Time flies..

When your having fun. At least thats what I keep hearing. I wonder often though where my fun is. Between school, work, and my boys..time to breath is an option to say the least. I seem to have lost who I am as a woman. My identity as a Mother, Wife and lover. I am barely home lately because of my requirements at school and work. My children seem to be with child care providers more than myself, and that breaks my heart everyday. I have always, always prided myself on how I am there for my boys. How I am the one they can rely on, and how I can always be there to pick them up from school/daycare. I hate that I can't be there to cook them home cooked meals except every other night. I dislike that if they need to talk to me, it is on the phone. And yet, I push forward everyday: exhausted, stressed, and multiple other physical and emotional sittings in play. My youngest sons regular schedule is all out of whack because I don't seem to have regular hours, and it's affecting him in a multitude of ways. My oldest is out at his father's right now, but is eager to get back home. I can only hope to offer him as much time as I can spare also. I continuously tell myself it's only for a little bit longer, but there are times when I wonder just who I am trying to kid.

So I will continue to push forward, I will pray that I pass all my classes, and I will dedicate to getting into the role I have worked so hard to find. Also, I will find my stride again with being a Mother because even though I have lost my magic touch, my children still love me and still want to be with me. That is what counts, right?

Day 20 and counting...

I have been all over this town non-stop collecting evidence to prove I am not a bad mother. I have worked so hard the last 10 years to make sure my son was safe, healthy, and knew he could love who he wanted..and yet he was still ripped from my arms. It is basically legalized kidnapping I am dealing with, but it makes it no easier. As if things are not any harder to deal with, I think I have an ear infection pending. Tonight, I am drained. Mentally, and physically. I don't understand why the physically, but I know the mentally. I'm going to start getting to the gym starting tomorrow night, because I need to both shed some weight and exercise to relieve some of the stress I am feeling. Not having Chase with me is really taking its toll.

Loss of soul...

There have been so many things going on lately I can't seem to make heads or tails of them. My oldest son is now in the State of Oregon under temporary custody of my ex husband. According to him, my son is making accusations towards my current spouse about him abusing us. I know all the accusations are untrue, and I am working my tail end off to get the custody order turned over. However, after the temporary is turned over I will then have to go through another court hearing for actual custody of my son. For 10 years I have had sole custody of my gorgeous little doe-eyed boy, and now I am lost because I haven't spoken to him in 19 days. No phone calls, no emails, no text messages, no nothing at all. I have an almost three year old boy running around the house looking for his brother non-stop, and no answers to share with my oldest sons school. What do I do? Where do I go? What do I say to people? When can I hold my son and tell him I love him, and I know this isn't his fault?

Time is moving..

Either too slowly, or just too fast. I am unsure which is the correct statement at this point in my life. I am trying to get to through this term, but it's proving to be tougher than I thought it would be. Life at home is up and down to say the least, and I work with a therapist to better conquer that aspect. I watch the boys closely, but I also find myself escaping by going to friends houses and what not to avoid conflict as much as possible. I will usually leave after the boys are in bed, but there are exceptions to every rule. If it means there will be no conflict for the boys, I will leave to friends houses. I have made an amazing group of people that I hang out with here. My boys are always welcome at other's homes as well.

School is going well, just a lot of information to suck in. I am trying my best to study as much as possible but the stress level here in the house makes it difficult on most days. I keep reminding myself to keep my head in the game, study, make the future stronger for the boys. I also remind myself that the stress won't last forever, and I move myself forward accordingly.

School...again?

It is difficult to believe that my oldest Chase, is about to enter the Fourth Grade. Where has the time gone? How has it disappeared so fast? Was I not just potty training him yesterday? It makes me sad, but it also amazes me. He is turning into such a strong, intelligent young man, and it is happening right before my eyes.

And the littlest one..Sebastian. What can I say? He is adorable, a tank of muscle, and though he doesn't speak much..He gets his point across rather intelligibly. These boys amaze me everyday. And each day I am speechless with something they say or do.

I will be starting my classes again on August 19th. Am I looking forward to it? Absolutely!! This will be my last term of prerequisites before I can start my Mortuary Science program. And I am so thrilled about this!! It's finally all falling into perspective. After two terms of Honor Roll so far, I am ready to make a final Honor Roll this term. My classes will be the most difficult I have taken thus far: Human Anatomy & Lab, Small Business Management, The Greiving Process, and Composition 2. I see myself writing a lot of papers, and doing a lot of reading.

And after spending $593.00 on the purchase of four textbooks..I have already started reading.

Time to go feed my boys, do the last of the laundry, and wait for Sebastians speech therapist to come over so I will return later to write.

Where to begin...

And how to end things is the newest topic in my life. Things are rather in an upheaval at this time, and I am unsure how to correctly gather my wits. With the issues at hand through out my household, I am now dealing with my close friend Angie's health problem.

She is in the ICU over at Providence right now, and has had a stroke. No one is sure how long she was there in her apartment before they found her, but because she was there for that length of time a brain hemorrhage has occured. I was able to go and see her yesterday, and I am a little off kilter at this time because I don't know how to help her. She looks beautiful, peaceful, with no pain at all. No stress at all, and I just hope that it stays that way. There is talk of her being paralyzed on her left side, but no one knows for sure it that is truly the case. No one even knows if it can be resolved.

So what can I do? I plan to go visit her again, paint her nails, talk to her..maybe even read to her. That is how I will spend my Friday night.

Another day on the way!

Sometimes it gets absolutely crazy here, and no matter how hard I try to post it just doesn't happen. And on top of that, there is a lot of negativity and personal attacks that continuously occur so that doesn't make for many positive postings. So what do I do? I keep my head held high, my chest pushed out, and my brain as clear as possible. My boys need me, as a strong woman and Mother. My friends need me safe and unharmed, and I need to know who I am.

Right now I am working really hard through therapy to figure out who "owns" the problem as each one comes at me. I fight to stay positive, and I have dug my heels into my schooling. I am suffering from some really serious stress issues as well as sleep deprivation, but I will make it. I have no choice, my boys need me too.

Chase will be home in four weeks, so I have until then to try to eliminate as much stress from the house as I can. And I wil stand my ground also, because I know what I deserve versus what I don't. And right now, what is happening daily is not what I deserve. I have made some poor choices in my marriage as well, but will no longer tolerate pointing fingers. I know what I have done, and I am in counseling to focus on repairing myself and no one else. I can not make other peoples choices, but I can make my own.

And the choices I make are for myself and my boys. No one else. So until I can get things all together, please don't expect me to make your choices also.