Adaptation.

You have an unusual ability to put your best effort forth at all times..

That was in my fortune cookie this afternoon, but is it true?

Now, I am first going to warn everyone that this blog is written with tears streaming down my face. It is for several reasons. But mostly because my reality that Chase is gone for 9 weeks has hit. As much as he wears and stresses me out, my world is lonely without him. Now without my husband and Chase, it is strange to say the least. I am used to not having Jim here as I knew what I would potentially be getting into when I married him. But not having a spouse with you is very different to say the least versus not having your child. And 8-9 weeks at a stretch is even more difficult. But I have learned how to adapt to the absences.

It has affected Sebastian in a totally different way. He has been running all over this house looking for his brother. I hear him in each room yelling..And when there is no response he runs to another. How do you explain to a toddler that his brother is away for awhile and will be back? I know he does not understand and will he have to adapt as well?

I have not had the urge to answer the phone when it rings. I have not wanted to do anything. I have wanted to sit and just let the tears falls. But even that I can not do correctly at this time of sorrow. I finally forced myself to shower and take Squeaky out to the park to run. It was difficult to be happy knowing my oldest was clear on the other side of the United States. And as I always try to find the positive in things, I reminded myself at least I was not in Germany at this time. There is always something good to remember. Always when you must adapt.

The other thing that has the tears flowing is that I am an Army Wife. After we played at the park a little while, off to the store we went. And then to the take out Chinese place to get some Pork Fried Rice. Nothing fends off depression better for Mommy than Pork Fried Rice with soy sauce. That seems to be my depression food of choice. And then home to a nice little dinner with baby. And then upstairs where I put Sebastian into the bath tub. While he was in the bath I proceeded to tackle Chase's room. I went through the toys, the books. I put all the toys into one bucket, and made sure clothes were all hung up. I took out all the clothes that no longer fit for donation. I stripped the bed and started the laundry to wash the sheets and blankets. I took all the posters, stars and planets down. I put all the nails and tacks into a container. I took the curtain and rod down and put the screws into a Ziploc baggy. And then duct taped the baggy to the pole. I stripped the room down so things will be easier for the movers. And I cried knowing I would need to adapt again.

Now, I know these things happen every 3 to 4 years as an Army Wife. But I also know that it never gets any easier at all. As much as I hate this area, I love my friends that I have grown so close too. I will miss them coming over to visit. I will miss their children. I will miss their hugs. I will miss their encouragement. I will miss their faces and smiles. Most of all, I will miss their love more than anything in this world. While I am terribly excited about buying a house and having my family complete losing these wonderful people is hurting almost as much as Chase being gone. But I will adapt to their absence.

I know that as an Army Wife I am looked at as many things. Strength. Honesty. Integrity. But there are days I just want to throw my arms in the air and scream that I am NOT AS STRONG as everyone thinks that I am! I am tough as nails because I have taken life's lessons and adapted.

I am ready to wipe my tears away. I am ready to move forward into my new life.

I will adapt.

Too many hands in the pot..

That's how I am starting to feel about this whole situation with Sammy. I understand there are a lot of people involved, but what it ultimately boils down to is how Jim, the caseworker and myself feel about the situation. We all know Sammy's father won't take him. He's as bad as Amory is but worse on several different levels. And after the case worker talks to him, that is if she even finds him..Sammy will be planted firmly in my home.

On a few other notes I am totally glad I went out of the way to get a baby security lock to protect the Wii system and all the games. This thing looks like a pretzel and has zip ties that wrap through the handles of the doors. Yes. And it's so complicated I can't seem to get into it. But Squeaky made it in withing 30 seconds of playing with it this afternoon. Argh is all I can say. Now I need to find a different way to lock those stupid doors.

I took Chase and Squeaky down to George's this afternoon for dinner. And I'll tell you what. I love and will miss that little restaurant and the people who work there. Holly who is the main waitress had tears in her eyes when we left. She is good people, let me tell you. I will definitely visit there again next time we are in Connecticut.

And as for the house, it passed inspection! There are a few things that are cosmetic that Barbara wants changed right away. The biggest thing she was adamant about was replacing the water heater. It was due as the one in the house is over 20 years old. And the VA inspector told the owner he needed to build a platform underneath it in the garage that is at least 18 inches high since we will be using the garage for an actual garage. Other than that she said it was little things like fixing some of the siding. She also was pleasant enough to tell me a couple of really cool places I could take the kids when we got here to eat and what not. She even told me a few places to play bingo..YAY! I told her we would have to go!

OK, for right now I am going to go and cuddle with Chase. He has a sleep over tomorrow night and I'm sure his macho young self doesn't want Mom all cuddly with him then!

Sammy update...

Good morning!

Just a little update to let everyone know. I now have my contact person in Kansas. Unfortunately we can't do the home study or backgrounds checks until we are physically in Kansas. However depending on who has custody of Sammy right now is how fast this process will move. Let's hope it is either Rob or the State of Wisconsin. Because honestly speaking I think Amory will fight Sammy being placed in my home. We have not spoken now in almost 15 or more years with the exception of Bingo one time for my Mother's sake. And that was strained to say the least. I think everyone was uncomfortable there.

To my knowledge at this time Amory has been deemed incompetent through the County she is living in. Sammy was upset because he did not hear from her for quite a few days. They did eventually find her as she was transferred to another city and a different nursing home. I could not imagine my life with all my rights and my children stripped from me. And I won't say anything negative as I know some of her children will be reading this. I am just sorry that those children are even having to deal with this. And also, thanks to complete strangers like Rebecca, Liz and Rob..there was some length of stability for them. Thanks guys! You are living proof that there are truly awesome people in this world still.

So as I sit here writing this blog, Sammy's case worker is contacting Amory's case worker to see who has custody. This way we can figure out who, what, where and when. I have impressed upon her that Sammy is out of school in Wisconsin on June 9Th *my younger sisters birthday* and that he would start school in Kansas on August 11Th. Far be it for me to push the State to do something rather quickly but I really have this urge to give this young man some resemblance of stability. I spoke to him on the phone yesterday and asked him how I would find a can of *camouflage colored* paint. He chuckled and said that was pretty funny. So I suggested that when we picked him up that we all go and pick out the colors for his bedroom. And that he could help me with painting his room and getting it decorated. I heard a certain lightness in his voice. Almost a sigh of relief.

One of the things I was most adamant about was making sure the State stay involved in Sammy's care. I have heard a few things here and there that suggests to myself he is really going to need a lot of counseling. I also shared with the caseworker that at no time what so ever would I want him taken out of our home at all with the exception of his physically hurting one of the other children with intention. And I am honestly not worried in the slightest about that. He is slowly warming up to myself and sounds like such a sweet little guy.

My reasoning with his not being pulled is that is a trick of his Mother's. I watched her do it for years and years with Tony. When she was tired of him she would leave him with my Mother. And when the State wanted proof she had him for her welfare *poof* she would show up and just take him. I remember Tony would wear layers of clothes for years because he never knew when she would just show up. Eighty degree weather and he had 3 layers of pants on.

I will also say that i am proud of Cody. He is my other Nephew who has turned 18 recently. And thanks to the love and support of Liz *HUGS* he will be graduating High School this Friday. Way To Go Cody! You Rock!! With everything that young man has been through because of Amory, this was a huge accomplishment! Congratulations!

OK, it is time for me to head off into the other room and tickle the baby! I'll write more soon!

Chase's meltdown...

So yesterday Chase found out that his father's girlfriend had her baby. And he had a huge meltdown about it. There are several reasons behind this event. The biggest one is the fact that he hasn't spoken to Chase in over 3 weeks almost. And the girlfriend had her baby on the 18Th from what I gathered. Now his anger boiled on this because Chase feels his father should have called and let him know that she gave birth. Mom..I live there too. That was what he said. And I agree. This is a big even that impacts his life and his visitations with his father. So he should have called and told Chase that it had happened.

Now more of this anger is posted towards his father regarding the lack of communications. After he was done throwing stuff around last night I had a long talk with him. A serious and deep talk. I made sure he knew it was OK to be angry with people you love. But that you need to stand up for yourself and tell the person or people why you are angry. His anger at this time is the fact that his father spends all this time with the girlfriend and her kids, but can not take 10 minutes out of his week to call him. I am his only child Mom. He should be going out of his way for me, not them. And again, I agree with him. He really should take the time to drop a card or letter in the mail. Or to send a small goody package. Or if he sees a shirt or something get it for him. And send it to him. Make him feel appreciated. Make him feel loved. Because right now he thinks his father does not love him at all.

He feels as though his father is only interested in having a family with the girlfriend and her kids. And that he is completely an outsider. And that is sad because that is how his father felt about his own father. Seriously. He wanted to break that rut when we had split up and he put Chase and himself right into it. And sadly, I am not even going to lift a finger anymore to try and fix it because it is not my rut to fill in.

I will continue to make sure that Chase knows he is number one in our household. And that he is loved more than life itself here. And I know I am doing a damn good job when he gets up and loves his little brother the same way. I see the love for myself in his face when he smiles at me.

Honestly though, someone needs to get off his ass and start either being a father..or just stop so Chase can move on. Because all that has been happening is a constant confusion for Chase. He thinks he is loved until he spends time visiting out there, and then he feels like a nuisance. Then he will come back to me and cry. My son cries after his visits with his father. Because he knows that his father only takes his visits because he is required to. It is sad that a 9 year old feels that way. And it is even worse that a 34 year old man can't see past his own nose to see how badly he is hurting his son. His only son.

Time for reflection..

Today I started out with about a dozen calls to Kansas. Now I should know better as it is a holiday weekend but I did manage to track down the number to a lady that I will need on Tuesday. We are going to work it so that we can be Relative Foster Parents for my Nephew. This will work out in such a way that the State of Kansas will be involved with Sammy's care and we will have them available for things that will arise.

And this boy is going to need some serious help right off the bat. First thing I will have to do is get him into counseling. For whatever crazy reason his mother has told him growing up that his older siblings were adopted. Adopted by who? I don't understand the reasoning for lying to him that way with the exception that she was trying to hide the fact that they were taken away from her by the various States she lived in. I worry about having to be the one who breaks in the truth to him. I really do. But then in the same breath I feel fine with it because I know I am strong enough to help Sammy make it through all this.

The other thing that makes me comfortable with all this is that I know I will have a strong family support for this. My husband and I have spoken at length regarding Sammy joining our family. He has shared with me his nervousness and excitement. So there will be more to come with all of this. I'll add more in a little bit..I need to answer the phone...

OK, I'm back for a moment. The very next thing I am planning to do is have his medication re-evaluated. This child is 14 years old, weighs a total of 108 pounds and is taking 54 Mgs of Concerta. That is well over the dosage for an adult weighing in at 240 pounds. Goodness. And they wonder why he acts out a bit. Then, he has a secondary medication to assist him to sleep at night. Clonidine. And again it is an adult dosage for a whither of a boy. I'd like to get ahold of his Dr. and have a talk with him. I also need to try and get copies of his medical records. That's going to be fun. I have heard that he has Cerebral Palsy but I have seen no documentation so this will be quite interesting. OK, more to write later.

what..WHat..WHAT?

Today was a crazy day and oddly I didn't manage to get off the couch. I have been on the computer researching houses. And checking out this, and that. And working on the pictures from our trip. I was even on the phone with a few people regarding getting my Nephew into our house. My older sister is in a position where her health is failing so she is not able to take care of her 14 year old son. It was sad tonight talking to him on the phone because he is really very overwhelmed with everything that is going on. He has no idea where he will be tomorrow. He is under the impression because of what his Mother has told him that his two older brothers and sister are all adopted. He is going to have a rough transition with everything. And it falls on my families shoulders to assist him to learn the truth about everything. Which we will do.

But on a lighter note we put a bid on another house. Third time is a charm. He counter offered but it was an awesome one, so we accepted! And even for the price we accepted our mortgage will still be under what we pay for rent here!

So more to come tomorrow!!

Yay! We're home!

On Monday we spent the entire day walking around Niagara Falls, New York! It was GORGEOUS! The weather was just right. The water was not too cold. The touristy stuff was not over crowded. Everything was great. Even the campsite at the cabin was relaxed and beautiful. Nothing like some good old Smores with your kiddos to put life into perspective.

Tuesday we headed over to the Canadian Side..Niagara Falls Canada. It was beautiful as well! Between the two days I took over 250 pictures which I am slowly weeding through as we speak. I'll get those all edited and posted as soon as I can.

Things are moving along with our PCS. We didn't get the house we put a bid on as the first bidders pulled the money out of no where. Sucks. But there are more houses that Jim and I are looking at. And when it is meant to be we will become Super Home Owners!

A little change in plans though right now. Some things have happened on my older sister's side so Jim and I may be taking in my teenage Nephew for awhile or maybe even permanently. We shall see as I am waiting on a call back from the case worker. More to come on that.

OK, it's late and I'm really tired. Just having a hard time sleeping.

Night!