I haven't..

Been writing for awhile because I have been going through a flurry of emotions lately. Everything from depression to excitement. Aunt Flow is partially to blame, but most of it is just from seeing all that is happening around me.

I worry about my friends. I worry about my husband. I worry about my children. I worry about my family. I worry in general. And there is nothing I can do about it.

So sometimes I just sit back and I watch as live unravels over there, and a nice tight knit is made on the other side. I have watched a friend of ours go through an awful divorce only to turn around within the same week and marry someone else.

I am watching another friend go through the throes of dating, when she really just does not want to be. I see another friend who wants to be dating, married, having children..but her walls are too high for even Superman to get over. And then there is the other person who is pregnant with some man's child and thinks that my ex is going to step up and be a father to this baby. He has a child he is not even a father to unless it is convenient. Why in goodness graciousness would she even seriously think he is going to accept a child that is not his and take care of it? There was a reason why he got fixed in the first place. He did not want any other children.

And then there are the emotions of loneliness. I miss my husband. I miss having people over to my house all the time. I miss making the pots of ribs for my husbands friends on Friday nights. I miss having him stare at me in his sleep. I miss nudging him because he is snoring. And while I work my tail off to keep busy knowing it will make the day go by faster, it is just not the same.

I also wonder how I become the bad guy in situations. There is a man in my life that I dated over 15 years ago. We have managed to be friends since then. Our relationship was more than rocky, and we had large spaces here and there where we did not talk. Not long ago, he did a drunk dial and we had a really good talk. A really really good talk. And I thought we got some stuff seriously ironed out. But now he won't talk to me anymore about anything. And I sit and wonder what I did wrong? What did I do wrong? And my epiphany..It was not me. He is dealing with something that he is not strong enough to handle. So I can either sit and wait until we are old and he talks to me again, or I can walk away with my sanity in tact.

And I seem to be doing a lot of walking away. Which is strange because I have always been the strong one. The fighter. The go the distance girl. But now, I am too tired to stand and tackle the issues at hand. Not all of them, just the meaningless ones. The stupid tasks. Like, why is he not talking to me tasks? Why do I care about the drama tasks? Why are you bludgeoning me with stupidity tasks.

So I will slowly be walking away. And if I don't want to deal with it, I will tell them. And they will get mad. And then not talk to me. And then I will worry. Because that is who I am.