RIP Grandma Bain.

Last night my Grand mother Ilene Bain went to join our Heavenly Father. I am a little disturbed right now because I have not had a good cry yet. I was not particularly close to her, and at risk of offending others am actually feeling relieved right now. Feeling relieved makes me also feel cold hearted to be honest. I have heard of her suffering and constant pain. I have seen her wither from the cute little pudgy Grandma into a skin and bones replica of nothingness. But what hurts the most is the pain my own Mother is in right now.

There is nothing I can say to her to make her feel better. Not a damn thing. She is hurting and I will be there soon to hug her. But this is a battle inside her she has to fight. She wants to cancel Christmas and within my sister and I's infinite wisdom we don't think that should happen. I can tell her that Grandma is not suffering anymore. I can tell her she doesn't have to worry anymore. I can tell her to look at all the positive that Grandma has done, and enjoy those memories. But I know nothing will help her because she is where I came from. And I have my own way to grieve.

Maybe that is why I am not grieving? Because I have been in the medical field for so long that I just don't feel the pain the same way other people do? Because I have seen the suffering for years and years, and I look at death as a savior for the loved ones? I remember having a conversation with my Mom about going to see Grandma Bain. I really, truly fought it to the core but she won. So we made the trip, we saw her..and I'm grateful she was in bed the whole time we were there. Because I really couldn't see how much weight she had lost. I wanted to remember the forgetful, busy Grandma that fussed and fussed over us when we would come to visit. And that's the Grandma I will always remember. The one with the spoiled rotten dogs who annoy the crap outta people.

So Mom, know that us girls love you with all our hearts. And that we want to celebrate Grandma's release from this earth. And celebrate her Memory. And have Christmas knowing she is looking down on us and watching pain free with a smile.