Another day on the way!

Sometimes it gets absolutely crazy here, and no matter how hard I try to post it just doesn't happen. And on top of that, there is a lot of negativity and personal attacks that continuously occur so that doesn't make for many positive postings. So what do I do? I keep my head held high, my chest pushed out, and my brain as clear as possible. My boys need me, as a strong woman and Mother. My friends need me safe and unharmed, and I need to know who I am.

Right now I am working really hard through therapy to figure out who "owns" the problem as each one comes at me. I fight to stay positive, and I have dug my heels into my schooling. I am suffering from some really serious stress issues as well as sleep deprivation, but I will make it. I have no choice, my boys need me too.

Chase will be home in four weeks, so I have until then to try to eliminate as much stress from the house as I can. And I wil stand my ground also, because I know what I deserve versus what I don't. And right now, what is happening daily is not what I deserve. I have made some poor choices in my marriage as well, but will no longer tolerate pointing fingers. I know what I have done, and I am in counseling to focus on repairing myself and no one else. I can not make other peoples choices, but I can make my own.

And the choices I make are for myself and my boys. No one else. So until I can get things all together, please don't expect me to make your choices also.

Directional Pulls...

Things are a little calmer, but I am still really unsure what to do. The issues that are at hand, I am unsure if they can be fixed in my mind. I try, I really do..but it's just tough to get past some of the problems. So I continue to work my way forward, and work on the college. Today, I spent the majority of the day in bed though because my stomach was upset. I hate throwing up, I really, really do. And when I do, it just knocks the wind out of me.

Chase is supposed to call me tomorrow, and I can't wait. I can't wait until he is home with me again also. I look forward to taking a little time off, but then I miss Chase more than anything else in the world. He brings so much into my life, and I learn from him also.

College is moving along, and it seems to be pretty fast. I am taking Interpersonal Communication and am learning a lot more than I think my instructor knows about. With everything that is going on, and with my own personal counseling..I am really struggling with who I am and which direction I want to go in. I know this much: I really need to protect my children from the problems we are having in the house. It's not thier fault's we are fighting. It is not thier fault that we have the problems we have. But it is becoming thier problem, and I need to find a way to change that from becoming full fledged.

Interesting times...

Lead to interesting developments...Apparently I am still on the minds of men I tortured years and years ago...lol So how do I feel about this? Thrilled, sad, excited, loved, adored...:)

But most of all, I wonder what is so special about me that I still rank like that...

Tired of the drama...

So, I have been accused of posting personal stuff all over the internet. I am now going to do it. We have been having problems non-stop lately and I'm tired of the fighting. I need to get past the "He said, she said" and move forward for the boys. I'm tired of bickering over unimportant things. I need to work my ass off and get my college done. I only have 18 more months to go, and then I will have my degree. And I can start working, and support the boys to my fullest extent. I just can't handle all this anymore. I love Jim, but I have no idea who this man is, and where his hatred is stemming from. He always claims I am trying to be perfect, but the reality is that I need to be stand up for my sons. They already have one angry, hateful parent. They don't need two.

Caught you looking!

So, I finished my final project for CIST and am glad it is done. Now all I need to do is finish up the last of the access assignments and I am good to go with this class. Life has been interesting in the last week. My friend Jack has not emailed to let me know he is doing ok..and not hearing from him scares me. While I know there is nothing I can do about it, not hearing from anyone in a war zone is something that will always affect me.

College is almost done, just about 3 more weeks to go. I finally got my first failing grade today in Psychology. It was a low D, and I will be working on getting my extra credit turned in soon. My thighs are still hurting from finishing up some of the boxes, and planting the vegetables. But thanks to Mother Nature, I have not had to water the plants...lol

Ok, I should really try to concentrate but I can't. My mind is elsewhere and worried.

Taking Time...

To stop and smell the flowers. Sometimes we forget to do that, and then the smallest person in the world reminds us too. Our lives get so busy, and seem to just wrap themselves with cobwebs. How do we get out from under those webs? It seems like your always dusting constantly, but you just can't seem to get rid of it? Or as soon as you turn around there is just a light sheen of dust caught in the sun.

Each day, you work hard to clear out the webs of your life. And each day, something new happens that may add to your webs..so the question that occurs more and more often becomes...What do you do to clear out your cobwebs?

Salina and back again...

And off to Salina Kansas we went on Friday after Chase got out of school. What's there? This awesome Animal preserve called Rolling Hills Wildlife Adventure. What is the significance of this place? It's where Chase's Great Grandmother Esther was born. And how cool it was to hear Esther tear up when she heard on the phone that we were all standing there and about to go in. Definately worth the almost 3 hour drive to say the least.
Sebastian was CONSTANTLY on the move and really enjoyed himself as well. He and Chase ran and ran and then ran some more. It was an absolute blast seeing thier reactions to the different animals, and how much fun they were having. I loved every second and this little break reminded me of why I go to school every day. So I can secure our children's futures and make sure we can continue to do trips like this.

And look at his smile. Tell me he didn't look happy to be with his Mommy and Baby Brother! It was a lot of fun, we were all sunburnt to the max, and tired as all get out. But we enjoyed every second with each other.