When your having fun. At least thats what I keep hearing. I wonder often though where my fun is. Between school, work, and my boys..time to breath is an option to say the least. I seem to have lost who I am as a woman. My identity as a Mother, Wife and lover. I am barely home lately because of my requirements at school and work. My children seem to be with child care providers more than myself, and that breaks my heart everyday. I have always, always prided myself on how I am there for my boys. How I am the one they can rely on, and how I can always be there to pick them up from school/daycare. I hate that I can't be there to cook them home cooked meals except every other night. I dislike that if they need to talk to me, it is on the phone. And yet, I push forward everyday: exhausted, stressed, and multiple other physical and emotional sittings in play. My youngest sons regular schedule is all out of whack because I don't seem to have regular hours, and it's affecting him in a multitude of ways. My oldest is out at his father's right now, but is eager to get back home. I can only hope to offer him as much time as I can spare also. I continuously tell myself it's only for a little bit longer, but there are times when I wonder just who I am trying to kid.
So I will continue to push forward, I will pray that I pass all my classes, and I will dedicate to getting into the role I have worked so hard to find. Also, I will find my stride again with being a Mother because even though I have lost my magic touch, my children still love me and still want to be with me. That is what counts, right?