! The weather was just right. The water was not too cold. The touristy stuff was not over crowded. Everything was great. Even the campsite at the cabin was relaxed and beautiful. Nothing like some good old Smores with your kiddos to put life into perspective.

Tuesday we headed over to the Canadian Side..Niagara Falls Canada. It was beautiful as well! Between the two days I took over 250 pictures which I am slowly weeding through as we speak. I'll get those all edited and posted as soon as I can.

Things are moving along with our PCS. We didn't get the house we put a bid on as the first bidders pulled the money out of no where. Sucks. But there are more houses that Jim and I are looking at. And when it is meant to be we will become Super Home Owners!

A little change in plans though right now. Some things have happened on my older sister's side so Jim and I may be taking in my teenage Nephew for awhile or maybe even permanently. We shall see as I am waiting on a call back from the case worker. More to come on that.

OK, it's late and I'm really tired. Just having a hard time sleeping.


Sunday, May 17, 2009

Tragedy and Wolverine..

Yesterday was a tough one. I had a huge date planned with Chase. We spent most of the day preparing for our trip to Niagara Falls. Laundry, packing. Getting things from the basement we needed. Packing sleeping bags and pillows. Got our hot dogs and chips. And then on the way from the store my phone rang. Mom calling on a Sunday. That can't be a good call. So I nervously answered the phone. And what I heard was really not what I was expecting.

My 16 year old cousin Jordan Murphy passed away. I was expecting her to say car accident or something that a teenager would die from. Nope. His heart gave out. His father Danny had died at a young age as well. He had heart problems and had a pacemaker put it. So it was tough on Debbie and the rest of the family when he passed away. So as time moves along, the oldest son is fine. His heart works well. And he is extremely intelligent also. But then Jordan started having a few murmurs here and there. Last year he had a pacemaker put in as well. And then yesterday he slipped away from the world forever.

Now, I haven't had my cry on this yet. I am again not terribly close at all with Jordan and his family. But I am more upset that Debbie has lost not only her husband, but now her child. No woman should ever out live her child. Ever. And what really upsets me the most is this boy never even had the opportunity to get out and live. He never got to experience love. Or travel to exotic places. Or see the birth of his own child. Now, I know there is always a reason for things. This time I don't understand the reasoning.

But I chose to choke it down and make sure Chase had a great date with Mom. We took Squeaky over to Mom Kelley's house where he spent time with Grandma and Grandpa. And then Chase and I headed to the movies. And in to see Wolverine. Now don't laugh when I mention that this is a really small theatre. But I will tell you there aside from Chase and I, there were only 4 other people. Two of them came in right after we did. And then about 5 minutes into the movie 2 more came in. Now, these two sat across the aisle and behind us about four rows. And I will tell you right now that they annoyed the hell out of me. So much so that Chase even said something.

For about the first 15 minutes of the movie you could actually HEAR them chewing their popcorn. And I don't mean the sound that you hear when you put the popcorn in your mouth. I am talking the sound a cow makes when chewing his cud. SERIOUSLY! But I kept my mouth quiet. And they talked, but not at whisper level like you would think in all common sense would happen in a theatre. No. Full voice. COME ON PEOPLE! It was about 20 minutes into the movie and they were discussing what was happening on the screen when Chase says..Mom..I can't hear. So I turned and said *SHHHHH..please.* VERY Loud SHHHH with a VERY quiet Please. And they did. After they gave their dirty looks, the shushed. I tell you, I had a whole lecture ready in my head had they mouthed off. But they didn't so I was happy. Because I really do not like confrontations in front of my children.

But we watched the movie in silence and I might add it was AWESOME! I have heard mixed reviews about it but Chase and I loved it to death! Definitely a buy able movie! And I am eager for the new Transformers and oddly enough Terminator as well to come out.

But for now I need to get going because my Husband is on the phone!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Mom has free time?

Last night my friend Rachel stayed overnight. She is having a tough time making some decisions regarding the relationship between her boyfriend and herself. It's strange, but she stayed the night last night because he said stated that maybe if she left for the night their relationship would be better. And we talked quite a bit. I will firmly say that if a man treated me the way he treats size eight and a half would firmly be planted in his ass. No one should ever let anyone treat them like that. Enough said on that.

Now, I will say it was nice having her overnight. She not only cleaned up after herself but she watched the baby really quick while I ran over to the Post Office. I had to overnight the *earnest money* check and the check for the inspections. Now, to clarify..We do not have the house at this time. We are still a little over a week away before the other people forfeit on their end of the contract. But for safety, Barbara is getting everything in order so we can get it all moving along if and when they do. I love the fact that we have someone just like myself handling all the paperwork and what nots. Anal retentive is not always a bad thing.

While I was off at the Post Office she not only did the dishes from breakfast *and they were clean the way I like them*, but she also swept and mopped the floor. I loved it! It freed up some time in my afternoon. And let me tell you, I'm glad she did! One more thing I should throw into this one sided conversation is that after Squeaky and I dropped off Chase at school we headed off to vacuum the car out. I can not keep the car clean here in Connecticut to save my damn life. It's so dusty and dirty here! UGH! Anyhow, I set up Squeaky's playpen and put him with a ton of toys right in front of the car. He played peacefully while I vacuumed the hell out of the car. Meanwhile over head the clouds were starting to form. Darkly I might add! So we hurried up, got that done. Hooked the car seat back in, put midget in the car. Put away the playpen and in we went to get the outside of the car washed. Now, the big giant blue sponge strip things that spin in circles and come down on top of the car..Yeah. Squeaky did not like that in the slightest!

It started to spin and you heard the little *thumpa thumpa* as it started hitting the front end of the car. And as it moved up the hood..The noise got louder and louder..Until it was on the roof..THUMPA THUMPA THUMPA..I turned and looked at Squeaky only to see a total look of fear on his face! He was bawling before we made it out of there..And that would be when I noticed the smell. I think that the THUMPA scared the kid so bad he shit himself. Poor thing!

But we made it home..and I made a few phone calls. Which I will detail more on tomorrow because it is now time for the Season Finale of Bone's and Grey's Anatomy!


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

American Idol...

Pleh. Today was mellow. I couldn't get my ass motivated to save my own life. Trust me. I did manage to get Chase to school on time, but after that it was..Dum dee Dum time. I headed off to Target and found a really cute container to hold my DS and all the little gadgets that it has. I grabbed a really cute little craft container that clicks together on four different levels. I found it in the sewing section oddly enough. But my DS fits in it. And there's a level for the games. And a level for the car charger, ear buds and extra stylus's. And an extra level for more games as we build them up. It will work fantastic for the many little road trips we have planned this next few months.

I received the confirmation in my email late last night. He is coming out to pick up Chase on May 30TH. I shared that with Chase and he actually started to cry this morning. He really doesn't want to go out to Oregon, but unless there is a strong reason I can not stop it from happening. I have my suspicions of what is going on, but I have no proof right now. But when Chase does finally open up and say he is not wanting to go out there I will stand beside him in court. And I will fight for my son's rights.

We will see what happens. I did manage to get all the utilities set up to be shut off. So everything will be turned off by the 16Th of June. And the movers will be done the same day. I'm eager to find out if we are going to be moving into our own house though. Yes. That would be a wonderful day to find out that we won't ever be paying rent again. That would be so nice. And the sad part is that we would be paying almost $250 less a month for our mortgage than what we pay in rent here in Connecticut. I will say with all the research I have done that I am amazed there are not more homeless people here. The rent is atrocious. The mortgages are HUGE and the houses are just tiny. I meant $1700 a month mortgage for a house that is not even 1100 square feet. Yikes! Yes, this is actually someone I know that is putting out that much money for that little of a place.

But right now I am going to get off here so I can watch this American Idol.


Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The biggest loser and life...

So I sit and watch the Biggest Loser. And I wonder. How it would feel to be that obese? Not that I would go and gorge myself in order to get there. I guess I have been blessed with my fat. I know, strange thing for someone to say. But I have been. A close friend of mine once said that I was lucky because my fat made me look like a woman, where her fat just made her look fat.

I recently did a weight loss challenge through Herbalife. It was an eye opener that I could really lose the weight. When I started it I was 210 lbs. When the challenge was over I was 191 lbs. Now I stopped drinking the shakes after the challenge was over, but I am teaching myself how to eat better. I gained 3 pounds back. But that's it and I'm happy with that. I also should throw in that I am a really stressed out Mother right now.

With Chasers getting ready to leave for summer vacation, my Husband coming home finally, us moving, our buying a house. And there's so much more than what I am typing. I am starting to research all my college options, and Chase's schooling options. So much to do.

I think right now though I am going to turn off my mind and try to rest.

Monday, May 11, 2009

A busy day for the Post Office

Wow. Today was crazy busy! First off, I should share with everyone that not all candle glass is sturdy like Yankee Candle. I found out first hand this morning when I burnt the hell out of my table. Yes, the new table that I adore sooo much and just had to have. Now the good news is that according to the place I bought it I should be able to have it repaired. The bad news is that it will have to wait until I get to Kansas. So until then I will have to find one of those ugly doily things to cover it. I guess I'm OK in that aspect because I was smart enough to burn the candle in the middle of the table. I know, WTG.

Then I got home and immediately started talking to the realtor Barbara. We emailed back and forth between my chores while Squeaky slept. She has the best sense of humor, let me tell you! We went over the paperwork, did all the contractual stuff and made sure everything was ready in case the other couple fell on their face. I also called and spoke with the our finance gal Heather to get a little more information on insurances. I'm still a little unsure about a couple of things but I'll call Barbara in the morning and talk to her.

I had to run out really fast to check the mail, where I was pleased to find the Hatchling in there. My baby dragon arrived finally! YAY!! In case some of you don't know, I collect Pena Dragons. They are by Windstone Editions and are awesome! Google it sometime and check out the dragon collection. My color is Peacock/Emerald.

So once I got home the UPS guy showed up a few minutes later. My Mother's Day present arrived, well at least half of it did! Jim ordered a Nintendo DS bundle package and the two games arrived through UPS. Now this is the funny part: The actual DS and 8 in 1 starter package arrived 45 minutes later via Fed Ex. One order through and two different delivery methods. I know, can we say STUPID!!

And then, as if that wasn't bad enough..20 minutes later the Mail Man showed up with a huge box for me! It was my computer home from Dave who so awesomely fixed it for me! And guess what I am happily blogging on while I lie in my bed!?!? Yes, I know you don't want the visual of myself in my bed typing with a smile..But here I am!!! YAY!!!

And now, it is time to watch House! So off I go!!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day, Moving and House Hunting...

So today is Mother's Day. I got to sleep in until the ripe minute of 0630!! YAY!! Yes, there is a little sarcasm in it. Honey, when you read this..Next Mother's Day I would like to at least stay in bed until about noon? OK..I'll get up about 0930 to go pee..but don't expect much! And I want coffee in bed..And the special breakfast you like to make us all! I'm not too

On a different note..We have been house hunting in Leavenworth Kansas. As some of you know we are going to be stationed there. Jim flies to Connecticut on June 15Th, our HHG's are picked up on the 16Th, and we start driving to Kansas via a touring route on the 18Th. And hopefully by the time we get there a new house all our own will be waiting. Which I am really eager about.

We went through a trial an error stage but have found a very honest and straight to the point realtor named Barbara Hancock. If you want her number, let me know. This woman is beyond awesome! And oddly enough she became the realtor for us on accident. But so far, she has gone above and beyond in my personal opinion. As a first time home buyer I am sure that I have annoyed the living crap out of her. But she is patient and answers all of my questions. And Jim's questions. I'm sure it can not be easy to get emails from two different people. But she does, and she deals with it. I am almost positive she will do a Mexican Hat Dance when she finally sells us a house.

But, to be honest..we did put a bid on a house. We had found a beautiful 4 bedroom 2 bath split level ranch. It had a full basement that had been redone into a family room with the 4Th bedroom. It was on a pretty good size corner lot but the back yard sloped downward. One car attached garage. It was about 1800 Sq Ft with ceiling fans through out. They were asking 115,000 for it. So we offered 105,000. Oh, it also had a sun room that Jim didn't like the looks of, and a ghost in the third bedroom. Jim said it was a smudge on the camera lens..*wink*

So we offered 105,000. He countered with a meet in the middle of 110,000. Jim and I said..110 and you provide the stove and refrigerator. He said he could not afford that. And sadly we had to not accept the offer.

Now I know it is crazy to put a bid on a house that we have never seen. But there's a few things that make us comfortable with this. The first is that Barbara has been doing this for almost 10 years, and she knows what the VA will and won't accept. That is comforting to know. So as long as the VA accepts the house *and they have very stringent rules*, we know it is sound. Also, there are warranties and what not in place when you purchase a house. So knowing that, if anything major went wrong along the road in the first year, we wouldn't be paying a ton of money to fix it. And lastly, there is so much information available online. We can research and look at different websites to find everything from appraisal values to future and past taxes. Pictures galore! Even videos of tours in each of the houses.

One thing that Jim showed me was the maps on If you have never messed with the satellite map on google, you have missed out. It's sooooo much fun!! But it allows us to really check out the neighborhood, the schools, the area in general. And to top it all off, with the prices of some of these houses if we don't like something in it we can just change it along the way.

So as things progress we shall let you all know what we decide on.

Right now, I'm going to go watch cartoons with Chase while the baby naps.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

To Cell or Not To Cell..

That is the question.

I had posted a comment on my MySpace about whether or not I should get Chase a cell phone of his own. Now there are some things that have arisen in the wake of this decision so I will write them out to help Jim and I decide whether we should get Chase a phone of his own.

As some of you are aware, Chase will be leaving May 30Th to go do his visitation at this father's house. He is not happy about it because now there will be four other children in the house. Chase's father's girlfriend is expecting a baby any day now. Not by Chase's father so everyone is aware. This baby is either the product of her husband or someone else she was sleeping with at the time. He knows his father will be spending more time taking care of that baby than he will be taking care of him. And that really bothers Chase. Sadly, I had to explain to Chase tonight there is nothing I can do. That all he can really do is step up and share his feelings with his father. Anyhow, moving on.

While Chase is visiting with his father he has very limited access to a phone according to him. Or whenever Chase wants to call me his father either won't let him or says there is no time as they need to go do something. Now this is what Chase tells me, so I don't know if it is true or not. But I would honestly lean towards what he says over his father.

Either way I really just want a way that I can talk to my son without having to deal with his father or the girlfriend. That's how I am feeling about it.

On to other news. Things are in transition for the move. I received our email for the movers today. They will be here on the 16th to pack us up. I have our motel reserved for the 3 days we will be here visiting until our drive. I have the list of stuff we need to pack into the car for our trip. I have called about getting my medical records, the dental records for Chase and I, and already have my OB records. Still waiting on records from the school and both the boys medical records.

Working on getting things ready for Chase to go to Oregon. I also found out that when we get to Kansas Jim will be heading to North Carolina for a little over a month for schooling. So I will be flying to pick up Chase in Oregon during Thanksgiving with the baby ALONE again. But I'm a big girl, so I can handle it.

Nice thing about our transition to Kansas is that we are working on buying a house when we get there. Our own house. One for just us. No more paying someone else's mortgage. It will be great. Something I can paint and know I won't ever have to change it. YAY!!

Ok, I need to get upstairs and get some sleep. I have been staving off a headache all day.

Friday, May 1, 2009

It's the title...

Literally. It's the title to my car in Oregon. It is paid off in full, and the title is in our hands. How good that feels!! Time sure flies when you are really busy..with life. Life keeps you on your toes, that's for sure.

A few days ago Chase got a little note card in the mail. It took me a second to think of who it was as they mailed it from another part of Connecticut. While we were figuring out how to get home from Kennedy Airport in NY my wonderful little boy found a really nice luggage tag next to the luggage terminal. I told him to throw it away but he persisted that we should send it to him. So I made it his challenge to see if they would respond. He picked out a little *hi there* card at the Dollar Tree, addressed it himself with the names on the tag and then wrote a little something in the card. I took him to the post office where he paid for the postage out of his allowance and into the mail it went. And wouldn't you know..He got a little card in the mail that said, Thank You Chase, You are a really good boy for doing this! That made him so proud, but what made him more excited was the dollar bill tucked inside the card! He quickly put the money in his piggy bank and walked around with a smile on his face for the rest of the day.

Nothing more to report right now with the exception that we are looking seriously at houses over there in Kansas. Much to some people's dismay that is. But we are looking and have found some wonderful homes. I think we may have even found a settler. But we shall see, and I will keep you all updated.

And as for the earlier blog I wrote about my friend..I have not heard a word from her. I am unsure if she has read the blog or not. But she has not texted, called, messaged or even emailed for over a week now. Maybe she is going through the throws of anger? Maybe she doesn't even know I wrote it. I don't know, but I'm not going to worry myself over it as I have enough on my plate right now.

Tomorrow? Clean my house. I've been lax in that lately. The dust bunnies are proud of me.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

What did you say?!!?

So this little blog is just going to be a blowing off steam type of blog. Earlier today I was talking with someone I consider my best friend. I love her to death but she really just throws me for loops to the point I just want to lash out at her. So this will be my way of lashing out and getting it all off my chest.

Now first I must say I am not perfect. Not in a million years would I ever say that I am. But for all my imperfections I learned to be stronger, more open minded to the world and to never let fear stop me from moving forward. My imperfections have helped me travel across the US and even into different countries. I have loved, I have lost. I have hurt, I have healed. I have hurt others, and swallowed my pride years later to apologize. I have taught myself to never hold back, and to be expressive of everything. And to be honest first and foremost. Even if I know it will hurt someone, I speak my mind.

Now having said that, I have been sparing this person the reality she chooses not to see. Or if she does see it, ignorance is bliss. She is a big girl but she is attractive. She is naive. She has a tough time with social situations. One night we can go out and she is a blast, and poof..that very next night she *pouts* (for lack of better words) to the point that everyone around her is uncomfortable and has no fun. She is judgemental of people but gets upset when someone groups her in just as she does others.

She is everything she complains about in other people, yet she gets offended if it is pointed out. Wake up call sunshine! There is a reason you have been single now for over 8 years *to my knowledge*! You want this huge level of perfection in a man that you can not even obtain in yourself. And I love you, but come on! You have had your walls up so high for so long that it is easier for you to hide behind them than to climb them yourself. And I can tell you right now that if you expect a man to climb those walls, you better either build a stair case or start showing them that you are worth the exercise! Men want to climb Mount Everest because of the excitement and the never knowing of what is behind the next rock. They would rather do that than cross the desert on foot and get bit by scorpions.

And again, don't tell men you are one type of person when you really are not. Because if they stick around through the mood swings, the lack of time in your schedule and the constant phone calls and texts you will eventually have to open up and show your true colors.

Men want strong women, not insecurity. And you can not offer them love if you do not love yourself. And that I can say after 15 years of friendship. Learn to love yourself and be real to you before you try to be someone else. Because loving yourself, not being afraid to venture out into the world and standing strong with who you are is what turns men on.

So eventually you will read this, and you will be pissed off. And that is fine with me. But open your eyes sunshine and learn from my mistakes. You have seen me make so many of them, and maybe that is why you are so closed off? But you have seen me fall to the ground in misery and yet I always pick myself back up and move forward. And always for the better. Now it is your turn to get going in your life because honestly..You are not getting any younger at all.

So remember the the words to the Nickelback song we listened to on our drive and live from them. Start to live for you..

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day’s a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day

Against the grain should be a way of life
What’s worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts ’cause there’s no second try
So live like you’ll never live it twice
Don’t take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you’re dreamin’ of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it’s never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
‘Cause you can’t rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin’ stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you’re dreamin’ of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

Sunday, April 26, 2009

For the love of..

Pete. I have had no urge at all to write lately. I have lots to say..but just no time to say it. Chase had his last day of Karate on Thursday. It was wonderful because Master Laperle got him a going away cake. And then on Friday they had the Hawaiian themed sleepover hence the above picture. What can I say honestly? My son is a ladies man! I just hope I instill a strong sense of respect for women into him unlike his father. So far he still thinks girls are maybe I'm doing something right?
Sebastian is off and running finally. Yes. There is no slow walking. The kid just up and took off at full pace. It's crazy to see him going. I had to actually get a spare baby gate to block off the stairs because he loves going up them. Fast I might add. Heck, he tackled the stairs before he even tried to take steps.
And as for myself, I just feel weirdly empty right now. I can't explain why I feel this way. I'm not lonely by a long shot. I have lots of friends that I text with and email, even talk to on MySpace and Facebook. But for some reason I'm just lost right now. I can't seem to get my things done that I do on a daily basis. Is this my pre-Chase leaving funk maybe? Or is it a quiet fear of moving to a new area again? Maybe it's my going to college jitters? I'm not sure, I'm just lost and spaced out right now.
So please don't anyone think it is them directly. It's just honestly me right now. Also, today I noticed that one of my fillings has fallen out. Now normally I would be a mess trying to get in and get it filled. But this tooth is one that will be coming out when I start getting my bridges put in. Years ago I had a car accident and in the process clamped my mouth shut. When I did this the impact was enough to crack several of my teeth. So off to the dentist I went to have them all filled and fixed. Now the irony is that this filling represented the last of the Mohegans in my mouth. All the other teeth that had been fixed have since been pulled hence the gaps in my mouth. But we will start fixing them now that our bills are paid off. I could honestly do without them but frankly I am tired of people seeing my adult acne and missing teeth. And guess what they are thinking? Can we say *crackhead*? Which I am far from.
I need to get cracking on our Oregon trip pictures. There are some great pictures in the bunch. So I will try and get that all settled in soon. For now I am going to do the dishes and head to bed.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

One seriously pooped baby right there. Or he has a drinking problem..I'm not sure which one..

We are home, I'm doing the whole catch up thing. And going through pictures. And being a Mom. Geesh. I'm busy as all get out. It took us forever to get home Tuesday night though. Delta cancelled all their flights out so there were tons of unhappy people. Including myself and the boys. We flew in at 2 pm and did not leave until 6 pm. Thank goodness I had Matt who knows all the transit systems in that area. He got us to New Haven where he picked us up and took us to the car in Hartford. THANK YOU MATT for rescuing the boys and I. We owe you dinner seriously!!!

I'll write more on this escapade later and how I busted Delta's balls.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Oregon here we are!!

So we made it to Oregon and things are going well. The flight was a little rough because Squeaky really didn't want to go to sleep. So he fought it and fought it! But he did finally succumb to the sleep bug. Right now I'm packing things and getting ready to head out to Waldport. Lots of pictures to come soon for that. It's gorgeous there!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Last minute packing...

Oh man. 3 days have passed like a blur. Thanks to Matt for helping me take Chasers to his father at the airport. It was fun watching the ex spouse squirm like he did. I really can't wait to see how he handles Jim being home. He can't even look Jim straight in the eyes.
So off we went on Friday, the boys and I over to CoCo Keys Water Resort in Waterbury CT. It was a blast as you can see from the pictures. From the time we got there at 11:00 am until we left about 3:00 PM that baby was on the go. There was no napping time included. He just did not know what exactly to do with this huge bathtub we were in!

It really was a lot of fun with the exception of one thing that was very unexpected. The picture below shows a huge bucket. Now that bucket fills up with water and every 10 minutes it dumps. No one told us that. So here I am innocently taking pictures of Squeaky playing in the water when *GUSH*!! I felt like a wet rat, and my camera got wet. And then it dawned on me..Squeaky was down below me..So I open my eyes to see him surfing the HUGE waves from the water. Squealing! He loved it! In fact, we stood under that water about 4 more times after that and he loved it even more each time. We would go to the other side of the play area and he would crawl his little diapered butt over to the drowning side. Chase hated it. So off Chase went to the really tall water slide that was there. In fact, I think I saw Chase about 6 times total. He was all over the place and would come by long enough to check in and let me know he was OK. But he had a blast and both the boys slept all the way home.

After we left, I took a small 10 minute detour and went through Southington, CT. We drove by so I could get a picture of the original house that *A Haunting in Connecticut* was based on. It is weird seeing this house and thinking that it used to actually be a mortuary back in the day. It's just this nice, clean, femininely decorated house now.

I'm leaving today to head to Oregon. I'm hoping to pick Chase up early but I doubt that will happen anytime soon. Jamie and I rented a cabin while we are out there in Waldport. It's going to be nice to camp. And I know the baby will love all the fresh air. Oregon is so beautiful but we wont' live there again unless Jim gets a job.

On a different positive note. We found a house that we both approve of and Jim is talking to the Realtors now about it. So we shall see what will happen with that. Right now I'm going to head off here so I can get things squared away for our last minute things.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Silence and the economy...

I have had a small moment of reflection and my blog has shown it. The last few days have blurred in and out. I have been busier than ever with making things shake and move.

Some small news..I had my final weigh in last Saturday. Out of 122 people I placed 9Th with a total weight loss of 18.6 lbs. I am only 6.4 lbs from my goal. And then I will set a new goal after that. My ultimate move will be when I am down to 155. That will be what I weighed before I got pregnant with Chase. And after that point I have discussed plastic surgery with my husband. Because that will be a lot of lose skin. And once I hit that goal weight, I plan to stay there.

This economy is really affecting a lot of people. But oddly, we are on the bottom of the ladder and it's not touching us. Several people ask how they are to survive this. It's simple. Tighten your belts and start living by a budget. Jim and I have been doing this for years now. And we have been in trouble here and there, but nothing we couldn't get out of within a few weeks or so. I see too many people jumping into houses without doing the research. I see people paying for storage on boats that don't even run. Hell, some of them don't even float. But it's worth keeping because you have always wanted a boat. Oh, and lets not get started on how bad some one's credit is yet they think that having their sister sign to get a brand new car for them is a great idea. No, save your money..rebuild you own credit and buy your own damn car. Stupid people. If you can't pay cash for it right now, good lord, don't buy it. THAT is why people get into trouble with their finances. Because we have become a *gotta have it now* society.

Anyhow, I am heading to bed as the baby is finally letting me sleep at night.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Cheating and Society in general..

Today I was chatting with a couple of the Moms at parent pick up and it got me thinking about some stuff. Also, it reminded me of a few conversations here and there. And some blogs along the way. So all this will be is a simple blog about how I feel on some of these subjects.

Cheating, web cams and spicing it up on a whole. I don't care what people do in nor sometimes out of their bedrooms. As long as it does not affect children along the way. Whether it be someone elses child or your own. Don't let them know what kind of sexual prowess or depravity you prefer. They are young and should never be exposed to this by their parents or parent's of the child's friend.

That being said, we spoke about web cams and things such as Craigslist. Now oddly enough Jim and I had a conversation about the whole web cam thing not long ago. And having spoken with him I honestly don't see it as cheating now. Why? Because there really is no physical contact. Now it could be construed as cheating if you are *doing it* with the same person over and over. And it definitely is cheating if you decide to meet them in person. Maybe some people just enjoy the voyeurism of this act? Maybe some couples choose to mess around on a web cam while others watch as a safe alternative to having anyone else in their homes? I don't know. I don't judge. I do know that many people have done much worse things in order to spice up their lives. And honestly, that is between them, the spouse and God. Simply put.

How would I react if I found out Jim was messing around on a web cam? Well, am I in the other room? Because if I am in the other room, yes, I would be pissed. Because he could just walk in there and say..Hey... But we have a unique situation where there are thousands of miles between us. And I'm not always able to be on the computer when he is. So if he did something now on the computer? I would be mad, but I would get over it. For a few simple reasons..1) I'm not there to do what needs to be done. 2) I would know that whatever happens on cam would be just that, on cam. I know Jim well enough to know that he wouldn't do anything in the first place. He won't even go to his friends house for a party if there are single girls there. Not because he is worried about my thinking he would cheat, but because he worries about how it would be viewed by Army personnel. The Army has a no tolerance ruling about cheating on your spouse. And he has been in long enough to see what happens to those people who get busted for it. That's enough to keep him in line.

One of the Mother's told me today that I am very lax about the subject and this is what it boils down to..I have been cheated on enough in my lifetime to know that you can worry and do everything in your power to try and stop it from happening. But reality is that if the other person wants it to happen, it will happen no matter what you say or do. So what am I doing with my marriage to assure it doesn't happen? I opened up our communication. Jim knows that he can openly speak to me about anything. He knows that I will not judge him. He also knows that I grew up in the 80's so not much shocks me. I worked in gay clubs. I have seen some amazing things, as well as things I prefer to wipe out of my minds eye. I am really open minded. Hence my no nonsense attitude and my ability to speak my mind whether I offend people or not.

I don't think people are afraid of fantasies and fetishes at all. I think everyone has something that they want to try or secretly do, but don't want society to know. Because that is where we all falter. Society tells us that we are not allowed to be open. We can not speak our minds about most things. We can not be open minded or willing to try new things. Or we are outcasts. I only feel a person should be outcast if they are not allowing their children to be children. I'm sure my mother has had sexual prowess's that I am not aware of. She was stoned in the 60's for goodness sake. There are no Saints in this world. Only sinners. Want proof? Check out Craigslist sometime. You would be amazed at how many married men and women are on there looking for something on the side. How do I know about this site? Aside from watching the news, that is where my ex spouse would actually post ads and meet women from when we were together.

But is this something I will approach and openly chat with my mother about? Probably not. Because she is my mother. And there are some things I prefer not to know about her intimate times. As with my children. I will have the door open when the time comes for me to talk with them. I will always keep that door open. However, some things are best learned on your own without instruction from your parents and society.

So I see the world as a non black and white place. I see the world in multi colors. I see sexuality as something that should be strong within the person who is sharing it. And if it is something I disagree with, I will speak my mind. But only if it is a time or place that will affect my children. And as for other peoples is not my place to share things with them. I will encourage them to talk openly to their parents. But I will never do another parents job for them. And know as well that if your child ever spoke to me about these things, I would make sure you knew it was time to talk to your child. As I would hope other parents would let me know.

And that is what makes the world turn. Individuality.